Phoenix

Julian Edelman on possibly playing through a concussion: “Hamburger.”
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Julian Edelman, experiencing a moment of clarity at Super Bowl XLIX before descending back into a dark haze.

Phoenix, Arizona – One day after Super Bowl XLIX, new controversies have arisen in the NFL following what looked like New England Patriot’s wide receiver Julian Edelman receiving a concussion early in the fourth quarter of the biggest football game of the year.

Edelman was cleared to return to action by an independent neurologist, but critics of the NFL say Edelman had no business being on the field after he appeared woozy and disoriented on the sidelines after suffering a big hit.

Edelman responded to questions on his possible injury Monday afternoon.

“Hamburger,” the glassy eyed Edelman told several AP reporters. “Ripened hamburgers on the vine morning, noon and night. Monkey wrenches tidal plains.”

Edelman then drooled on himself for 45 seconds until a reporter snapped her fingers in his face, bringing him out of his daze. His stunted eyes focused on her for about a minute, before he stuffed a handful of his beard in his mouth.

“It was a big hit, I’ll give you that, but I’ve been in worst kite accidents before, and I’ll be there again, believe me,” Edelman droned on, as the reporters awkwardly glanced at each other. “Just point me in the direction of that pool and I’ll be there to take a dip.”

As the reporters moved away from the cross-eyed wide receiver, reports stated that he followed them around the Phoenix complex for several minutes, despite their quickened pace to separate themselves from the athlete.

“Guys, guys! Wait a second, I’ve got to tell you a big secret,” he said, stopping the reporters. He then proceeded to not speak for 10 minutes, his fractured brain desperately trying to make sense of the situation.

Luckily, the reporters were able to make their escape when a paper cup struck Edelman in the head and rendered him unconscious for 25 minutes.

Bobby Hoying no shows Pro Bowl, last seen Saturday night

Bobby HoyingPhoenix, AZ – Bobby Hoying, a former Eagles quarterback who was surprisingly selected to the 2015 Pro Bowl, did not show up to the event Sunday evening and has yet to be found.

NFL associates wished to keep the news quiet until after the Super Bowl, but reports leaked out this evening that Hoying has not been seen since a Saturday evening “beer bash” the former quarterback had hosted at his self-described “penthouse suite” in a downtown Phoenix Motel 6.

Hoying passed out flyers to his fellow Pro Bowl athletes at Friday afternoon’s final practice. The event was listed as BYOBAP, or as Hoying had to tell several confused teammates, “Bring Your Own Beer And Pussy.”

Jimmy Graham, tight end for the New Orleans Saints, showed up at the party around 9 p.m. and left after five minutes. Graham said he was greeted by an obviously intoxicated Hoying, who immediately handed him a large Ziploc bag of white powder and told him to “be cool and get rid of this uncut booger sugar. There may be some Colombians coming here later that need to powwow with me about that, and I plan on not having it on me, you got it Jimmy G?”

Graham dropped the bag and immediately left after Hoying spotted a “sweet little redhead” and suggested the two of them have some fun with her, “Eiffel tower style, if you know what I mean.”

“Did you ever see that movie ‘Caligula’ back in the late 70s? I guess it was kind of like that, except with way more Busch Lite,” Graham said.

An anonymous Instagram account from a user listed only as “SweetAss69” published several photos of the party. A photo published at 9:09 p.m. showed Hoying in the background hunched over a sink vomiting profusely. A second photo was published at 9:45 p.m. which showed Hoying naked, riding a bicycle through the hotel room to the delight of partygoers. A third photo published at 10:01 p.m. showed a passed out Hoying hunched against the wall, a sombrero covering his head as he was clutching a bottle of Famous Grouse to his chest.

Hoying supposedly disappeared later that evening and has not been seen since. Local police officials are warning residents to not approach Hoying if he is spotted, as he is most likely armed and dangerous.