Roger Goodell

BREAKING: Maureen Crowley William rushes NFL draft stage, costs Eagles 1st Round Pick

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MCW file photo (Credit: crossingbroad.com)

Just moments after the 2017 NFL draft went live on the air, ex-97.5 the Fanatic morning show producer Maureen Crowley Williams rushed NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, appearing live on-camera wearing a “Down with the Fanatic” t-shirt.

The ex-producer, better known as MCW, had not been heard or seen by the media since being let go by the sports talk radio station earlier this April.

As boos rained down from the crowd, the embattled ex-producer briefly grabbed onto Goodell before showing off her shirt, flashing the shocker sign to the camera, and being gang tackled by NFL security.

The frazzled Goodell took several moments to compose himself before making a crucial draft night announcement.

“The city of Philadelphia should be disgusted by this miscreant on stage tonight. For this embarrassment, I hereby decree the Eagles forfeit their first round pick. May god have mercy on your soul,” he said to the restrained MCW.

At press time, MCW had been tarred, feathered, and run out of town.

 

 

Talk about a real Deflategate! Tom Brady delayed to Super Bowl LI due to flat tire

tom-brady-ten-years-10-21-15Houston, Texas – Sometimes the truth is definitely stranger than fiction!

Tom Brady experienced another “Deflategate” this afternoon as he drove down I-45 to NRG stadium and his Lexus blew a tire, delaying the star quarterback’s arrival to the stadium by several minutes.

Brady’s black Lexus reportedly careened into the guard rail before coming to a rest on the shoulder of the highway.

Guess that tire was a little under-inflated, am I right! Hope Roger Goodell doesn’t find out his tire was under the suggested PSI or his car may get suspended for the rest of the season!

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Despite overwhelming evidence, NFL reps deny existence of Chronic Traumatic Apathy in Pro Bowl participants

Mario Williams, Tamba Hali

CTA affects so many NFL Pro Bowl Participants.

Honolulu, Hawaii – The NFL is facing a new medical controversy leading up to Super Bowl 50, as league representatives were forced to release a statement denying the existence of Chronic Traumatic Apathy in Pro Bowl Participants.

Symptoms of CTA include general malaise, missed tackles, jogging, lack of blocking effort, and can often be confused with massive hangovers and/or contempt at having to play a pointless football game before the Super Bowl.

“There’s no evidence that Chronic Traumatic Apathy, or CTA, is real. We were very proud of the results from yesterday’s Pro Bowl and we were happy with the level of competitiveness exhibited throughout,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said.

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Tennessee pick of Marcus Marioto leaves Marcus Mariota wide open for Eagles

Marcus Marioto, newest member of the Tennessee Titans.

Marcus Marioto, newest member of the Tennessee Titans.

Chicago, Illinois – In a shocking move Thursday night, the Tennessee Titans drafted 42-year-old arc welder Marcus Marioto out of Sheboygan number two overall, which went unnoticed by 17 teams until the Eagles selected Marcus Mariota at 20.

“Couldn’t believe it. How did nobody else not notice this,” Chip Kelly said, grinning from the Eagles war room.

It’s unknown if the Titans selected Marioto on purpose, or accidentally wrote the wrong name of the player they wished to select on the draft card submitted to the NFL. Apparently every team drafting after the Titans did not know Marcus Marioto was a real person and is now legally bound to play for the Titans next year.

“We see a lot in Mr. Marioto. If we can get him into any kind of shape, we think he’ll be a valuable addition to our team. Plus, he can definitely help cut down on maintenance in the stadium,” an obviously flustered Titans GM Ruston Webster. “Of course we wanted to draft him. We wouldn’t do something so insanely stupid as to write down the wrong name of the player. To think, a franchise’s future altered by the simple misspelling of a name. That’s rich.”

Webster stared sheepishly at the ground, not making eye contact once with Mel Kiper Jr. The two had to move the interview to a secluded area, as Titans fans in attendance pelted Webster with heads of cabbage and rotten tomatoes.

Marcus Marioto was reached for comment at his modest rancher in Sheboygan.

“It was a shock, sure, I had no idea how I was even eligible for the draft, but here we are,” the father of two and recent divorcee said. “Not sure how well my bad knee will hold up under the rigors of an NFL schedule, but I’ll give it my best.”

As of press time, Chip Kelly and Marcus Mariota were shotgunning celebratory beers in a parking lot in Hawaii.

Bobby Hoying somehow elected to 2015 NFC Pro Bowl team

Bobby Hoying

Bobby Hoying, probably coked out of his mind.

Phoenix, AZ – in a surprising turn of events, former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying, who has not played a snap in the NFL since being released by the Oakland Raiders in 2001, was selected first overall last night by Team Cris Carter in the 2015 Pro Bowl draft.

“This can’t be correct…Team Carter selects Bobby Hoying with the first overall pick?” A visibly confused Cris Carter said at the NFL Pro Bowl podium as he looked down at his selection. “I don’t remember picki….”

Carter was interrupted by a jubilant, middle aged man jumping up from his seat in the back of the audience, who proceeded to bum rush security and make it onstage with the frightened Carter. Hoying, as he was later identified, wrapped Carter in a bear hug and picked him up several feet from the ground.

“That’s how you do it, you son of a bitch! Big Balls Bobby Hoying is back and he can’t wait to get back in that huddle and sling his balls all around that field,” Hoying yelled, a cowboy hat tipped jauntily on his head. “I’ve heard a lot of things about those Phoenix girls too, I can’t wait to get knee deep in that gash, lets do this boys!”

NFL executives scrambled to see if the pick was legal, but it was later determined that the pick would stand after Hoying held a straight edge razor to Roger Goodell’s neck, threatening to give the NFL commissioner a “real close shave.”

“Bobby made it fair and square, so I’ll be seeing you all in Phoenix real soon. I hope you boys remember to bring that ‘magic powder,’ because I’m sure I’ll have a little bit of a sinus infection before the start of the game, if you know what I mean,” he said to the rest of the terrified Pro Bowlers.

When asked where he had been for the past 14 years, Hoying said he had gone down south over the border to work on an oil rig and for some of them “real mean cartel boys.”

“But I’m back now you sons of bitches, and Bobby is looking to make up for lost time!” Hoying hooted, grabbing a loose football and rifling it in the face of a stunned Kurt Warner. “Too slow, choir boy!”

As of press time, Hoying was in a manure caked jeep doing celebratory victory donuts on Ray Rhodes’ front lawn.