Honolulu, Hawaii – The NFL is facing a new medical controversy leading up to Super Bowl 50, as league representatives were forced to release a statement denying the existence of Chronic Traumatic Apathy in Pro Bowl Participants.
Symptoms of CTA include general malaise, missed tackles, jogging, lack of blocking effort, and can often be confused with massive hangovers and/or contempt at having to play a pointless football game before the Super Bowl.
“There’s no evidence that Chronic Traumatic Apathy, or CTA, is real. We were very proud of the results from yesterday’s Pro Bowl and we were happy with the level of competitiveness exhibited throughout,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said.
Fans and analysts watching yesterday’s game may have found Goodell’s claim to be hard to believe, however. 99% of participants showed varying signs of CTA:
• Eagles running back Darren Sproles missed a handoff during the first quarter of the game because he was busy staring at a seagull that had landed on the 35 yard line.
• Stephen Gostkowski attempted two field goals in flip flops after leaving his cleats at home.
• Cleveland tackle Joe Thomas sat down on the field of play during the third quarter and didn’t move for the rest of the contest.
• Teddy Bridgewater played several downs without a helmet and nobody seemed to notice.
“Just no effort, guys just standing at the line, hardly tackling, it’s a disgrace. At one point I think I saw Todd Gurley III smoking a cigarette on the bench before going in. So young and already showing signs of CTA, what is happening in this league?” ESPN NFL analyst Todd McShay said.
There is no known cure for CTA. Several ex-players who suffer from CTA have donated their grit glands to scientists for further examination.