Chicago, Illinois – In a shocking move Thursday night, the Tennessee Titans drafted 42-year-old arc welder Marcus Marioto out of Sheboygan number two overall, which went unnoticed by 17 teams until the Eagles selected Marcus Mariota at 20.
“Couldn’t believe it. How did nobody else not notice this,” Chip Kelly said, grinning from the Eagles war room.
It’s unknown if the Titans selected Marioto on purpose, or accidentally wrote the wrong name of the player they wished to select on the draft card submitted to the NFL. Apparently every team drafting after the Titans did not know Marcus Marioto was a real person and is now legally bound to play for the Titans next year.
“We see a lot in Mr. Marioto. If we can get him into any kind of shape, we think he’ll be a valuable addition to our team. Plus, he can definitely help cut down on maintenance in the stadium,” an obviously flustered Titans GM Ruston Webster. “Of course we wanted to draft him. We wouldn’t do something so insanely stupid as to write down the wrong name of the player. To think, a franchise’s future altered by the simple misspelling of a name. That’s rich.”
Webster stared sheepishly at the ground, not making eye contact once with Mel Kiper Jr. The two had to move the interview to a secluded area, as Titans fans in attendance pelted Webster with heads of cabbage and rotten tomatoes.
Marcus Marioto was reached for comment at his modest rancher in Sheboygan.
“It was a shock, sure, I had no idea how I was even eligible for the draft, but here we are,” the father of two and recent divorcee said. “Not sure how well my bad knee will hold up under the rigors of an NFL schedule, but I’ll give it my best.”
As of press time, Chip Kelly and Marcus Mariota were shotgunning celebratory beers in a parking lot in Hawaii.