Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of their first 2016 preseason contest against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, newly minted Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson has begun the process of sending in his first series of plays to quarterback Sam Bradford, with the hope that they’ll arrive by the start of the game.
Pederson, who has already faced criticism from fans and the media for his antiquated method of calling a play into the offense, said he has corrected his methods.
“We reviewed our play calling process and we feel like we really have the system down now. Should be a good game tonight, better start calling in those plays now,” Pederson said.
The head coach then showed the media how the proverbial sausage is made, and walked them through his play calling system:
- Write down the play.
- Say a prayer and give thanks to the Andy Reid idol on desk.
- Insert play into a glass bottle and throw into the ocean.
- Trained seagull finds bottle, snatches from water, drops off on deserted island.
- Shipwrecked island dwellers find play. Argue over who gets to hold the bottle, leading to one of them being killed with a coconut. Others forced to eat the dead body for sustenance. Tears.
- Shipwreck survivors rescued, but realize they will never be the same. Bring play aboard rescue ship.
- Pirates take over ship, “I am the captain now,” U.S. Marines find play among assassinated pirates, dump back overboard.
- Trained dolphin finds play, and using a series of clicks and whistles, calls in play to friendly narwhal who teaches an angry crab a valuable lesson about accepting himself for who he really is.
- Narwhal is trapped in Japanese whaling nets, but is freed when the formerly angry crab snips open the net and he escapes. Play is left behind and is accidentally sealed in a can of Nakamato brand whale oil.
- Fancy boy from New England purchases his weekly can of Nakamato brand whale oil (cleanest burning whale oil on the market) and finds the play. Monocle breaks at utter surprise of finding “barbaric” football play in classy can of whale oil. Immediately alerts the local constable.
- Police confiscate play. Note the play is written on white paper, give it equitable and fair treatment. Listen to what it has to say. Realizes everything is just a misunderstanding and lets play on its way. Play is then stuffed into a shotgun and fired into the air.
- Trained crow snatches play from mid-air, flies back to Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia, where it is delicately placed in the front pocket of offensive coordinator Frank Reich.
- Reich calls in play to Sam Bradford.
- Bradford tries to call an audible at the line of scrimmage. Takes too long. Eagles called for delay of game. Fans boo.
- Lane Johnson suspended for 10 games.
- Angelo Cataldi wishes for the good old days of Chip Kelly, has heart attack, city rejoices.
- Repeat process for every play.
- Doug Pederson fired after first preseason game, Andy Reid hired back as new head coach. Fan realizes he didn’t survive that bus crash last week after all and this is actually hell.
It remains to be seen if this new system will be any more effective than what Pederson employed in games last year.