BREAKING: Dario Saric’s mustache diagnosed with Zika virus


Saric in better times.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Tragedy has struck the 2016 Olympic games as word of the first athlete contracting the Zika virus broke this morning. Unfortunately, it has a local connection.

Dario Saric, a forward for the Croatian national basketball team, was sent home after physicians diagnosed his pencil thin mustache with the Zika virus after the young athlete expressed concerns over its appearance to team officials.

Saric reportedly visited a team doctor after he noticed the mustache had begun to thin and shrink considerably. He was immediately placed in quarantine and given 10 ccs of brylcreem to staunch the damage.

It was too much for doctors to deal with in Rio, however, and it was in Saric’s best entrance to be sent back to America to receive the best possible care for his faltering facial hair.

“We have sent Dario home to meet with the best doctors in the world. He is on strict orders to limit his mustache combing to once a day and is applying mustache wax every hour, but he knows the situation is dire,” a team representative said this morning.

It comes at an unfortunate time for the young man. Saric had just come off a sterling performance against Argentina, netting 19 point, 10 rebounds, and 7 assists in the match up. He of course was going to suit up for the 76ers in the 2016-2017 season, which is now up in the air.

Now that all seems like so unimportant.

“It’s a shame that Dario’s mustache will no longer have the opportunity to reproduce. Cut down in it’s prime. Makes you wonder why bad things happen to good people.”

Sources confirmed that after Saric touched down in Philadelphia and returned to his new apartment, he stared at an electric shaver and then a noose for the remainder of the morning.

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