Croatia

BREAKING: Dario Saric’s mustache diagnosed with Zika virus

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Saric in better times.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Tragedy has struck the 2016 Olympic games as word of the first athlete contracting the Zika virus broke this morning. Unfortunately, it has a local connection.

Dario Saric, a forward for the Croatian national basketball team, was sent home after physicians diagnosed his pencil thin mustache with the Zika virus after the young athlete expressed concerns over its appearance to team officials.

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Reports: Dario Saric charters steamer ship to America

Dario SaricZagreb, Croatia – Sources have confirmed that Dario Saric, a forward for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, is currently in the Croatian port city of Sibenik and has booked himself a steerage ticket on a steamer ship and will set sail to America within the fortnight.

Saric, who has heard of far begone tales of good work and golden paved streets in America, reportedly packed his steamer trunk and bought a sack of limes from a merchant marine to ward off scurvy for the grueling trip ahead.

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Say it ain’t so, is Croatia turning on the Coggin Toboggan?

Flag_of_Croatia.svgBad news friends….our sister country, Croatia, once a beloved ally of The Coggin Toboggan, may be turning on Philadelphia’s favorite sports blog.

We’ve always held an affinity for Croatia…from its lush, rolling green hills, to it’s picturesque beaches…so when a Croatian basketball fan sent a Tweet to our account about Dario Saric last week we happily engaged in a brief discussion using the Twitter translation feature:

See? Nothing horrible. Just a fan wanting to know if I heard anything about Dario Saric coming over to the U.S. next year. I responded:

We reached out and gave the gift of humor, which in some countries is the greatest gift of all. Apparently not so in Croatia, or they just don’t understand the subtleties and deft humorous hand many of my articles possess.

He did not respond.

Undeterred, I pressed on, reaching out to him about our love for Furkan Aldemir, well documented on this site…and he never responded.

Almost a week went by, and I will admit, I was still stinging a bit from my Croatian friend’s hostility. But friendship conquers all, I thought, and sent him another Tweet just last night as I was considering hanging myself while watching the putrid Philadelphia Phillies.

You can see his response below the above Tweet.

Using the Twitter translation function, this is what it says in English. This is 100% true:

“@CogginToboggan @Phillies Uncle I’m in a bad mood I’m not dealing with you for God’s sake take a salmon the go field.”

Uncle?! Salmon?! What the hell Bjelica! I thought we were buddies? You were my man on the street in Croatia, feeding us crucial information about Dario Saric and spreading the good word of The Coggin Toboggan throughout your wonderful country. Now you want me to take my salmon and go out to a field? How DARE you.

Frankly, I don’t put all of the blame on Bjelica. I put most of the blame on the Phillies. The Phillies translate throughout the world as complete shit and are offensive in any language, just the mere mention of the team will get you hung and quartered in some countries.

But as much as the Phillies are garbage and culturally and ethnically offensive, I’m nervous that I’ve gotten myself mixed up with some Croatian street toughs here.

This about sums everything up.

UPDATE AS OF 9 P.M. LAST NIGHT:

All is forgiven. WE LOVE CROATIA!

It’s also come to my attention that Nemanja Bjelica is a Croatian national basketball player who declared himself eligible for the NBA draft, not the name of the Twitter user. I am a complete moron.

Editor’s Note: The CT is going Turkish

Flag_of_TurkeyWhen The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Yesterday, we at the CT published an article about Furkan Aldemir being traded by Sam Hinkie, but nobody telling Furkan he was off the team because everyone was too frightened by the Turkish national athlete tell him the bad news. The post, for whatever reason, went insane. The CT received at least 30 views from people in Turkey and about 15 from Croatia (I had no idea Dario Saric was such a fan) and is already one of the most popular pieces we’ve published on the site.

My god, do you people know what this means? The Coggin Toboggan, in less than two months of being active, has become a global powerhouse.

To the people of Turkey, we salute you! Merhaba (hello)! Karşılama (welcome)! Prenses (princess)!

Of course, for anyone who has read the site we love to write about Furkan Aldemir. We know nothing about the young man, but we enjoy portraying him as a startling foreign presence who intimidates his fellow athletes with stereotypical old-world Turkish tendencies. Do we actually think he uses a voodoo doll to curse Hinkie on a daily basis? Most likely not. Do we think he actually travels to away games with a collection of scimitars? 100% yes. I’d be insanely disappointed if this proved to be untrue.

In fact, we’ve even started to reach out to Furkan on Twitter (@furkanaldemir19) to see if he’d like to be interviewed to shed some light on what type of a person he really is. Yes, we’ll probably be blocked by him, but who knows? Maybe we’ll become good friends (definitely not).

It has crossed my mind that all of the PURELY satirical nonsense we publish on this site is being read by terrorist cell in Turkey who are none to pleased about my American sense of humor. I am aware I may be a part of some back alley terrorist group or renegade Aldemir fan group’s kidnapping plot, and I’m ok with that. If you are going to come at me, just know I won’t go quietly. I’ve seen “Taken” twice and I sleep with a pair of brass knuckles on both fists every night, much to the chagrin of my wife who found out I punch in my sleep.

So to the people of Turkey, I promise you I will continue to cater CT coverage to your whims and will most likely write about 1,000 additional Furkan Aldemir pieces while this site is still up.

Cehennemde görüşürüz (see you in hell).