When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Yesterday, we at the CT published an article about Furkan Aldemir being traded by Sam Hinkie, but nobody telling Furkan he was off the team because everyone was too frightened by the Turkish national athlete tell him the bad news. The post, for whatever reason, went insane. The CT received at least 30 views from people in Turkey and about 15 from Croatia (I had no idea Dario Saric was such a fan) and is already one of the most popular pieces we’ve published on the site.

My god, do you people know what this means? The Coggin Toboggan, in less than two months of being active, has become a global powerhouse.

To the people of Turkey, we salute you! Merhaba (hello)! Karşılama (welcome)! Prenses (princess)!

Of course, for anyone who has read the site we love to write about Furkan Aldemir. We know nothing about the young man, but we enjoy portraying him as a startling foreign presence who intimidates his fellow athletes with stereotypical old-world Turkish tendencies. Do we actually think he uses a voodoo doll to curse Hinkie on a daily basis? Most likely not. Do we think he actually travels to away games with a collection of scimitars? 100% yes. I’d be insanely disappointed if this proved to be untrue.

In fact, we’ve even started to reach out to Furkan on Twitter (@furkanaldemir19) to see if he’d like to be interviewed to shed some light on what type of a person he really is. Yes, we’ll probably be blocked by him, but who knows? Maybe we’ll become good friends (definitely not).

It has crossed my mind that all of the PURELY satirical nonsense we publish on this site is being read by terrorist cell in Turkey who are none to pleased about my American sense of humor. I am aware I may be a part of some back alley terrorist group or renegade Aldemir fan group’s kidnapping plot, and I’m ok with that. If you are going to come at me, just know I won’t go quietly. I’ve seen “Taken” twice and I sleep with a pair of brass knuckles on both fists every night, much to the chagrin of my wife who found out I punch in my sleep.

So to the people of Turkey, I promise you I will continue to cater CT coverage to your whims and will most likely write about 1,000 additional Furkan Aldemir pieces while this site is still up.

Cehennemde görüşürüz (see you in hell).