Furkan Aldemir

Dario Saric makes huge announcement on his future

Dario SaricDario Saric, the vaunted Croatian-born professional athlete that has been rumored for the past two years to be joining the 76ers, reached out to The Coggin Toboggan’s email address (thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com) this afternoon to make an announcement on his future.

Currently playing for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, the 22-year-old forward emailed The Coggin at 1:25 p.m. this afternoon to notify our site about his career. This is not surprising, as The Coggin is currently the most popular sports website in all of Turkey due to our comprehensive coverage of national hero Furkan Aldemir.

From his email address DSaric43589@unisa.cr, Saric sent the following to The Coggin Toboggan:

Hello and best wishes to you and yours exhalted family!

I wish to notify you about a blessed busines deal in your favour from the Turkish Basketball League of Super! Hello, am Dario Saric, a foreword for Anadolu Efes, and am very much wanting to come play the professional basketball of the USA and the Filadelphia Seven Sixers!

Unfortunately, I cannot leave my contract with the league unless a $10,000 transfer fee is paid to my coach head. I do not have the money msyelf, so in God’s name I hope you can please wire me the small funds amount so I may live my dream and play in the Americas.

I know this sounds too better to be true, but it is not! The most things of crucial to be done is to wire a transfer fee of $10,000 to complete the transaction. What are you wayting (sic) for! Please help me today.

God bless you,

Dario Saric

WOW! You heard him, we need to set up a Go Fund Me account to get him over here! This is too good to be true. What a week for the 76ers!

We’d kick in some money for this venture, but we donated all of our petty cash to Joel Embiid, who sent us an email letting us know a Congo prince had left us a “sizable” inheritance in his will after he died.

BREAKING NEWS: Furkan Aldemir will not leave 76ers practice facility

FurkanPhiladelphia, PA – Rumors coming out of the 76ers front office today are claiming that recently cut Turkish athlete Furkan Aldemir will not leave the practice facility and has shown up for team meetings as if nothing has happened.

Aldemir showed up this morning as his confused teammates looked on, pulling an obviously homemade 76ers practice jersey over his head as he stood directly behind his old locker, which was now occupied by rookie forward Christian Wood.

“He just kind of showed up and everyone went silent. He was shaking hands with everyone as he laced up his sneakers and pulled on a jersey that said ‘Philadelfia basketbal 76erz’. He obviously made it last night, it definitely is not official. I guess he forgot he was cut? I don’t know, I’m not telling him.” the nervous Wood said after Aldemir went to use the restroom before practice.

Wood told reporters he found several scimitars, a silver carafe filled with a foreign looking bubbling substance, and several pelts of unknown animals left behind in Aldemir’s locker.

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Hinkie: We made Mr. Divac an offer he couldn’t refuse

Hinkie glassesSacramento, CA – Speaking from a sprawling chalet just outside of Sacramento, Sam Hinkie told reporters Thursday morning the decision to “nudge” Sacramento Kings Vlade Divac, vice president of basketball and franchise operations, into a better state of mind paid off greatly with the 76ers acquisition of Nik Stauskas for next to nothing.

“I’m happy Mr. Divac finally came around to our way of thinking. It’s so much better when things work out for everything, isn’t it Mr. Aldemir?” Hinkie said, handing 76ers power forward Furkan Aldemir an empty cappuccino cup.

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Say it ain’t so, is Croatia turning on the Coggin Toboggan?

Flag_of_Croatia.svgBad news friends….our sister country, Croatia, once a beloved ally of The Coggin Toboggan, may be turning on Philadelphia’s favorite sports blog.

We’ve always held an affinity for Croatia…from its lush, rolling green hills, to it’s picturesque beaches…so when a Croatian basketball fan sent a Tweet to our account about Dario Saric last week we happily engaged in a brief discussion using the Twitter translation feature:

See? Nothing horrible. Just a fan wanting to know if I heard anything about Dario Saric coming over to the U.S. next year. I responded:

We reached out and gave the gift of humor, which in some countries is the greatest gift of all. Apparently not so in Croatia, or they just don’t understand the subtleties and deft humorous hand many of my articles possess.

He did not respond.

Undeterred, I pressed on, reaching out to him about our love for Furkan Aldemir, well documented on this site…and he never responded.

Almost a week went by, and I will admit, I was still stinging a bit from my Croatian friend’s hostility. But friendship conquers all, I thought, and sent him another Tweet just last night as I was considering hanging myself while watching the putrid Philadelphia Phillies.

You can see his response below the above Tweet.

Using the Twitter translation function, this is what it says in English. This is 100% true:

“@CogginToboggan @Phillies Uncle I’m in a bad mood I’m not dealing with you for God’s sake take a salmon the go field.”

Uncle?! Salmon?! What the hell Bjelica! I thought we were buddies? You were my man on the street in Croatia, feeding us crucial information about Dario Saric and spreading the good word of The Coggin Toboggan throughout your wonderful country. Now you want me to take my salmon and go out to a field? How DARE you.

Frankly, I don’t put all of the blame on Bjelica. I put most of the blame on the Phillies. The Phillies translate throughout the world as complete shit and are offensive in any language, just the mere mention of the team will get you hung and quartered in some countries.

But as much as the Phillies are garbage and culturally and ethnically offensive, I’m nervous that I’ve gotten myself mixed up with some Croatian street toughs here.

This about sums everything up.

UPDATE AS OF 9 P.M. LAST NIGHT:

All is forgiven. WE LOVE CROATIA!

It’s also come to my attention that Nemanja Bjelica is a Croatian national basketball player who declared himself eligible for the NBA draft, not the name of the Twitter user. I am a complete moron.

76ers contact shadow organization to extradite Dario Saric from Turkey

samInstanbul, Turkey – Citing what’s best for business, Sam Hinkie traveled to Istanbul today to meet with several underground figures in the back of a dimly lit, smoke filled Turkish bazaar to begin plans to extradite Dario Saric from his contract with Anadolu Efes S.K.

“You have a man that you want freed, we have a large debt that needs to be paid. I think we can work with each other in this regard,” said Aslan “The Lion” Myanabad. “The cost will be 3 million lira…but I warn you, the penalty for such a thing is many years in the Eskişehir (prison) and I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.”

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We’re going to the draft lottery, bitches

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

76ers current record: 0-0.

Fuck and yes, people, my boy Stinkie Hinkie notified us today and told us that we are going to be representing the squad at Tuesday night’s draft lottery. Nerlens will be there, of course, and I’ll be high, hi-topped and faded, and we’ll be watching those ping pong balls bounce to see where we land for the 2015 draft.

It’s going to be fabulous. The 76ers will be picking up the tab for our night out in Brooklyn. We’re going to take that hipster town over and see where we fall for the draft.

Either way, I hope we get to pick somewhere so we can draft my boy D’Angelo Russell from Ohio State. We hung out with my boy last week and he actually seemed PUMPED to come to Philadelphia. He kept talking about how he couldn’t “wait to see the Empire State Building” and “visit the Shivering Sea” and “walk over the Golden Gate Bridge” all in one day. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was talking about New York City, a fictional body of water in “Game of Thrones,” and San Francisco…literally none of those things are in Philadelphia.

That Ohio State education might not be working out for him.

Either way, we are going to get FUCKED up Tuesday night. I’m a little worried, though, that Furkan is going to tag along. Nobody will tell him he can’t come…if he shows up he’s going to get into the car and there’s no way he won’t ruin the entire broadcast.

He could provide some extra muscle, maybe intimidate Silver to give us a few extra ping pong balls. Fuck it, I’m calling him, Furkan and me are going to take this city by storm.

Go Sixers, baby!

Fuck ya’ll, all ya’ll

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (18-58). Who is even on this team anymore?

To all you pieces of garbage that wanted us traded? FUCK YOU. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS.

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Furkan Aldemir records first double-double, still ignoring us

FurkanFurkan, why are you doing this to us? You put up a sterling 11 point, 10 rebound game against the Cleveland Cavaliers, one of the top NBA teams in the country, and you’re announced as the starting center for the rest of the year, yet you STILL ignore our requests for an interview.

The Coggin has been firmly behind you since your arrival to the Philadelphia 76ers so many months ago. The mystery, the intrigue surrounding you as a player was just too much to ignore. We jumped on the Furkan trade first and have been riding it to glory ever since.

Your fabulous beard, your even greater neckbeard, and a seemingly incoherent ability on the court drew us to you. But now you’re putting us all to shame, showing that you actually do belong on an NBA court. You’ve gained the trust of Head Coach Brett Brown and you’re starting EVERY game from here on out to the end of the season.

But look at this Tweet:

  Feb 25

Ok, , you’re playing hardball. so we’re centering our coverage today around YOU.

We centered an entire day’s coverage around you, Furkan! We believed in you before any of these other jamokes even knew who you were!

So lets face facts here. Don’t take this as a threat, but if you don’t eventually come on the site for one of our hard hitting and ground breaking interviews, we might have to reduce our number of articles on you to just 30 next season, instead of the seemingly thousands we wrote in the past three months.

Sam Hinkie: Oh, so Chip Kelly traded McCoy? We’ll see about this.
Hinkie glasses

Chip Kelly’s got nothing on this stud.

Philadelphia, PA – After having the Philadelphia sports media diverted from debating the 76ers recent trades, future and direction of the franchise for just one day, Sam Hinkie simply smirked and pressed a gigantic red button affixed to his desk deep within the confines of the Wells Fargo Center during an impromptu press conference.

“So Mr. Chip Kelly thinks he can divert attention away from my beloved 76ers by making a rash decision and trading one of the most talented and popular members of the Philadelphia Eagles? Please, check the team site,” He said to a collected group of reporters. “Upon checking your iPhones, you’ll notice Nerlens Noel is no longer listed on the team roster.”

A gasp arose from the media, as the active team roster instead featured a picture of Kevin Durant wearing a 76ers jersey. A second picture had been posted to the main page of the 76ers website, prominently featuring a smiling Durant shaking Hinkie’s hand.

“Ladies, gentlemen, your newest member of the Philadelphia 76ers. This town is mine, Kelly, never forget it. You can quote that. Now get the hell out of here,” he told the assembled reporters.

The media were then ushered off of WFC property at gunpoint by Furkan Aldemir.

Editor’s Note: The CT is going Turkish

Flag_of_TurkeyWhen The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Yesterday, we at the CT published an article about Furkan Aldemir being traded by Sam Hinkie, but nobody telling Furkan he was off the team because everyone was too frightened by the Turkish national athlete tell him the bad news. The post, for whatever reason, went insane. The CT received at least 30 views from people in Turkey and about 15 from Croatia (I had no idea Dario Saric was such a fan) and is already one of the most popular pieces we’ve published on the site.

My god, do you people know what this means? The Coggin Toboggan, in less than two months of being active, has become a global powerhouse.

To the people of Turkey, we salute you! Merhaba (hello)! Karşılama (welcome)! Prenses (princess)!

Of course, for anyone who has read the site we love to write about Furkan Aldemir. We know nothing about the young man, but we enjoy portraying him as a startling foreign presence who intimidates his fellow athletes with stereotypical old-world Turkish tendencies. Do we actually think he uses a voodoo doll to curse Hinkie on a daily basis? Most likely not. Do we think he actually travels to away games with a collection of scimitars? 100% yes. I’d be insanely disappointed if this proved to be untrue.

In fact, we’ve even started to reach out to Furkan on Twitter (@furkanaldemir19) to see if he’d like to be interviewed to shed some light on what type of a person he really is. Yes, we’ll probably be blocked by him, but who knows? Maybe we’ll become good friends (definitely not).

It has crossed my mind that all of the PURELY satirical nonsense we publish on this site is being read by terrorist cell in Turkey who are none to pleased about my American sense of humor. I am aware I may be a part of some back alley terrorist group or renegade Aldemir fan group’s kidnapping plot, and I’m ok with that. If you are going to come at me, just know I won’t go quietly. I’ve seen “Taken” twice and I sleep with a pair of brass knuckles on both fists every night, much to the chagrin of my wife who found out I punch in my sleep.

So to the people of Turkey, I promise you I will continue to cater CT coverage to your whims and will most likely write about 1,000 additional Furkan Aldemir pieces while this site is still up.

Cehennemde görüşürüz (see you in hell).