Sacramento Kings

Jerry Colangelo sex party forces 76ers game cancellation

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – After a slick sheen on the Wells Fargo Center court rendered the surface unplayable last night, the 76ers were forced to postpone their matchup against the Sacramento Kings until a later date.

John Page, president of the Wells Fargo Center complex, said excessive moisture on the court forced the cancellation of the game. When asked why the surface of the court was affected, Page pointed to an event held at the center earlier in the day.

“We have some ideas of what could have caused this, but all signs point squarely to Jerry Colangelo’s annual swingers party that he held at center court earlier in the day,” Page noted.

The Colangelo sponsored “bacchanal orgy” was a holdover from his previous GM contract with the organization, which allotted him space in the Wells Fargo Center once a year to live out his depraved perversions.


REPORT: 76ers jealous of Sacramento Kings stability

nerlens-noel-pacersPhiladelphia, PA – After blowing a late fourth quarter loss to the Sacramento Kings, several members of the 76ers looked longingly towards the Kings bench and wondered what it would be like to be part of a stable franchise.

The Kings are currently nine games under .500.

“Look at them. One star center, a few complimentary pieces, it must be nice to play in Sacramento day in and day out,” Jahlil Okafor said of the Kings, who for the past month have publicly leaked reports about firing despised veteran head George Karl and have players openly rebel against the franchise.


Hinkie: We made Mr. Divac an offer he couldn’t refuse

Hinkie glassesSacramento, CA – Speaking from a sprawling chalet just outside of Sacramento, Sam Hinkie told reporters Thursday morning the decision to “nudge” Sacramento Kings Vlade Divac, vice president of basketball and franchise operations, into a better state of mind paid off greatly with the 76ers acquisition of Nik Stauskas for next to nothing.

“I’m happy Mr. Divac finally came around to our way of thinking. It’s so much better when things work out for everything, isn’t it Mr. Aldemir?” Hinkie said, handing 76ers power forward Furkan Aldemir an empty cappuccino cup.