Philadelphia, PA – After a slick sheen on the Wells Fargo Center court rendered the surface unplayable last night, the 76ers were forced to postpone their matchup against the Sacramento Kings until a later date.
John Page, president of the Wells Fargo Center complex, said excessive moisture on the court forced the cancellation of the game. When asked why the surface of the court was affected, Page pointed to an event held at the center earlier in the day.
“We have some ideas of what could have caused this, but all signs point squarely to Jerry Colangelo’s annual swingers party that he held at center court earlier in the day,” Page noted.
The Colangelo sponsored “bacchanal orgy” was a holdover from his previous GM contract with the organization, which allotted him space in the Wells Fargo Center once a year to live out his depraved perversions.
According to an anonymous eyewitness who accidentally stumbled into the Swingers Party yesterday afternoon, Colangelo and “30 to 40 of his depraved friends” took up space at center court and “sucked and fucked” their way over every inch of playing surface, covering the court in a layer of sweat, KY Jelly, other personal lubricants, genital fluids and gallons upon gallons of geriatric semen.
“Just miles of flabby skin, wrinkled buttocks, gray pubic hair and long, saggy balls over inch of that floor. Rhythmic, wet slapping noises echoed through the center for what seemed like years. This will replace the Vietnamese village I burned down in Nam in my nightmares each night,” the source said.
Despite the best efforts of the 76ers floor crew, the surface was far too warped to host a basketball game last evening.
The arena itself was not in much better shape.
“My 11-year-old son found a 12-inch Black Bronco Double Sided Ridged Dildo under his seat when we got to our section. He picked it up, thought it was a light saber. Inappropriate, no matter how you spin it,” Regina Lowenstein of Cherry Hill said, who took her two sons to their first game last night.
“And that smell is something I’ll never forget for as long as I live.”
When asked for comment, Colangelo simply smiled in his loosely adorned silk robe and took a long drag off of a cigarette.
“What can I say, I’m a man of simple pleasures. It’s just sex, baby, no need to be embarrassed by it. Just because I’m a senior citizen doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a freshly shaved snatch as much as the next guy,” he said, spreading his legs, showing the entire press corp that his robe was obviously not tied around his waist.
“Any of you cool? Daddy Colangelo is looking for a little suck time, if you know what I mean, any takers?”