Cleveland Cavaliers

Despite much needed reinforcements, Lebron James’ hairline making a hasty retreat

LebronPhiladelphia, PA – Two wars were being waged Monday evening, 76ers fans noted, as Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers came into Philadelphia to take on the 76ers.

As Lebron took on the 76ers at the Wells Fargo Court, his hairline also waged battle against the ravages of age and male pattern baldness.

“What a talent, but he really needs to just give it up and shave his head already,” said Johnathan Ames, who was taking in the game with his young son. “More money than he could ever spend in one lifetime and he has the hairline of an 80 year old man. Really makes you think”

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Furkan Aldemir records first double-double, still ignoring us

FurkanFurkan, why are you doing this to us? You put up a sterling 11 point, 10 rebound game against the Cleveland Cavaliers, one of the top NBA teams in the country, and you’re announced as the starting center for the rest of the year, yet you STILL ignore our requests for an interview.

The Coggin has been firmly behind you since your arrival to the Philadelphia 76ers so many months ago. The mystery, the intrigue surrounding you as a player was just too much to ignore. We jumped on the Furkan trade first and have been riding it to glory ever since.

Your fabulous beard, your even greater neckbeard, and a seemingly incoherent ability on the court drew us to you. But now you’re putting us all to shame, showing that you actually do belong on an NBA court. You’ve gained the trust of Head Coach Brett Brown and you’re starting EVERY game from here on out to the end of the season.

But look at this Tweet:

Ok, , you’re playing hardball. so we’re centering our coverage today around YOU.

We centered an entire day’s coverage around you, Furkan! We believed in you before any of these other jamokes even knew who you were!

So lets face facts here. Don’t take this as a threat, but if you don’t eventually come on the site for one of our hard hitting and ground breaking interviews, we might have to reduce our number of articles on you to just 30 next season, instead of the seemingly thousands we wrote in the past three months.

OH my sweet jesus, we’ve won a few games

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (11-33). A returning Big Shot brandished a switchblade at Henry Sims last week for no good reason.

We’ve actually won a few games, 3-2 in our last five, including a win over the Minnesota Timberwolves and the returning Thaddeus Young. He didn’t seem to enjoy the last season and didn’t speak to anyone on the roster for the final month’s worth of games. He had a thousand yard stare and visibly recoiled whenever anyone touched him…he seems much happier now, but I definitely saw his soul leave his body when someone in the crowd called him a “no good piece of shit.”

It was all fun and games until we had to go to Cleveland and Lebron James actually decided to play against us. He demolished everyone on our team. He wasn’t even trying. At one point in the game he was taking all of his shots left handed, and I’m pretty sure he tried to punt in a three-point attempt towards the end of the third quarter.

He was lighthearted throughout the entire game until the last five minutes…and then Furkan Aldemir entered the game. My god, he would not stop calling Lebron’s mother a “filthy, flea ridden whore.” He’s really gotten into American trash talking. I mean, he was going into disgusting details about everything Delonte West reportedly did to his mother. It was really personal, horrible stuff, and during the last 10 seconds tears were streaming down Lebron’s face. It was heart wrenching stuff, we were all telling Furkan to stop, but that crazy European son of a bitch just wouldn’t give up.

You don’t even want to know what he said to Kyle Korver’s younger sister the next night. He is one brutal mother fucker.

We play the Boston Celtics on Friday. There’s a $5,000 pot on who can elbow Evan Turner in the esophagus first.

It’s a take about nothing!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia 76ers?! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, pick a team identity and stick with it! You’re supposed to be tanking and you’re two games in a row, what’s the deal! Why is it the team wins when we want them to lose, and loses when we want them to win, what’s the deal?!

And who are these people?? I feel like they’re two weeks away from signing random fans out of the crowd who hit the backboard during the halftime half-court shots.

And what’s the deal with Lebron James’s receding hair line? If he loses anymore hair he’ll be balder than Jason Alexander after I snatch that bird’s nest off the top of his chrome dome the next time he’s at my penthouse begging me to do a Seinfeld reunion. You were on one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, Alexander, act like it! It’s not fun when you act like George in real life, what’s the deal! Take a cue from Julia and hitch your wagon to an edgy, award winning show….or at least follow in Michael’s footsteps and take the hint when I don’t return your phone calls, what’s the deal!