Seinfeld

Festivus and the 2017 Airing of Grievances with The Coggin Toboggan

I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT. YOU, KRUGER, MY SON TELLS ME YOUR COMPANY STINKS! – Frank Costanza.

Merry (early) Festivus to all of the dear readers of The Coggin Toboggan. 2017 is mercifully coming to a close in less than a few weeks, but what ho! There is still plenty of time for more gripes and complaints in 2017 with your good friends at The Coggin Toboggan.

And what better way to have our voices heard about everything that disappointed us in the past year than by participating in the annual Airing of Grievances, an important part of the Festivus tradition?

But what’s that, you say? You don’t know about Festivus? Why, it’s a made up holiday from a decades old episode of Seinfeld that lazy blogs and sports talk radio stations use to squeeze out a topic of conversation at the end of each year.

Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!

But we are a lazy, lazy blog. We aired our own grievances in 2015 and in 2016, but this year we don’t have the energy. So we turned to our readers, our glorious, loyal, honest readers for their grievances about anything.

Boy, did you guys put a damper on everything as usual. ::sighs deeply:: I guess we can look at them together, but first let me say how truly disappointed I am in all of you.

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A (late) Festivus airing of grievances

he05wkm“I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT.” – Frank Costanza.

How, oh how could we have forgotten the most fun part of Festivus, the Airing of Grievances? The popular holiday, created by Frank Costanza who was tired of the commercialism and religious aspects of Christmas, urges followers to let loved ones know all of the ways they have disappointed them in the past year.

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RIP Mr. Kruger: There will be no feats of strength where you’re going

Daniel Von Bargen, wondering why George would ever try and give him a fake Christmas gift.

Daniel Von Bargen, wondering why George would ever try and give him a fake Christmas gift.

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

In depressing news not related to anything that has to do with Philadelphia sports, Daniel Von Bargen, the actor who portrayed the gloriously hilarious Mr. Kruger on four episodes of Seinfeld, died today.

My only question is, what will happen with Kruger Industrial Smoothing now? They really botched that Statue of Liberty job (they couldn’t get the green stuff off) and took it on the chin last year, so what will happen now that their founder and CEO has passed away?

Oh well. We shall miss you, Mr. Kruger. Hopefully when you get to Heaven the “K” on the gates will have not fallen off and sound like one of those old timey car horns (K-uggggger! K-ugggger!)

Obviously God figured he could go either way on you….but they needed somebody so what the hell.

Here’s to hoping that you don’t find any pear shaped losers up there and feel the need to throw all of their stuff into the ocean.

Here’s to hoping you can spin around in your chair more than 5 times with no hands.

Here’s to hoping that nobody will give you anymore fake Christmas gifts.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! (and Rob Konrad)

Jerry_SeinfeldJerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal, Philadelphia Flyers?! You have the top two scorers in the league, yet you’re floundering around in your division worse than Rob Konrad in the Atlantic Ocean! If Bobby Clarke were still the GM, you know he would have traded Claude Giroux for Martin Brodeur and Al MacInnis by now to “change the attitude” of the team.

But what is the deal with this Rob Konrad guy? Sure, you allegedly “fell” off your boat trying to reel in a fish, just like Michael Richards said he allegedly told those people in the comedy club they had “chiggers” in their hair. It just doesn’t add up! One jellyfish sting and you would have sank to the bottom of the ocean, something’s not right here!

Does anyone believe this story?! What’s the deal?! 17 miles in the ocean and you’re able to swim to shore with just a mild case of hypothermia? That’s like Jason Alexander snorting an 8-ball of coke and arriving at the hospital with just a mild case of brain damage, it just doesn’t add up. What’s the deal?!

Come on Flyers, try to string together a few wins before one of your defensemen or goalies get hurt again. What’s the deal with these fragile professional athletes getting hurt every two seconds?! Steve Mason kicks his leg out for a save one minute, and the next he’s flopping around on the ice like a clubbed baby seal.

The Rob Konrad story reminds me of a Seinfeld episode Larry David pitched me once that never saw the light of day. It was going to center around myself, Elaine, Kramer and George enjoying a cruise from Long Island to the Bahamas, until Kramer convinced the captain to let him guide the ship into port because he had a better route and ran us all aground on a coral reef. Well, 2,000 souls perished in the episode, including George, and just left the remaining three on a life raft with the bloated corpse of Costanza to keep us company.

I kept telling him that we couldn’t kill off a main character, but he told me it wouldn’t be retconned. I still don’t know what that means.

David never did finish the script, though he did allude to Elaine buckling first and succumbing to cannibalism. He wrote a harrowing scene of her doing little kicks in a life raft, eating George’s detached foot with blood running down her face…It was a bit of a downer on second thought, but still would have been better than the finale.

What’s the deal?!

It’s a take about nothing!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia 76ers?! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, pick a team identity and stick with it! You’re supposed to be tanking and you’re two games in a row, what’s the deal! Why is it the team wins when we want them to lose, and loses when we want them to win, what’s the deal?!

And who are these people?? I feel like they’re two weeks away from signing random fans out of the crowd who hit the backboard during the halftime half-court shots.

And what’s the deal with Lebron James’s receding hair line? If he loses anymore hair he’ll be balder than Jason Alexander after I snatch that bird’s nest off the top of his chrome dome the next time he’s at my penthouse begging me to do a Seinfeld reunion. You were on one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, Alexander, act like it! It’s not fun when you act like George in real life, what’s the deal! Take a cue from Julia and hitch your wagon to an edgy, award winning show….or at least follow in Michael’s footsteps and take the hint when I don’t return your phone calls, what’s the deal!