The Coggin Toboggan’s Festivus miracle!

And that miracle is that we’re publishing our annual Festivus column TWO DAYS EARLY! In the words of Frank Costanza, I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

Festivus, as we all know, is where we gather our good friends and family together for a dinner, an entertaining feat of strength, and the ever popular Airing of Grievances.

What is the Airing of Grievances? I weep for you.

Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!

Why, the Airing of Grievances is your once chance a year to scream your disappointments to the heavens and not be judged for them.

But I am a lazy man, and I run a lazy, lazy blog. So that’s why I decided to farm out my work to the suckers (fans) that actually read the nonsense I spew all over this site. It’s the American way…when something is too daunting and too much work, you simply find the losers who will do the work for you and reward them with a mere pittance for their efforts.

LOVE YOU GUYS.

Let’s see the best grievances we received this year after the jump.

My goodness, we are coming into Festivus HOT. LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL. BECAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AINT’ BAD AND HEAVEN CAN WAIT.

A little all over the place here. Bonus points for complaining about three of the four major teams in this town. That’s a fine effort, sir. Several grievances, however, are woefully out of date. Hakstol? GONE. Hextall? GONE. Carter Hart? IN! Please do better next, Rollingthunder, and take into account that ever changing sports climate we live in.

Ben Simmons refusing to take jump shots beyond 12-feet, however, will be an evergreen grievance until the end of time.

Great point, Mike! Mr. Hook of course is referencing our HILARIOUS and AWARD WINNING polls that always include a third option of the Eagles game being a “must-win” despite having nothing to do with the poll question itself. HOW VERY DROLL!

Yes Mike, it is a shame that not everyone picks up on the hilarity we are putting down. An important grievance for sure.

If this guy ever got stuck behind Barkann doing 65 on 295 I have a feeling he’d drive his car into a bridge abutment and end it all.

Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says “Genius at Work” spend all of his time watching a children’s cartoon show?

Now you’re talking my language! I HATE that “My Teams” graphic with every fiber of my hate soaked soul. It is completely unnecessary to have that graphic on every broadcast of every game for EVERY MINUTE OF PLAY. We know it’s there, NBC Sports Philly, STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. IT STINKS AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

Another hard hitting grievance. Tim, I completely agree with you. The decision to change his voice and also make him completely CGI has taken all of the edge and wonder out of our pal Gus.

I yearn for the days of creepy commercials with Gus in his bad animatronic form.

Plus, was anyone else kind of attracted to Gus’s sister that appeared in a few of the commercials?

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No? Ummm…yeah, me neither.

Fuck, I hope Carter Hart doesn’t read this blog. Who are we kidding….OF COURSE HE READS THIS BLOG.

Carter, I apologize on behalf of Philadelphia. We’re not all this negative and focused purely on the bad.

With that being said, if you don’t win this city a Cup in two years you’ll be an abject failure and we’ll all hate your choking guts. No pressure.

Well that’s it, dear reader. The grievances were subpar this year and I’m very, very disappointed in all of you.

 

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