Festivus

Festivus is Cancelled Because The Eagles Beat the Cowboys

Sorry folks, put your aluminum poles away. They’ll be fine in the crawl space, believe me, they have a very high strength to weight ratio after all.

I’m sorry to announce that Festivus is cancelled for the year. Why? Because you can’t celebrate Festivus a day after the Eagles embarrass the Dallas Cowboys on national television for the NFC East crown.

Really, what can we complain about? What grievances could we possibly air, Philadelphia, one day after sending the Cowboys back to the heart of Texas with yet another huge “L” in a big spot with many more questions than answers in their future.

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The Coggin Toboggan’s Festivus miracle!

And that miracle is that we’re publishing our annual Festivus column TWO DAYS EARLY! In the words of Frank Costanza, I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

Festivus, as we all know, is where we gather our good friends and family together for a dinner, an entertaining feat of strength, and the ever popular Airing of Grievances.

What is the Airing of Grievances? I weep for you.

Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!

Why, the Airing of Grievances is your once chance a year to scream your disappointments to the heavens and not be judged for them.

But I am a lazy man, and I run a lazy, lazy blog. So that’s why I decided to farm out my work to the suckers (fans) that actually read the nonsense I spew all over this site. It’s the American way…when something is too daunting and too much work, you simply find the losers who will do the work for you and reward them with a mere pittance for their efforts.

LOVE YOU GUYS.

Let’s see the best grievances we received this year after the jump.

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Festivus and the 2017 Airing of Grievances with The Coggin Toboggan

I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT. YOU, KRUGER, MY SON TELLS ME YOUR COMPANY STINKS! – Frank Costanza.

Merry (early) Festivus to all of the dear readers of The Coggin Toboggan. 2017 is mercifully coming to a close in less than a few weeks, but what ho! There is still plenty of time for more gripes and complaints in 2017 with your good friends at The Coggin Toboggan.

And what better way to have our voices heard about everything that disappointed us in the past year than by participating in the annual Airing of Grievances, an important part of the Festivus tradition?

But what’s that, you say? You don’t know about Festivus? Why, it’s a made up holiday from a decades old episode of Seinfeld that lazy blogs and sports talk radio stations use to squeeze out a topic of conversation at the end of each year.

Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!

But we are a lazy, lazy blog. We aired our own grievances in 2015 and in 2016, but this year we don’t have the energy. So we turned to our readers, our glorious, loyal, honest readers for their grievances about anything.

Boy, did you guys put a damper on everything as usual. ::sighs deeply:: I guess we can look at them together, but first let me say how truly disappointed I am in all of you.

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A Festivus Airing of Grievances to our dear readers

he05wkmI’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT. YOU, KRUGER, MY SON TELLS ME YOUR COMPANY STINK! – Frank Costanza.

 

Merry Festivus to all of our readers! What a day. I’ve already challenged my nine-month-old son to the feats of strength. He shit himself and rolled over, so I guess he showed me.

I’ve already screamed my grievances at my wife and family members this morning, so I figured I’d turn my attention to you, the dear readers. You all stink and it’s a Festivus miracle I’ve been able to put up with your nonsense for the past year.

Here are some of the dumbest tweets we’ve gotten in 2016 from our “fans.”

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A (late) Festivus airing of grievances

he05wkm“I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT.” – Frank Costanza.

How, oh how could we have forgotten the most fun part of Festivus, the Airing of Grievances? The popular holiday, created by Frank Costanza who was tired of the commercialism and religious aspects of Christmas, urges followers to let loved ones know all of the ways they have disappointed them in the past year.

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