Festivus is Cancelled Because The Eagles Beat the Cowboys

Sorry folks, put your aluminum poles away. They’ll be fine in the crawl space, believe me, they have a very high strength to weight ratio after all.

I’m sorry to announce that Festivus is cancelled for the year. Why? Because you can’t celebrate Festivus a day after the Eagles embarrass the Dallas Cowboys on national television for the NFC East crown.

Really, what can we complain about? What grievances could we possibly air, Philadelphia, one day after sending the Cowboys back to the heart of Texas with yet another huge “L” in a big spot with many more questions than answers in their future.

Yes, Festivus is cancelled. Yes, it is your heritage George…yes we had some good times…but what are we going to say when it’s time to gather all of our loved ones around to tell them about how they’ve disappointed us in the last year? I don’t have it in me, do you?

How can you be in the Festivus mood when Jerry Jones is sent shambling back to his crypt to feast upon the blood of young virgins to energize his living corpse for yet another year? Who can find anything negative to grieve when fat boy Chris Christie tried to valiantly stuff just a few more fistfuls of popcorn down his gullet before they closed Jones’s suite after he cried his way out of the building.

The Eagles won the feats of strength. That was decided yesterday. No point to even try to top it today.

We even had reader grievances all lined up for today! Thanks for the submissions, gang, but you can just stuff your sorries in a sack because they’ve all be thrown out the window.

I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE….but today is not the day you’re going to hear them. Krueger’s company will still stink next year, he’ll still not be able to smooth his silk sheet on a hot date…and I’ll still lose my train of thought.

Today is not the day.

Even my wife had a grievance. Sorry sweetie, but you’ll have to throw a cinderblock through Pat Shurmur’s windshield another time. You’ll still be mad he didn’t try for a score at the end of the first half against the Eagles a few weeks back in a tie game with two timeouts in his pockets. I can guarantee that.

I’ll still make a donation to the Human Fund in your name, but the celebration has been cancelled. There will be no Festivus miracles this year.

Now if the Eagles lose to the Giants next week? Festivus is back on AND YOU’RE ALL GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

Go buy Eagles gear through the banner below because they’re good again.

Shop the Newest Philadelphia Eagles Fan Gear at Fanatics!

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