Frat boy and hot take artist Max Kellerman slithered his way into town this morning for a special Philadelphia episode of ESPN’s migraine inducing “First Take.” As was his destiny, Kellerman was lustily booed by well-lubricated fans who used his appearance at Chickie & Pete’s as an excuse to get shit-faced drunk instead of going to work, as is every Philadelphian’s god given right.
At this point you’re not going to read anything new that hasn’t already been said about Kellerman, his inane opinions on Carson Wentz, or the fact that a third-level tier boxing analyst wormed his way onto the national sports opinion stage on the back of Stephen A. Smith’s notoriety.
No. Let’s be much more childish and play Philadelphia’s favorite game, “What does Max Kellerman look like?!?” after the jump!
- A failed, less talented clone of Vanilla Ice and House of Pain (oops, I guess that’s actually true)
- The son of the head counselor from the “Rich Camp Across the Lake” in a bad 80s comedy.
- A guy who’s been to 74 Dave Matthews Band concerts over the past 10 years, but only hangs out in the lots to talk to high school girls.
- A yappy chihuahua that bites kids.
- The guy who locks all of his friends in a cabin with Jason Voorhees to save his own life in a “Friday the 13th” movie, but is later found with a screwdriver skewered through his eye to uproarious applause from the movie audience.
- A smarmy douche.
- A man with more than one turtleneck sweater in his closet.
- Someone who uses the phrase “that being said” way too often.
- Someone who has definitely said, “I have a lot of black friends!”
- The kind of guy who goes to a restaurant and puts five $1 bills on the table as a tip and takes one away each time his waitress displeases him.
- The most punchable man in the world.
- The kind of guy who would comfort you after you broke up with your longtime girlfriend, but would be secretly talking shit about you to her behind your back her.
- Someone with a favorite NFC and AFC team.
- A typical Yankees fan.
I think that about covers it. What else did we miss? Let us know on Twitter and we’ll add them.