Stephen A. Smith

Let’s Play Philadelphia’s Favorite Game, “What Does Max Kellerman Look Like?!?”

Frat boy and hot take artist Max Kellerman slithered his way into town this morning for a special Philadelphia episode of  ESPN’s migraine inducing “First Take.” As was his destiny, Kellerman was lustily booed by well-lubricated fans who used his appearance at Chickie & Pete’s as an excuse to get shit-faced drunk instead of going to work, as is every Philadelphian’s god given right.

At this point you’re not going to read anything new that hasn’t already been said about Kellerman, his inane opinions on Carson Wentz, or the fact that a third-level tier boxing analyst wormed his way onto the national sports opinion stage on the back of Stephen A. Smith’s notoriety.

No. Let’s be much more childish and play Philadelphia’s favorite game, “What does Max Kellerman look like?!?” after the jump!

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Greg Hardy thanks Stephen A. Smith for his support, pummels him atop pile of guns
greg hardy

All around good guy Greg Hardy.

Dallas, Texas – Controversial Dallas Cowboys defensive end found an ally with ESPN football analyst Stephen A. Smith Tuesday afternoon, as Smith publicly stated his support for Hardy and his role in a sideline scuffle with a Cowboys special teams coach.

Hardy, who was suspended the first four games of the season due to allegedly beating his girlfriend last year, thanked Smith for his support before picking him up over his head and callously tossing him down onto a pile of handguns and assault rifles.

“It’s nice to have someone on my side when so many people have me pegged as a thug and a miscreant,” Hardy said from his home as he rained blows down upon Smith, who was cowering atop the pile of deadly weapons. “I’d like to thank Stephen for his candor and not screaming for help loudly enough for my neighbors to hear this.”

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Stephen A. Smith: These are the moves of someone who is not, NOT a racist
Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a three day tirade against Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly, Stephen A. Smith tripled down today on his “entertaining” First Take show on ESPN 9. Smith had several harsh words for the trade the Eagles completed, bringing in Sam Bradford for Nick Foles and a bevy of picks.

“Are these the moves that a man who isn’t a bigot would make? ARE THEY?!” Smith screamed at co-host Skip Bayless, spraying flicks of spittle on his face.

“Where’s the brother involved in this deal? Why does he never trade for a black man? If this were the 1950s he’d be manning the hoses as he washed all of the African Americans out of that locker room,” he screamed into the camera.

“But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything, you just have to read between the lines with me. I’m subtle like that, isn’t that right Skip?” Smith said, somehow still yelling during a calm moment of the show.

Bayless tried to answer Smith, but couldn’t be heard over the loud boos raining down on him from outside of the studio.

“I know Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, and Philly loves me,” Smith said, despite the fact that he is abhorred by the majority of sports fans in the city, who wouldn’t slow down on the street to help him up if he fell and broke his hip. “I speak for the city, and man, they are not happy with this old guard, deep south fool.”

Bayless cackled along with Smith, nodding his head vigorously.

“I even have a source telling me that Kelly put an order down recently for at least five purebred German shepherds. You know who loves those dogs. But I’m not saying anything, I’m not,” He said, winking at the camera as he pointed to a Confederate flag.

Smith wrapped up the segment and immediately had his contract re-upped by ESPN for another 10 years.