San Francisco

Finally some good news for Chip Kelly!
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What, me worry? (photo credit: USA Today)

Wow, when God closes a door he certainly opens a window. After another disheartening season for Chip Kelly, the 49ers head coach deserved to hear some good news about his vaunted system and coaching ability.

Well, good news Chip, over the past two years you lead all NFL coaches in dismissals from their jobs! Congratulations! That’s quite an accomplishment for any head coach and only you, and you alone, can say you’ve reached this pinnacle of success.

Two years and two firings….that’s one more than even Gus Bradley or Jim Caldwell can brag about.

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Who thinks Terry Collins should have brought in Zach Britton last night?
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Should have brought in Britton.

Let’s all be honest here. We all saw what happened to the Mets last night. They Metted up the place and blew the Wild Card play in game. I just have one, simple question for everyone…

Who here thinks Terry Collins should have brought in Zach Britton instead of Jeurys Familia?

It’s perfectly alright. Come on, come on, don’t dawdle. Raise your hands up in the air, don’t be shy. No need to be embarrassed. Who here thinks it would have been a great move for Collins to bring in Britton?

Let’s look to Twitter, shall we? Twitter has all the answers.

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Ejected Phillies fan ejected for ‘no reason,’ according to ejected Phillies fan
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Unruly fan being tossed from the Phillies game. (via ESPN.com)

Philadelphia, PA – A heckling Phillies fan was ejected last night during a contest against the San Francisco Giants by home plate umpire Bob Davidson for “absolutely no reason,” according to the ejected fan this morning.

Only in Philadelphia!

Davidson stopped the crowd in the sixth inning and ejected a fan after his taunts became sexual in nature and wouldn’t stop.

The fan, who reportedly lives in Delco and goes only by the name “Bug,” said Davidson tossed him despite “doing a whole lot of nothing” and “cracking everybody up” in his section.

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Doug Pederson destroys horrifying sports science creation found at NovaCare Complex
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What horrors did this man see?

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles head coach Doug Pederson nearly burned the NovaCare Complex to the ground last night after the new coach made a gruesome discovery in the bowels of the Eagles training camp facility.

“It was horrible, just horrible. The scream it made after I sent it to hell….I’ll be hearing that in my nightmares for the rest of my life,” Pederson said, still donning a blanket a fire fighter had draped over him after the incident.

Wanting to cut back on the sports science technology mandated by former coach Chip Kelly, Pederson stumbled on a hidden back room in Kelly’s old office after he accidentally flipped a secret lever while trying to move boxes of hydration technique books out of the space.

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Mychal Kendricks: Pederson more open than Kelly, gives less enemas

091614-mychal-kendricks-600Philadelphia, PA – The differences between new head coach Doug Pederson and Chip Kelly have never been more evident than the first several days of mandatory workouts, Eagles linebacker Mychal Kendricks told reporters Wednesday morning.

Kendricks said the majority of the team’s veterans have already taken notice and respect Pederson’s less stringent practices, his ability to be more flexible, and the cancellation of the team’s enema program that Kelly strictly enforced for the past two seasons.

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Super Bowl bound Evan Mathis sends Chip Kelly antagonistic texts at 2 a.m.

032614_evan-mathis_600Denver, Colo – Perhaps rubbing salt into Chip Kelly’s wounds, Evan Mathis, a member of the Broncos Super Bowl bound roster, sent a picture of himself partying at 2 a.m. at a Denver nightclub to Chip Kelly’s cell phone.

The picture reportedly was sent along with the following message:

“Up past 10 p.m., how will we ever be ready to play?! Oh wait, we’re grown men who don’t need 12 hours a sleep a night. We’re going to the Super Bowl, enjoy San Francisco! Too bad we don’t have any internal monitors on this team, or maybe you could monitor how much I hate you and wish you would die on a daily basis. Thanks for cutting me, so long chump.” the text reportedly read.

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The City of Philadelphia responds to Jeremy Affeldt

PhillyPlease calm down, I know I’m a living embodiment of the City of Philadelphia, but I felt it was extremely necessary to make my voice heard following the comments of one semi-above average reliever from San Francisco. Not exactly sure WHY Jeremy Affeldt decided to open his dumb hipster mouth and insult myself and the denizens that take up residence within my hallowed boundaries.

Boooooooooo hoooooooooooooo, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I’m Jeremy Affeldt and I don’t like it when people yell things at me! Can’t fans just let me pitch in peace when I’m on the mound, because my rabbit ears pick up every mean thing that the residents of Philadelphia say to me and I’m going to let them fester away inside of me for years until they come vomiting out of my mouth in a poorly attended retirement ceremony I held for myself.

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We’re going to the draft lottery, bitches

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

76ers current record: 0-0.

Fuck and yes, people, my boy Stinkie Hinkie notified us today and told us that we are going to be representing the squad at Tuesday night’s draft lottery. Nerlens will be there, of course, and I’ll be high, hi-topped and faded, and we’ll be watching those ping pong balls bounce to see where we land for the 2015 draft.

It’s going to be fabulous. The 76ers will be picking up the tab for our night out in Brooklyn. We’re going to take that hipster town over and see where we fall for the draft.

Either way, I hope we get to pick somewhere so we can draft my boy D’Angelo Russell from Ohio State. We hung out with my boy last week and he actually seemed PUMPED to come to Philadelphia. He kept talking about how he couldn’t “wait to see the Empire State Building” and “visit the Shivering Sea” and “walk over the Golden Gate Bridge” all in one day. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was talking about New York City, a fictional body of water in “Game of Thrones,” and San Francisco…literally none of those things are in Philadelphia.

That Ohio State education might not be working out for him.

Either way, we are going to get FUCKED up Tuesday night. I’m a little worried, though, that Furkan is going to tag along. Nobody will tell him he can’t come…if he shows up he’s going to get into the car and there’s no way he won’t ruin the entire broadcast.

He could provide some extra muscle, maybe intimidate Silver to give us a few extra ping pong balls. Fuck it, I’m calling him, Furkan and me are going to take this city by storm.

Go Sixers, baby!

Interview with stand-up comedian Dan Soder

Dan_Soder_SEA West Coast guy who moved to New York City to get serious about comedy, Dan Soder has been entertaining fans at comedy clubs, podcasts, television and radio since the 2000s. Soder is playing the Helium Comedy club this Thursday, March 19, to Sunday, March 22, for the first time in his career.

Soder is a regular on the YKWD Podcast with fellow stand-up Robert Kelly and has been featured on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. He’s also appeared numerous times on the Opie and Jim Norton Show (formerly Opie and Anthony) on Sirius XM radio.

He’s performed on the Conan O’Brien show and is a cast member of MTV 2’s Guy Code.

Soder will be playing six shows at Helium this Thursday, March 19, to Sunday, March 22. You can purchase tickets for the shows here.

Luckily for us, Soder is a huge sports fan and decided to waste his time answering our idiotic, and quite frankly, pointless questions.

Go see Dan this weekend, or check out his website for future show dates here.

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