Philadelphia, PA – Eagles head coach Doug Pederson nearly burned the NovaCare Complex to the ground last night after the new coach made a gruesome discovery in the bowels of the Eagles training camp facility.

“It was horrible, just horrible. The scream it made after I sent it to hell….I’ll be hearing that in my nightmares for the rest of my life,” Pederson said, still donning a blanket a fire fighter had draped over him after the incident.

Wanting to cut back on the sports science technology mandated by former coach Chip Kelly, Pederson stumbled on a hidden back room in Kelly’s old office after he accidentally flipped a secret lever while trying to move boxes of hydration technique books out of the space.

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