Philadelphia, PA – Eagles head coach Doug Pederson nearly burned the NovaCare Complex to the ground last night after the new coach made a gruesome discovery in the bowels of the Eagles training camp facility.
“It was horrible, just horrible. The scream it made after I sent it to hell….I’ll be hearing that in my nightmares for the rest of my life,” Pederson said, still donning a blanket a fire fighter had draped over him after the incident.
Wanting to cut back on the sports science technology mandated by former coach Chip Kelly, Pederson stumbled on a hidden back room in Kelly’s old office after he accidentally flipped a secret lever while trying to move boxes of hydration technique books out of the space.
Pederson found himself walking down a spiral staircase into the deepest, most forgotten nether reaches of the NovaCare Complex, pausing to read several journals that had evidently been left behind by Kelly, giving Pederson a glimpse into his descending madness.
“The first journal, which was completed filled by the way, seemed normal enough. Coach Kelly detailed his desires to ‘train’ the most perfect example of a football player the NFL had ever seen for the Eagles. But as I read each subsequent journal after that, it became quite clear he had gone mad,” Pederson said.
The journals went into excruciating detail about how Kelly would lure drifters he deemed “excellently fit” into the NovaCare Complex at night with promises of a hot meal and work, only to trap and kill them, harvesting them for their body parts.
Pederson reached a large metal door at the end of the staircase, and despite strong intuition to leave immediately and get help, he threw the latch and stepped into a nightmare.
“Blood caked everywhere, just discarded and rotting body parts from the victims Kelly had harvested over his two seasons….and….and I don’t even know how to describe the thing strapped to the operating table,” Pederson said, going completely pale.
Regaining his composure, Pederson said a horrifying, ungodly sewn together creature, 7-feet tall if it was a foot, let out a loud moan and attempted to free itself from the heavy straps holding it down. Pederson noted its skin had been replaced with a homemade Eagles jersey and a football helmet had been fused to its skull.
Panicking, Pederson doused the creature with a nearby fuel can and set the creature ablaze, fleeing the premises as its tortured screams filled the staircase.
“Kelly took it too far, tried to play god with his sports science. May the lord have mercy on his soul,” Pederson said.
At press time, authorities in San Francisco said Kelly had fled 49ers complex before he could be brought to justice, but suddenly the rash of disappearing homeless made far too much sense.