Evan Mathis

Super Bowl bound Evan Mathis sends Chip Kelly antagonistic texts at 2 a.m.

032614_evan-mathis_600Denver, Colo – Perhaps rubbing salt into Chip Kelly’s wounds, Evan Mathis, a member of the Broncos Super Bowl bound roster, sent a picture of himself partying at 2 a.m. at a Denver nightclub to Chip Kelly’s cell phone.

The picture reportedly was sent along with the following message:

“Up past 10 p.m., how will we ever be ready to play?! Oh wait, we’re grown men who don’t need 12 hours a sleep a night. We’re going to the Super Bowl, enjoy San Francisco! Too bad we don’t have any internal monitors on this team, or maybe you could monitor how much I hate you and wish you would die on a daily basis. Thanks for cutting me, so long chump.” the text reportedly read.

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Evan Mathis digs out Eagles tracking device from the base of his skull

032614_evan-mathis_600Philadelphia, PA – Mere hours after being released, Pro-Bowl guard Evan Mathis wasted no time in moving on from the organization, using a razor sharp bowie knife to dig out the mandatory Eagles tracking implant from the base of his rear skull.

“Oh god…so much blood,” Mathis reportedly muttered to himself, before he crushed the device under the heel of his boot.

The devices are implanted in every Eagles athlete and monitors there whereabouts, health, sexual activity, diet, private conversations and inner most thoughts.

All members of the organization are required to wear the monitoring devices as per the mandate of Chip Kelly, who pours over the data until the wee hours in the morning. Several representatives within the organization are reporting Kelly is slowly going mad from the influx of data.

“It’s just too much for him. He yelled at me last season for watching five minutes of Sportscenter after the mandated lights out period. How the hell did he know I was staying up past curfew? At least I don’t have to hear him yelling at me again because I didn’t finish my protein slurry shake,” Mathis said. “Too much power in just one man’s hands can lead anyone into insanity, I suppose.”

Mathis then sharpened his knife and prepared to dig out the digital playbook device that had been surgically installed in his brain stem.