Philadelphia, PA – Mere hours after being released, Pro-Bowl guard Evan Mathis wasted no time in moving on from the organization, using a razor sharp bowie knife to dig out the mandatory Eagles tracking implant from the base of his rear skull.
“Oh god…so much blood,” Mathis reportedly muttered to himself, before he crushed the device under the heel of his boot.
The devices are implanted in every Eagles athlete and monitors there whereabouts, health, sexual activity, diet, private conversations and inner most thoughts.
All members of the organization are required to wear the monitoring devices as per the mandate of Chip Kelly, who pours over the data until the wee hours in the morning. Several representatives within the organization are reporting Kelly is slowly going mad from the influx of data.
“It’s just too much for him. He yelled at me last season for watching five minutes of Sportscenter after the mandated lights out period. How the hell did he know I was staying up past curfew? At least I don’t have to hear him yelling at me again because I didn’t finish my protein slurry shake,” Mathis said. “Too much power in just one man’s hands can lead anyone into insanity, I suppose.”
Mathis then sharpened his knife and prepared to dig out the digital playbook device that had been surgically installed in his brain stem.