Lesean McCoy

Finally some good news for Chip Kelly!
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What, me worry? (photo credit: USA Today)

Wow, when God closes a door he certainly opens a window. After another disheartening season for Chip Kelly, the 49ers head coach deserved to hear some good news about his vaunted system and coaching ability.

Well, good news Chip, over the past two years you lead all NFL coaches in dismissals from their jobs! Congratulations! That’s quite an accomplishment for any head coach and only you, and you alone, can say you’ve reached this pinnacle of success.

Two years and two firings….that’s one more than even Gus Bradley or Jim Caldwell can brag about.

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BREAKING: Champagne argument touched off Lesean McCoy fight at Recess
LeSean McCoy

McCoy reportedly enjoys a Louis Roederer to a G.H. Mumm.

Philadelphia, PA – Reports flooding into the Coggin this morning are pointing to an argument over purchased champagne between McCoy and two off-duty officers at the nightclub Recess in South Philadelphia that started a massive brawl between the two groups, which may see charges pressed against the Buffalo Bills running back.

According to eyewitness reports, McCoy and the officers argued over the purchased champagne at the nightclub when the former Eagles running back mocked the officers for their choice of “brutish” champagne glasses they selected to enjoy their Dom Perignon.

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Win/Loss post game scenarios for LeSean McCoy

usa-today-8808454-0Win

Shady BURSTS into the locker room, skipping and hollering into the visitor’s locker room at Lincoln Financial Field, screaming obscenities in the direction of the Eagles locker room.

“FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH, that’s what you  mother fuckers get when you let Shady go in the offseason, fuck this city, fuck this team, McCoy mother fucker! I am the god damn man!” he screams, slamming his helmet down onto the ground.

McCoy, so enthused at the win, starts to play air guitar to a song only he can hear.

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LeSean McCoy will not shake Kelly’s hand, but has not ruled out sucking his earlobe

mccoyBuffalo, NY – Speaking to Buffalo media after practice Wednesday, LeSean McCoy doubled down on his Chip Kelly criticism and said there was no way he would shake the former coach’s hand when the Bills play the Eagles on Sunday in Philadelphia.

He did not, however, rule out sucking and nibbling on Kelly’s earlobe a bit before the game.

“Man, Chip can’t shake shit. There’s no way I shake his hand,” McCoy said. “But am I going to say I won’t slide up behind him, wrap my arms around his chest, and suck a little bit on that fat, low hanging earlobe? I’m not saying that at all.”

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Chip Kelly’s new house egged mercilessly for his choice of Halloween treats

chipHaddonfield, NJ – Less than two weeks after closing on his new home in Haddonfield, Chip Kelly is already facing sharp criticism in his Camden County Community after a number of children decided to egg his home on Halloween evening.

Word on the street in Haddonfield is that children were less than thrilled with what Kelly handed out in lieu of candy for Halloween.

“He’s what, a millionaire and he decides to hand out pennies and spinach smoothies? Come on, the only reason I went to his house was because I thought he’d at least have king size candy bars or something,” said Timothy Greene, 12, of Haddonfield, who was not surprised at the outcome. “My dad says he’s stealing millions of dollars from the team, so couldn’t he have at least used that for some candy? He got what he deserved.”

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Lesean McCoy blames ‘racist’ hamstring for injury

lesean-mccoy-buffalo-billsBuffalo, NY – Despite reports claiming Buffalo Bills running back Lesean McCoy will not miss week 1 of the regular season, the star running back didn’t hesitate to speak with reporters about his hamstring injury.

“I don’t have to explain myself to nobody, but I’m just saying my hamstring had a huge hand in my injury,” McCoy said. “You only see my hamstring hurting me, a black man, and no white players, am I right? I don’t know how else to put it, but it’s definitely got a problem with me.”

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Lesean McCoy: ‘Travis Long tore his ACL because Chip Kelly is a racist’

lesean-mccoy-buffalo-billsBuffalo, NY – Lesean McCoy just couldn’t help himself in the first week of Buffalo Bills training camp, as the former Eagles running back opened up yet again about his perception of Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

“I’m not saying anything, nah, I’m not saying anything at all,” McCoy said after the conclusion of yesterday’s practice. “But do you see any of the white linebackers tearing their ACLs down in Philadelphia?”

When asked what he meant by his comments, McCoy said he “didn’t have to explain myself to nobody. Nobody.”

The stunned media didn’t follow up with anymore questions, but that didn’t stop McCoy from continuing.

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In which we try to get invited to Lesean McCoy’s apparent sex party

mccoyLesean McCoy made headlines yesterday when an invitation for his around the clock sex party hit the internet. The former Eagles running back clearly made it known he would only approve women over the age of 21 to the party and no males.

We decided to see if we could get an exclusive invitation to his female only sex romp and created a fictional “woman” who would try to gain access. Thus, SallyBoneZone69 was born.

McCoy obviously runs a tight sex party ship, so after we sent an initial RSVP request we received an automated form asking “Sally” to send over a picture to confirm her gender. We replied with a picture, and immediately received a request for a G-Chat session from the screen name “LMcCoy25BB,” which was obviously McCoy. We accepted, and the following is our conversation with McCoy.

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Chip Kelly asks Riley Cooper to please stop defending him
Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly decried any and all defenses of him by Riley Cooper in the past and near future, after the casually racist wide receiver spoke highly of him in an interview with the Delco Times.

“It’s definitely difficult and upsetting for sure,” Cooper said to Bob Grotz. “I know (Kelly is) not like that.”

Kelly visibly shuddered upon hearing the quote. Kelly has been defending himself against claims of racism by former Eagles running back Lesean McCoy.

“Riley is just trying to help, I know, but please, for the love of god, do not say nice things about me in public anymore. My goodness you are not helping at all,” Kelly said.

“Good god, Riley, just shut your mouth, please.”

Kelly doubled down on his comments and said Cooper was the last person in the world who should be coming to his defense.

“It’s like the KKK coming to the defense of Mark Fuhrman. It’s just not going to help anything,” Kelly said. “You’re not helping anyone, Riley.”

As of press time, Kelly was seen frantically running towards the Eagles media tent as several national media cameras were huddling around Cooper.

Riley Cooper heartbroken he went unmentioned in Lesean McCoy interview

Ov_p1P6d_400x400Philadelphia, PA – A dejected Riley Cooper was almost inconsolable today at the NovaCare Complex, several sources are reporting.

When confronted on his down mood, Cooper said he was upset Lesean McCoy did not mention him alongside Chip Kelly during his recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

“What’s a guy have to do to get a mention? Go to another Kenny Chesney concert?” he said, as he re-read the interview again before beginning his workout. “It’s just insulting. You work hard, you know, to gain a reputation on a team and then someone just goes and doesn’t even acknowledge all that you do.”

McCoy of course ranted to an ESPN the Magazine reporter about his perceived notion that head coach Chip Kelly had an affinity to run the best black athletes out of the city. While he didn’t outright say Kelly was a racist, many reading the interview did not have to go too far to make the assumption.

Cooper, a teammate of McCoy’s for the past five seasons, just shook his head as he walked into the weight room.

“I guess all you can do is just continue to work hard and really carve a niche out for yourself. I won’t let this happen again,” he said.

“You’d better believe the next time someone on this team has something to say about race on a national stage, Riley Cooper’s name will be the first out of his mouth.”

As of press time, Cooper was showing his most popular YouTube video to several recently drafted rookies.