Riley Cooper

Riley Cooper implies Howie Roseman is a racist

102813-howie-roseman-600After the Philadelphia Eagles made a bevy of moves on Monday afternoon, recently released wide receiver Riley Cooper made some unsubtle comments about Howie Roseman and the players he chose to get rid of this offseason.

“You see how fast he got rid of all the good players. Especially all the good white players. He got rid of them the fastest. That’s the truth. There’s a reason. … It’s hard to explain with him. But there’s a reason he got rid of all the white players — the good ones — like that,” Cooper said from his offseason Florida home.

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Chip Kelly asks Riley Cooper to please stop defending him

Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly decried any and all defenses of him by Riley Cooper in the past and near future, after the casually racist wide receiver spoke highly of him in an interview with the Delco Times.

“It’s definitely difficult and upsetting for sure,” Cooper said to Bob Grotz. “I know (Kelly is) not like that.”

Kelly visibly shuddered upon hearing the quote. Kelly has been defending himself against claims of racism by former Eagles running back Lesean McCoy.

“Riley is just trying to help, I know, but please, for the love of god, do not say nice things about me in public anymore. My goodness you are not helping at all,” Kelly said.

“Good god, Riley, just shut your mouth, please.”

Kelly doubled down on his comments and said Cooper was the last person in the world who should be coming to his defense.

“It’s like the KKK coming to the defense of Mark Fuhrman. It’s just not going to help anything,” Kelly said. “You’re not helping anyone, Riley.”

As of press time, Kelly was seen frantically running towards the Eagles media tent as several national media cameras were huddling around Cooper.

Riley Cooper heartbroken he went unmentioned in Lesean McCoy interview

Ov_p1P6d_400x400Philadelphia, PA – A dejected Riley Cooper was almost inconsolable today at the NovaCare Complex, several sources are reporting.

When confronted on his down mood, Cooper said he was upset Lesean McCoy did not mention him alongside Chip Kelly during his recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

“What’s a guy have to do to get a mention? Go to another Kenny Chesney concert?” he said, as he re-read the interview again before beginning his workout. “It’s just insulting. You work hard, you know, to gain a reputation on a team and then someone just goes and doesn’t even acknowledge all that you do.”

McCoy of course ranted to an ESPN the Magazine reporter about his perceived notion that head coach Chip Kelly had an affinity to run the best black athletes out of the city. While he didn’t outright say Kelly was a racist, many reading the interview did not have to go too far to make the assumption.

Cooper, a teammate of McCoy’s for the past five seasons, just shook his head as he walked into the weight room.

“I guess all you can do is just continue to work hard and really carve a niche out for yourself. I won’t let this happen again,” he said.

“You’d better believe the next time someone on this team has something to say about race on a national stage, Riley Cooper’s name will be the first out of his mouth.”

As of press time, Cooper was showing his most popular YouTube video to several recently drafted rookies.

Eagles unsure of how Riley Cooper was elected team representative to NAACP

Ov_p1P6d_400x400Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles were stunned to learn Thursday evening that Riley Cooper was somehow elected to be the team’s representative to the local NAACP Philadelphia chapter.

Just hours after an NFL licensed calendar was released with Cooper representing the month of February, the local chapter leaders of the NAACP demanded the team’s representative attend the next meeting to discuss the insensitivity of the publication. After rifling through several papers, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie was shocked to learn Cooper had been given the designation just this past December.

“I have no idea how it happened. I guess we needed someone and he just kind of got thrown in there. God, that is going to be so awkward,” he told a group of reporters.

As the team’s liaison to the civil rights organization, Cooper is expected to attend the next several meetings and discuss the indignity of being the player on the February page of the calendar.

“We probably should have thought better and maybe elected someone else…but we can’t do too much about it now. Fuck me, we are so screwed. I’m already having our media relations employees draft up several iterations of an apology letter I’m sure we’ll have to be releasing to the public soon.”

As of press time, Cooper was seen purchasing large quantities of FUBU clothing to, as the wide receiver put it, “just fit in at the meeting.”