Buffalo Bills

Vontae Davis perfects the Irish exit

Vontae Davis told the Bills he was just stepping out for some air, before the screeching of his car tires echoed through the locker room as the former pro-bowl cornerback weighed his options and decided fleeing the premises was the best course for his professional career.

In easily the best highlight of the young NFL season, the Buffalo Bills are so soul crushingly awful that former pro-bowl cornerback Davis told the team he was retiring at halftime. The Bills are so terrible Davis couldn’t even bother to pretend to care about the game anymore, he couldn’t bother to pretend to even be hurt and hang out on the sidelines for the rest of the game before announcing his retirement later on this week.

The very thought of strapping his pads on again and squeezing his head into that Bills helmet made him so sick to his stomach that he just said fuck it, I’m leaving.

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BREAKING: Champagne argument touched off Lesean McCoy fight at Recess

LeSean McCoy

McCoy reportedly enjoys a Louis Roederer to a G.H. Mumm.

Philadelphia, PA – Reports flooding into the Coggin this morning are pointing to an argument over purchased champagne between McCoy and two off-duty officers at the nightclub Recess in South Philadelphia that started a massive brawl between the two groups, which may see charges pressed against the Buffalo Bills running back.

According to eyewitness reports, McCoy and the officers argued over the purchased champagne at the nightclub when the former Eagles running back mocked the officers for their choice of “brutish” champagne glasses they selected to enjoy their Dom Perignon.

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Win/Loss post game scenarios for LeSean McCoy

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Shady BURSTS into the locker room, skipping and hollering into the visitor’s locker room at Lincoln Financial Field, screaming obscenities in the direction of the Eagles locker room.

“FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH, that’s what you ┬ámother fuckers get when you let Shady go in the offseason, fuck this city, fuck this team, McCoy mother fucker! I am the god damn man!” he screams, slamming his helmet down onto the ground.

McCoy, so enthused at the win, starts to play air guitar to a song only he can hear.

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LeSean McCoy will not shake Kelly’s hand, but has not ruled out sucking his earlobe

mccoyBuffalo, NY – Speaking to Buffalo media after practice Wednesday, LeSean McCoy doubled down on his Chip Kelly criticism and said there was no way he would shake the former coach’s hand when the Bills play the Eagles on Sunday in Philadelphia.

He did not, however, rule out sucking and nibbling on Kelly’s earlobe a bit before the game.

“Man, Chip can’t shake shit. There’s no way I shake his hand,” McCoy said. “But am I going to say I won’t slide up behind him, wrap my arms around his chest, and suck a little bit on that fat, low hanging earlobe? I’m not saying that at all.”

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Lesean McCoy blames ‘racist’ hamstring for injury

lesean-mccoy-buffalo-billsBuffalo, NY – Despite reports claiming Buffalo Bills running back Lesean McCoy will not miss week 1 of the regular season, the star running back didn’t hesitate to speak with reporters about his hamstring injury.

“I don’t have to explain myself to nobody, but I’m just saying my hamstring had a huge hand in my injury,” McCoy said. “You only see my hamstring hurting me, a black man, and no white players, am I right? I don’t know how else to put it, but it’s definitely got a problem with me.”

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Lesean McCoy: ‘Travis Long tore his ACL because Chip Kelly is a racist’

lesean-mccoy-buffalo-billsBuffalo, NY – Lesean McCoy just couldn’t help himself in the first week of Buffalo Bills training camp, as the former Eagles running back opened up yet again about his perception of Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

“I’m not saying anything, nah, I’m not saying anything at all,” McCoy said after the conclusion of yesterday’s practice. “But do you see any of the white linebackers tearing their ACLs down in Philadelphia?”

When asked what he meant by his comments, McCoy said he “didn’t have to explain myself to nobody. Nobody.”

The stunned media didn’t follow up with anymore questions, but that didn’t stop McCoy from continuing.

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In which we try to get invited to Lesean McCoy’s apparent sex party

mccoyLesean McCoy made headlines yesterday when an invitation for his around the clock sex party hit the internet. The former Eagles running back clearly made it known he would only approve women over the age of 21 to the party and no males.

We decided to see if we could get an exclusive invitation to his female only sex romp and created a fictional “woman” who would try to gain access. Thus, SallyBoneZone69 was born.

McCoy obviously runs a tight sex party ship, so after we sent an initial RSVP request we received an automated form asking “Sally” to send over a picture to confirm her gender. We replied with a picture, and immediately received a request for a G-Chat session from the screen name “LMcCoy25BB,” which was obviously McCoy. We accepted, and the following is our conversation with McCoy.

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