Vontae Davis perfects the Irish exit

Vontae Davis told the Bills he was just stepping out for some air, before the screeching of his car tires echoed through the locker room as the former pro-bowl cornerback weighed his options and decided fleeing the premises was the best course for his professional career.

In easily the best highlight of the young NFL season, the Buffalo Bills are so soul crushingly awful that former pro-bowl cornerback Davis told the team he was retiring at halftime. The Bills are so terrible Davis couldn’t even bother to pretend to care about the game anymore, he couldn’t bother to pretend to even be hurt and hang out on the sidelines for the rest of the game before announcing his retirement later on this week.

The very thought of strapping his pads on again and squeezing his head into that Bills helmet made him so sick to his stomach that he just said fuck it, I’m leaving.


Confused Lesean McCoy “thrilled” to be leaving Philadelphia for warmer climate of Buffalo

Wintry WeatherPhiladelphia PA – Reports coming out of Lesean McCoy’s camp have the young running back feeling a little bit better today about the trade to Buffalo, as Philadelphia is being pounded by yet another stretch of poor weather this winter.

However, when asked for a comment, McCoy reportedly said he was “thrilled to be leaving Philadelphia on a day like today when it means I’ll be playing in the temperate confines of Buffalo.”

McCoy was reportedly eagerly packing hawaiian styled shirts, shorts, and flip flops into a bag as he readied himself for his flight out of Philadelphia.

“It was a little depressed about going to Buffalo, but man, how can you not be happy to leave the city on a horrible day like today? I’ve heard Buffalo is is beautiful this time of year, warm all year round, it will be a great place to live.”

A source close to McCoy said the young running back has been eagerly googling his new hometown, but a check of his recent internet history shows that he had been wrongly searching out “Bermuda” instead of “Buffalo.”

“Gorgeous women, gorgeous beaches, gorgeous climate…how did I get so lucky?” He said, as friends debated whether or not to tell him he was mistaken.

It was ultimately determined to let him “ride out the good feelings” until his inevitable depression when he stepped off the airplane into the real Buffalo New York.