Please calm down, I know I’m a living embodiment of the City of Philadelphia, but I felt it was extremely necessary to make my voice heard following the comments of one semi-above average reliever from San Francisco. Not exactly sure WHY Jeremy Affeldt decided to open his dumb hipster mouth and insult myself and the denizens that take up residence within my hallowed boundaries.

Boooooooooo hoooooooooooooo, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I’m Jeremy Affeldt and I don’t like it when people yell things at me! Can’t fans just let me pitch in peace when I’m on the mound, because my rabbit ears pick up every mean thing that the residents of Philadelphia say to me and I’m going to let them fester away inside of me for years until they come vomiting out of my mouth in a poorly attended retirement ceremony I held for myself.

Retirement ceremonies should be reserved for athletes whom people know. I struggle to believe anyone outside of San Francisco remembers who you actually are.

You would rather play in front of thousands of stoned hippies not paying attention to the game instead of a fan base that LOVES its athletes.

Guess what Jeremy? You were journeyman reliever that nobody will remember even existed come December, despite your insistence to compare yourself to Mariano Riviera in your retirement speech. .

I know Mariano Riviera, and you sir, are no Mariano Riviera.

Yes you will fade away into Bolivia, as Mike Tyson once said.

Also, Cliff lee came to Philadelphia for less money because he loved playing here so much. He’s one of the greatest pitchers of the last 10 years. You’re a reliever whose fan base semi-tolerated because you had some success in the post season.

So, Jeremy, please don’t show up within my city limits. Ever. If I ever see you crossing over from Jersey on the Ben Franklin or the Walt Whitman, I’m sorry to say I may feel a bridge collapse coming that day and there’s nothing at all I can do about it.

You suck, Philadelphia is awesome.

Love,

The City of Philadelphia