Marcus Hayes, famed columnist, sweating enthusiast for the Philadelphia Daily News and Coggin Toboggan Super Fan #1 contacted us over the weekend and said he wanted to run his latest column by us and our readers before he release it to the public. We’re fans of local journalism, so of COURSE we told him we would and let our readers be the judge.

Marcus wrote the column over this past weekend and shared his thoughts on the newly arrived Dario Saric, who left Turkey just days before the country crumbled into a massive military coup to unseat the president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

His latest column is a bit of a departure from his usual level-headed style, but perhaps just see for yourself after the jump?

Dario Saric knew of military coup before the president of Turkey and my walls are melting

By Marcus Hayes – Dario Saric, perhaps the centerpiece of Hinkiites and Trust-the-Process fanatics in this town, finally took the plunge and traveled to America to sign with the 76ers.

Hinkie fans are lauding this as a massive win for the process, but none of the Hinkiites have really thought about THE WHY of his decision.

Why did Dario decide to come over now? Doesn’t anyone think it’s a big strange that he came over just days before Turkey plunged into turmoil? Any why is my apartment so very, very hot?

D0n’t you think Dario’s people had their ears to the ground and knew of the massive military coup that popped up over the weekend? I could easily see him knowing BEFORE the President of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, and being able to flee before technically anyone else did to avoid being trapped in the crumbling country?

Also, I really wish I didn’t paint all of my windows closed this past week. Can’t open any of them and I’m not going to go outside, the sun hurts my fair skin. No…no I believe I’ll stay in my apartment. Besides, where else would I have been tipped off to this Dario news?

Larry, my houseplant, has all the best insider information. He’s been talking to me all day about basketball and the benefits of an egalitarian political system over our skewed Capitalistic regime. He keeps telling me I should do something about it…maybe one day I will, Larry, but today is not that day.

It’s.

Just.

Too.

Hot.

The lemons have been barking all day long and the walls are just beginning to melt.

The apartment seems structurally stable (unlike the Turkish government) so I think I’ll just sit here for a while and think things through.

The iron is begging me to leave. Hissing and sputtering, jibbering and jabbering. Jibber jabber jibber jabber jibber jabber jibber jabber jibber jabber jibber jabber all day in my ear. Enough.

You don’t tell me what to do, iron. I’m no quitter. Not like Sam Hinkie and his vaunted “Process.” I see things through.

You think I’ll quit eating this sofa cushion I just dug into because I can’t choke down all the zippers without gagging?

No. I won’t quit.

I’ll just boil the padding down into a soft mush that I can enjoy later on at my leisure.

You see? DO YOU SEE LARRY? I’ve waited out the heat. The thermostat says it’s 110 in my apartment, but I actually feel a bit chilly. I’m shivering….my BONES are shivering. Yes, I believe I’ll put the heat on.

99 degrees is the highest setting? Well than 99 degrees it shall be. Perhaps the heat will melt the iron and I won’t have to listen to it’s insufferable JIBBERING AND JABBERING much longer.

Much better.

Much…much better.

better

mcuh

jeha ieap humid piad too hot. jsut too vry hot.

Editor’s note: WOW! What a column! A very bold choice by Marcus to stop the column there. I wanted so much more, but I suppose that’s the mark of a great writer. Always leave them wanting more. Great stuff Marcus!

Editor’s note 2: Marcus was found in his bathtub Monday morning eating some sort of cushion mush by a local fire company after a neighbor complained of loud ramblings coming from his apartment. He’s resting comfortably at Jefferson Hospital.