Sam Bradford downgraded to ‘doubtful’ for wedding

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Oh good lord, what have I done?

Aspen, Colo. – Having gone through an entire last week of wedding preparations under the “probable” tag, Eagles quarterback and about to be newlywed Sam Bradford has been downgraded to “doubtful” this morning, according to his best man.

Sam, who last said he was very confident about his upcoming performance at today’s wedding to fiance Emma Lavy, reportedly had a debilitating panic attack this morning in front of his groomsmen and best man.

“He was pacing, breathing heavily, kept asking us if we thought this was a big mistake…he did not look good so we had to downgrade him to ‘doubtful’ for this wedding. We don’t want to give Emma any undo hope that he’ll be showing up at the altar to devote himself to her for the rest of his life,” a spokesman for Bradford’s groomsmen said this morning.

Bradford reportedly started feeling butterflies at last night’s rehearsal dinner. Eagles teammate Jason Kelce, who was in attendance at the dinner, said Bradford started to flop-sweat and stammered repeatedly through a short speech he gave to the assembled guests.

“When you saw the point where he realized he would be with Emma for the rest of his life, he just turned ghostly white and swallowed very, very hard. He kept pulling at the collar of his button down shirt…it wasn’t very tight,” Kelce said.

“Something was bothering him, you could tell, and at one point in the dinner when everyone was mingling and having a good time, Sam was just sitting by himself in the corner of the dining room, staring at the ceiling and muttering to himself. It was sad.”

At press time, an obviously nervous groomsman was comically trying to keep Emma from finding out that Bradford had fled the premises from an open window in his hotel room.

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