We like to truly delve into the philosophical questions of our age at the Coggin Toboggan. What do sports mean to you? What do we get out of them on a metaphysical level? Which Philadelphia announcer would be able to hold onto the WWE’s 24/7 Championship Belt longest if push came to shove?
If you’re not one of the cool, well-adjusted kids like I am and don’t watch WWE programming on the regular, let me explain the 24/7 Championship Belt to you. It’s a championship that is defended 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and serves mainly as a comedic set piece for the professional wrestling juggernaut.
The belt has already been held by a 78-year-old former wrestler (Pat Patterson), a pregnant woman (Maria Kanelis), and earlier this week by Fox Sports Analyst Rob Stone, who became the first non-WWE employee to hold the belt after pinning champion R-Truth.
He held the championship for less than 20 seconds. Could any of our sports media members in Philadelphia hold onto the belt longer? Who would be the best 24/7 Champion to represent our city? Let’s take a look at some of the sports media members in this city to determine who would fare best.
Tom McCarthy – Phillies play-by-play man and lover of dad jokes Tom McCarthy would, well, he would not fare well. His knees look shot, he’s far too nice to survive in the cutthroat world of sports entertainment, and he’s too easily distracted by schmaltzy stories about Pete Rose and his legendary hustle. He stands no shot.
Championship Win: Finds the belt at a pregame Phillies buffet and just keeps that sucker.
Length of Championship: About two minutes.
Ben Davis – “Well see, you have your maple bats, and your ash bats, you see. One gives you more whip, the maple one does, and I was talking to Andrew Knapp about this the other day and he uses a SUGAR maple bat, which has a lot of good action to it but can splinter easily…there’s a grand slam to put the Phillies back up 18 to 17….but as I was saying the maple bats, well, they’re you’re money bats.”
Championship Win: Asks Tom if he can see the belt and just doesn’t give it back. Tom laughs uproariously and goes back to his scorebook.
Length of Championship: An hour.
Eliot-Shorr Parks – Underestimated since day one, ESP holds the factor of surprise firmly in his pleated pants pockets. Parks looks sickly, frail, and wispy, so when he does anything other than politely cough blood into an embroidered handkerchief like a Dickens character with consumption it’s a surprise to any potential opponent.
Championship Win: Convinces Davis he’s ready to publish a piece about his connections to the Latin Kings. Blackmails him into giving him the belt.
Length of Championship: Six hours.
Ike Reese – WIP co-host to Jon Marks and former Eagles linebacker, you know Ike can stir up shit (see Monday Night Football, 2005, Eagles/Falcons). Has an obviously high tolerance for pain since he has to listen to WIP callers for four hours each day.
Championship Win: Chokes out ESP with the Cobra Clutch after seeing yet another preseason article ranking the third string linebackers on the WIP website.
Length of Championship: One day.
Les Bowen – Okay, interesting. Les isn’t exactly a spring chicken anymore and would be defending his title against younger bucks, but he’s wise and he’s spry. Dad strength is off the charts. Plus, you know he can throw a punch (Jeff McClane will never be the same after that one…just a shell of his former self). I like his odds.
Championship Win: Pins Ben Davis at the Taproom in Westmont during Buck-A-Shuck oyster day after jamming a shell shard into Ike Reese’s eye socket.
Length of Championship: Two days.
Paul Jolovitz – “I don’t think you understand. I didn’t come to rescue Jolovitz from you. I came here to rescue you from him. You don’t seem to want to accept the fact that you’re dealing with an expert in guerrilla warfare, with a man who’s the best! With guns, with knives, with his bare hands! A man who’s been trained to ignore pain! To ignore weather! To live off the land! To eat things that would make a billy goat puke! In Vietnam his job was to dispose of enemy personnel… to kill, period! Win by attrition… well Jolovitz was THE BEST!”
Championship Win: A hand covers Bowen’s mouth during a quiet moment in his backyard and the blade of a knife eases up to his throat, convinces Bowen to drop the belt. When Bowen turns to see his attacker there’s nothing there but the gentle summer breeze across his khaki shorts.
Only the haunting chords of “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus can be heard deep in the distance as Jolovitz is never seen again.
Length of Championship: He’s gone and he’s never coming back.
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