This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.
This year, the Rumble is in our very own backyard, kicking off this Sunday at the Wells Fargo Center in front of 40,000 drunken, rowdy Philadelphians who yearn for the days of obese men putting each other threw tables at the old ECW arena.
What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and well-known contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!
Last year, everyone’s favorite Process Trusting nerd Sam Hinkie bribed his way back into the Rumble after eliminating himself before the event started. He teamed up with Joel Embiid to murder everyone in the ring, before betraying his star pupil to claim the vaunted Coggin Toboggan Championship belt for himself.
It was such a success that we’re hosting it again this year and opening it up to ANYONE AND EVERYONE with even a cursory relationship in Philadelphia. Are you a nobody athlete that had a cup of tea with the 87ers last season? God damnit, you’re eligible to make something of yourself. Do you stand a chance against a field of 30 hungry, grizzled veterans looking to raise their name to the rafters of the Coggin Toboggan offices? You sure don’t, but we’ll all have a good laugh at your expense as you bleed out on the ring floor.
Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.
WHAT?! The Palestra?! The first of many shockers for the 2018 Rumble, the event has gotten TOO classy and TOO huge to be held in the dingy bowels of the ECW Arena. We’re moving up in the world and holding what could probably be Philadelphia’s most EMBARRASSING event in its CLASSIEST venue. The only way Penn University would allow us to hold the Rumble in these hallowed halls was the promise of an endowment of $10 million in our name donated to the college for a new wing to its Center of Science. We’ll be passing a hat around at the end of the Rumble for loose change, so please be generous. And lets remember that this is an Ivy League institution, people, so if you find yourself having unprotected sex with some gutter hag in the restroom, try and keep the noise and bodily fluids to a bare minimum. We’re not animals.
The Coggin Toboggan Championship belt! My god, WHAT A PRESENCE! As you can see we’ve made a few upgrades and replaced the solid-gold WWE plates with David Coggin baseball cards. They’re just as valuable, believe us. By the way, how David Coggin’s lawyer has yet to contact us with a cease and desist letter for every stupid thing we put his name on is the UPSET OF THE CENTURY. We’re already the champions for not being sued.
1) Sam Hinkie (Entrance Theme: White and Nerdy)
Sam Hinkie! The winner of last year’s Rumble drew the #1 spot and made no friends in the city after betraying Joel Embiid to take the crown. The hero of analytics losers everywhere, Hinkie has since exiled himself to the deepest, darkest jungles of Silicon Valley. Nobody has seen him since the event and the rumor mill is running wild. Has he been training with a blind master of some forgotten, archaic form of martial arts? Has he forged a new, devastating weapon in the bowels of some hellish metallurgy lab? Or has he just been taking his kids to school in the suburbs? WHO KNOWS?
Trademark Maneuver: Not being as cool as people want him to be.
2) Jahlil Okafor (Entrance Theme: Plant Man by Gary Young)
Jahlil Okafor! Brooklyn’s newest favorite hipster douchebag who still somehow can’t get off the bench for the Nets is back in Philadelphia and looking for revenge. Currently living in a studio apartment in Crown Heights that he pays $6,000 a month in rent, Okafor wants to prove to Philadelphia that it was a mistake to trade him from the 76ers. Immediately annoyed friends and family upon his return to the city when he couldn’t stop comparing everything to New York. Oh, you’re telling us that bagels taste better from New York City because of the WATER?! Go fuck yourself.
Trademark Maneuver: Poor help defense and that IDIOTIC move where he palms the ball and holds it out from his body for so long it completely stagnates the offense. GOD DAMNIT, OKAFOR, LOOK UP AND PASS THE MOTHER FUCKING BALL.
3) Larry Andersen: (Entrance theme: Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett)
Larry Andersen! One half of the Phillies radio announce team, Larry Andersen decided to scale back his announcing duties to just home games for the upcoming season. Is it a coincidence that he made this decision the same year he announced his entrance into the Coggin Toboggan Royal Rumble? Yes, most definitely. Has already gotten into a fistfight with Mike Missanelli after he gave the latter a hotfoot at the contestant contract signing last week. Competitors were slow to break up the fight, as they were too entertained by the sound thrashing Andersen gave Missanelli.
Trademark Maneuver: Telling inappropriate jokes about Mike Lieberthal’s sexuality to drunks at Philadelphia bars.
4) Howard Eskin (Entrance Theme: Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon)
Howard Eskin! The self-proclaimed King of Bling is making his second appearance in the Coggin Toboggan Royal Rumble. A crafty veteran nearing the end of his career, Eskin is surprisingly a fan-favorite anti-hero of Philadelphia, entertaining the masses with his trademark snark and asinine questions. Now seen by fans as more of a lovable, kooky grandfather than a cantankerous step-dad who makes inappropriate jokes about plowing out your mom when she leaves the room, Eskin is looking to make one last mark on the city in his dwindling twilight.
Trademark Maneuver: Heart punches aided with gaudy, over-sized man rings.
5) Cole Beasley (Entrance song: 80 Stings)
Cole Beasley! No! The diminutive Dallas Cowboys wide receiver turned terrible white athlete rapper and Howard Eskin have traded barbs on social media all year. Did Eskin really think he would be able to duck Beasley for the rest of his life? It was always his destiny to face this short-statured upstart in the ring. Beasley is riding a personal high with the debut of his rap single “80 Stings,” which critics rave is “just, just awful.”
Trademark Maneuver: Throwing his hands up in frustration after yet another Dak Prescott out-route thrown 35 feet over his head.
6) Paul Jolovitz (Entrance Theme: Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus)
Paul Jolovitz! The ONLY competitor who has participated in all three Coggin Toboggan Royal Rumbles. As always, I have to be real honest with this one, he’s only in it again because I laugh every time I see his Twitter avatar (above) and the idea of him coming out to the Rumble to Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus tickles me pink. Give em’ hell, Jolly! May we all one day have the opportunity to hold our chin in our hand and laugh at this crazy thing we call life!
Trademark maneuver: Moonsault off the 4:30 a.m. WIP time slot.
7) Maikel Franco (Entrance Theme: Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy)
Maikel Franco! Everyone’s favorite pock marked, disappointment of a third baseman! You’d better believe we’re assigning him a chaperone. You can miss out on Dominican League Baseball games, Maikel, but GOD DAMN YOU if you no show the Coggin Toboggan Royal Rumble. We will RUIN YOU.
Trademark Maneuver: Haymaker discus punches that miss their mark by five-feet.
8) Tina Fey (Entrance Theme: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Sixers)
Tina Fey! Upper Darby’s favorite daughter, Tina Fey is leaving comedy behind for a chance at pugilistic immortality. The first female competitor in this year’s rumble is looking to make her mark among the female greats that have come before her, like Leslie Gudel, Dei Lynam….Cecily Tynan….and….hmmm….well we really don’t have a lot of women in this do we? THAT CHANGES THIS YEAR! (it really won’t, actually, I’m sorry ladies)
Trademark maneuver: Quirky glasses, chop block to the back of the knees.
9) Bill Cosby (entrance theme: The Cosby Show theme)
God damnit, it’s Bill Cosby. Who told him about this event? WHO TOLD HIM? The milky eyed embarrassment of an entire city will look to do….something in the rumble. Honestly, if the idea of him blindly wandering around a ring and getting his throat chopped doesn’t fill you with just a tiny bit of joy, I don’t know what will.
Trademark Maneuver: A bippin’ and a boppin.
10) Patti LaBelle (Entrance Theme: New Attitude by herself
Patti LaBelle! The Godmother of Soul and The Coggin Toboggan have been trying to find a good collaboration for years now, so this was the perfect opportunity. The legendary soul singer and sweet potato pie baker is strapping on her high heels, putting on her longest acrylic nails, and is looking to kick some ass. No word on if the Bluebells will be in her corner.
Trademark Maneuver: Belting it out to the back row and repeating headbutts.
11) Reuben Frank (entrance theme: I don’t feel like dancin’ by Scissor Sisters)
Reuben Frank! Roob! Everyone’s favorite Eagles beat writer and Don Vito look-a-like! Destroyer of press box buffet spreads far and wide. We can only hope the NBC Sports Philadelphia resident hipster doesn’t have a Xiu Xiu concert to attend on the night of the rumble, or he’s definitely going to no show us.
Trademark Maneuver: Making 23-year-olds WILDLY uncomfortable when he shows up alone to a Man Man concert at the Troc.
12) Markelle Fultz (entrance theme: Bicycle Race by Queen (get it?))
Markelle Fultz! Everyone’s favorite 76ers rookie/BMX enthusiast! Fultz has decided to take time out of his busy schedule of missing free throws at practice and giving everyone in the city a heart attack when they see his new shooting motion. Seems a bit irresponsible of the 76ers medical team to clear him for a no-holds bar, all out brawl when he hasn’t played a game for the Sixers in nearly three months, but hey, they’re the professionals and they’re always open and honest with the health of franchise players.
Trademark maneuver: Spin move into three more missed months of games.
13) Ben Simmons (Entrance theme: Land Down Under by Men at Work)
Ben Simmons! Well g’day mate, let’s attempt less than one jump shot a game and still be an impact player! Ben Simmons brings an uncanny ability to get to the basket, find the open man on any possession, and an intricate knowledge of crocodiles and their greatest fears to the rumble. Rumor has it he once threw a boomerang so far it didn’t come back.
Trademark maneuver: Debunking the rumor that the toilet flows in the opposite direction in Australia.
14) Kyle Lowry (entrance theme: V for Villanova)
Kyle Lowry! Villanova’s favorite son is BACK and he’s got a bone to pick with Ben Simmons. Did Ben Simmons really duck him and not meet him in the locker room of the Wells Fargo Center? Did the two just do it for the cameras and immediately forget about the game the second it ended? My guess is they both just went home and played PS4, BUT THERE’S NO LOVE LOST BETWEEN THESE TWO.
Trademark Maneuver: A sidewalk slam and pretending to enjoy living in Canada.
15) Anthony Gargano (entrance theme: Tarantella Napoletana)
Anthony Gargano! Mama Mia! Have we really not had Anthony Gargano, the lover of incredible meats, in a Coggin Toboggan Royal Rumble until now? What a travesty! This big goofy meatball sweats pure olive and craps entire cloves of garlic while pleasuring himself to all-22 film of Carson Wentz. Can’t remember his kid’s name half the time but could quote you every line of the Godfather ad nauseam. Is a big fan of meat lockers and interviewing washed up has-been Philadelphia athletes in and around them.
Trademark Maneuver: Hiding a tube of braciole in his tights to use as an illegal object.
16) Ron Cook (entrance theme: Crying by Roy Orbison)
Ron Cook! Everyone’s favorite cry-baby Pittsburgh sports journalist! Last seen crying about the Eagles getting into the Super Bowl and their fans celebrating a well-earned victory. I’m not kidding….just look at this tweet:
Really, Ron? You were crying? Have some pride in yourself, that’s humiliating. Only allowed entrance into the Rumble because he called Coggin Toboggan officials night and day begging to be allowed in and wouldn’t stop baby sobbing into the phone.
Trademark Maneuver: Growing patchy beards and sobbing during Steelers documentaries.
17) Dave Hakstol (entrance theme: Grease is the Word by Frankie Valli)
Dave Hakstol! Everyone’s favorite, wacky NHL coach who just can’t seem to keep a stable lineup out there on a nightly basis, except for a handful of washed up, ineffective veterans he’s hitched his cart too. There’s no room on this roster for talented young defensemen like Travis Sanheim or Samuel Morin. Oh my no…Hakstol needs more ice time for young up and comers like Brandon Manning and Andrew MacDonald! Great stuff Dave, I’m sure the NHL’s most patient fanbase will give you as much time as you need to get it together.
Trademark maneuver: Perfectly coiffed hair and jerking young talent around.
18) Kevin Bacon (Entrance theme: Footloose)
Kevin Bacon! Wait…is he from Philadelphia? I think he is, isn’t he? ::looks him up on Wikipedia:: He is from Philadelphia! Hell yes. Do you guys remember Tremors? When he jumped out of the way of the Graboid and it fell through the cliff and exploded on the rocks below? Damnit….Tremors was awesome ::sets DVR to record the next showing of Tremors::
Trademark maneuver: Bringing the love of dance to overly religious, Midwest towns.
19) Angelo Cataldi (Entrance Theme: Creep by Radiohead)
Angelo Cataldi! Everyone’s favorite senior citizen sports talk radio host. His second appearance in the Coggin Toboggan Royal Rumble is sure to delight his mouth-breathing audience that SOMEHOW still keeps him relevant in Philadelphia, despite the highlight of his entire year being a chicken wing eating competition. Do Philadelphians really need that much of an excuse to drink beer on a weekday at 6 a.m.? It’s called alcoholism, people, and you don’t need to watch obese men down chicken wings to do it.
Trademark maneuver: Clothesline from Hell into the lowest common denominator.
20) Jerryd Bayless (Entrance theme: Brick House by The Commodores)
Jerryd Bayless! Or as he’s better known in Philadelphia, BOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Brought into the organization by Bryan (with a Y) Colangelo to be a veteran presence, or something. Has proven to be adept at galvanizing a fanbase into sharing a severe hatred of Jerry Bayless. For that, we thank you.
Trademark maneuver: Terrible shot selection and turnovers upon turnovers.
21) Gabe Kapler (Entrance theme: Hello Ladies)
Gabe Kapler! The newest head coach of the Philadelphia Phillies! Wait…hold on a second, someone is knocking at the door of the Coggin Toboggan office.
::answers the door to see Gabe Kapler in a police officers uniform::
Me: “Is everything ok, officer?”
Gabe: “We’ve got a few noise complaints actually…..THAT YOU’RE NOT MAKING ENOUGH OF IT!”
::Loverboy’s “Working for the Weekend” starts to blare behind him, everyone in the Coggin Toboggan office swoons as Kapler rips off his shirt::
Trademark Maneuver: Pretending to stain his shirt so he can take it off during press conferences.
22) Mike Mamula (Entrance theme: Loser by Beck)
Mike Mamula! Philadelphia’s favorite paper champion! Mamula reportedly looked great in pre-rumble training sessions and he’s skyrocketed up the odds boards as the spot on favorite to have a huge impact in the event. Some are even calling him a can’t miss prospect! You can’t go wrong if you select this stud in your Coggin Rumble pool!
Trademark Maneuver: Putting up huge bench press numbers and a devastating heart punch.
23) Bruiser Flint (Entrance theme: Fight on Drexel)
Bruiser Flint! Last seen coaching a horrendous Drexel University squad that may or may not have depended on Mario the Dragon playing 15 minutes a night at the power forward position. Disappeared after the Dragons lost to William and Mary in the first round of the CAA tournament for the 800th season in a row.
Trademark Maneuver: Yelling. So much yelling.
24) Former Mayor Michael Nutter (Entrance theme: Streets of Philadelphia by Bruce Springsteen)
Former Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter! Ever since leaving office, Mayor Nutter has kept to the shadows of Philadelphia’s seediest underbelly, relying on his wits and street smarts to survive and flourish among the dregs of society. Little is known about this new, horrifying visage of Nutter, but from what most understand he has gone quite mad.
Trademark Maneuver: Frog splash from the Rocky Statue.
25) ???? (Entrance theme: Fly Eagles Fly)
Who is this mysterious masked man decked out in a dog mask? He signed up last week and drew the lucky, final 25th spot in the rumble. He hasn’t said a word to anyone the entire time he’s been in the locker room….who could he be?
Trademark Maneuver: ????
26) Tommy Dreamer (Entrance theme: Man in the Box by Alice in Chains)
Wait, what?! Tommy Dreamer?! This isn’t fair! He’s a professional wrestler…an ECW original and an originator of mayhem. This can’t check out…let’s see….wrestled in Philadelphia for years, check. Beloved in Philadelphia, check. An affinity for cheesesteaks, yes. Damnit. He’s in. May god have mercy on the other competitor’s souls.
Trademark Maneuver: DDT…and being adorably chubby (I’m sorry, Tommy)
• Sam Hinkie is the first to leave the locker room, making his way down the screaming throngs of fans. Before the bell rings, the Coggin Toboggan CEO and President arrives on the ramp and makes a declaration.
“You made a mockery of this event last year, Sam, by eliminating yourself first and bribing your way back into the event under a mask. No more. The man or woman eliminated first in this year’s event will be banned from the city…..FOREVER. I hold in my hand a contract signed by Mayor Jim Kenney, iron clad, making it so. You can trust that process, Sam. Linnehan out!” He declares, issuing a crotch chop to the stunned former 76ers GM. Before he can protest the decision, Gary Young’s “Plant Man” blares through the Palestra and Jahlil Okafor saunters out of the back room, a sack of potatoes draped across his shoulders.
• The bell rings and Hinkie begs off, getting on his knees in front of the 7-foot behemoth, as the crowd urges him smash the cowardly, pasty Hinkie over the head with the sack of potatoes. Hinkie prays to Okafor, begging for mercy….before delivering a vicious low blow to the giant, doubling him over in pain. Taking advantage, he grabs the sack for himself and slams it over Okafor’s head, scattering the spuds across the ring.
• Are you wasting away in Margarittaville? Because Larry Anderson is back baby. He’s tan, and like the true veteran he is, he takes his sweet time making his way to the ring as Hinkie cinches in a Boston Crab to Okafor. After stepping through the ropes, Hinkie turns his attention to the fan favorite announcer, who throws out his hands and sends a white cloud of salt into the former GMs eyes. No amount of tanking or advanced analytics can save a man from salt to the eyes, and Anderson and Okafor take advantage and deliver a vicious double power bomb to Hinkie. The crowd in a frenzy, Hinkie staggers to his feet and Okafor and Anderson double clothesline him out of the ring for the first elimination of the event.
Beside himself, Hinkie slams his fists into the ring apron as the drunken crowd serenades him with chants of “Hey Hey Hey, good byeeeeeee” as he is surrounded by Coggin Toboggan security and dragged, kicking and screaming from the Palestra to a waiting police car in front of the arena to be driven out of city limits and never heard from again.
• The first chords of Werewolves of London echo through the Palestra, and the thousands in attendance join in with the late Warren Zevon and howl along with the chorus as Howard Eskin makes his way to the ring. The spry sports radio talk show host springboards off the top rope, delivering a heavy missile dropkick to Okafor, who stagger backwards for a few steps and, in a moment of extreme irony, slips on one of the wayward spuds and sends himself over the top rope for the event’s second elimination. Done in by a vegetable, his greatest ally.
• Eskin is forced to break a sleep hold on Anderson as Cole Beasley’s HORRENDOUS song “80 Stings” is met with a chorus of boos. The diminutive Cowboys receiver is showered with litter and plastic beer bottles, as he eggs on the crowd, his arms stretched out fullly to his sides, inviting more and more abuse. Eskin and Beasley meet nose-to-nose in the center of the ring, the crowd noise rising to a near fever pitch, as the two trade a flurry of right hands. Eskin is staggered and bounces against the rope, walking directly into a clothesline from hell the knocks the senior citizen out of his shoes. Instead of eliminating the host, Beasley climbs to the top turnbuckle, putting a hand to his ear as he launches himself in the air for a leg drop. Eskin rolls out of the way moments before Beasley comes crashing down to the ring. Taking advantage, Eskin hoists the hated Cowboy into the air with one massive hand and launches him out of the ring. Taking advantage of the distraction, Anderson runs behind Eskin and flips the host up and over the top rope, standing tall in the ring.
• Cause I’m just a Teenage Dirtbag, Baby! Yeah I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby! Listen to Iron Maiden baby with me, Ooooooooooooohhhhhh! It’s Paul Jolovitz! The crowd favorite sprints to the ring and is immediately stomped upon by Anderson, who puts his cowboys boots directly into the back of Jolovitz’s skull. Jolovitz staggers to his feet and Anderson winds up, playing to the crowd, mocking the seemingly out on his feet Jolovitz…..who blocks the punch and returns a right of his own! OH MY GOD, HIS FIRST OFFENSIVE MANEUVER IN THREE YEARS WORTH OF RUMBLES! THE PALESTRA WALLS ARE SHAKING AS JOLOVITZ TEARS OPEN HIS SHIRT AND HULKS UP, SHAKING OFF EVERY PUNCH ANDERSON CAN THROW AT HIM! HE REVERSES AN IRISH WHIP, SENDING ANDERSON CAREENING INTO THE ROPES, AND DELIVERS A THUNDEROUS BIG BOOT TO HIS FACE, PROPELLING THE ANNOUNCER UP AND OVER THE ROPES FOR HIS FIRST EVER ELIMINATION. OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!
• Overwhelmed by the moment, Jolovitz falls out through the second and third ropes and remains motionless on the outside. The referees don’t signal an elimination as the drained WIP host did not go over the top rope, and they inform Maikel Franco, the next competitor in the ring, to wait for Jolovitz to get back in or for the countdown to the next athlete.
• 10, 9, 8, 76ers blares through the PA system and Tina Fey, the pride of Upper Darby, walks down the aisle with a cooler in hand. Franco looks on, puzzled, and before he can make a move Fey open the cooler and picks out a snowball, whipping it at bewildered young Phillie. The snowball explodes on the side of his head and Franco staggers backward out of the ring for another elimination. Fey smiles and breaks open another of the snowballs in her cooler….and reveals a 16 Volt battery encased in the wintry projectile. A crafty, veteran Philadelphia move if there ever was one!
• Boos rain down from the rafters as Bill Cosby stumbles his way down the ramp, a white cane used to find his way. The crowd screams for blood as the stain on Philadelphia’s soul makes his way through the ropes. Fey, in a moment of mercy, contemplates simply shoving him out of the ring, but decides better of it and winds up with a snowball and throws a laser beam at his head….WHICH COSBY DUCKS. BAH GAWD, HE DUCKED IT. IT’S LIKE HE COULD SEE THIS ENTIRE TIME. Seizing the moment, Cosby superkicks Fey into the turnbuckles and slowllllyyyyyy turns around to the crowd, taking out the contact lenses that have given his eyes a cloudy, cataract appearance for the last two years. It was a screw job! He taps his finger to his head, smiling wryly, having pulled a fast one on the entire city.
• As Cosby stomps a mudhole in Fey, the first chords of Patti LaBelle’s classic “New Attitude” ring throughout the arena, and the energized senior citizen singer sprints to the ring to help her sister in arms. Spinning Cosby around, LaBelle’s delivers several stinging left hand jabs, wobbling Cosby. Fey retrieves a garbage can from outside of the ring and slams it over Cosby’s head, and then places it over his upper torso, trapping him inside. LaBelle and Fey both wield chairs and take turns slamming them into the garbage can…until both wind up and strike him at the same time, dumping Cosby onto the floor. Fey and LaBelle raise each others hands as “Sisters are Doing it for Themselves” plays throughout the arena.
• Reuben Frank, and minutes later Markelle Fultz, interrupt the girl party power. Fultz attempts to lift LaBelle up for a powerslam, but can’t raise the singer up over his head…almost as if his scapular muscles are imbalanced. While clutching his shoulder, Frank belts him in the face with a Guided by Voices first-print vinyl LP, sending the rookie over the ropes for another elimination. Looking at the shattered pieces of the LP and realizing it was an ultra-rare printing, Frank clutches the album artwork to his bosomy chest and sobs against the turnbuckle.
• Business is picking up, as Ben Simmons trots down the entrance ramp and enters the ring, but is distracted as a cloaked figure in the crowd gets on the ring and throws blue and white salt into his eyes, blinding the talented rookie. Kyle Lowry sprints from the back and high fives the figure, who reveals himself to be Jay Wright. Lowry DDTs Simmons in the ring and looks to his former coach for guidance, who straightens his Gucci tie, runs his hands through his perfectly styled hair, and gives Lowry the thumbs down signal. Lowry hip tosses the still blinded Simmons from the ring, and then delivers a vicious Diamond Cutter to Frank, as he was never a fan of indie music, and pushes the dazed sports writer over the top rope.
• Fey and LaBelle team up again and deliver a double-team suplex to Lowry, as heavy-weight Anthony Gargano slowly makes his way to the ring. The hoss takes his sweet time, breaking at several intervals to breathe heavily….but a replay of the Simmons elimination playing on the Palestra jumbotron catches his attention. As the behemoth watches his beloved Simmons dumped out of the ring by Lowry, his once blank and dulled face breaks into an expression of pure rage. Rumbling to the ring, Gargano picks up all three remaining competitors and dumps them over the top rope. Spotting Wright trying to escape through the crowd, the lummox steps over the top rope, eliminating himself, as he chases Wright into the back of the arena.
• Pittsburgh’s biggest crybaby Ron Cook makes his way into the ring, his lower lip quivering, as tears stream down his jowly face. He’s quickly followed by Dave Hakstol, Kevin Bacon, Angelo Cataldi and Jerryd Bayless. God, we’re really into the lower rung of competitors here. Bacon quickly looks at the losers he’s in the ring with and makes a calculated career decision, eliminating himself and then calling his agent to fire him for booking in this trainwreck. The three Philadelphians triple team Cook, who whines about Philadelphia being the worst and most unfair city in the country, and gets a triple team powerbomb out of the ring for his troubles, completely demolishing the Mexican announcer table at ringside. Hakstol and Cataldi hold out their fist for a three way bump with Bayless, who misses the bump by three feet.
• Every lady in attendance screams as Gabe Kapler steps out of the back in just a towel, strutting down to the rings, his washboard abs glistening with fresh baby oil. Hakstol, Cataldi and Bayless are practically hypnotized by the fabulous specimen of man who enters the rings, unfurls his towel, and chucks it into Cataldi’s face. Kapler puts Cataldi into a headlock and bulldogs him across the ring, and then hoists the portly morning show host over his head in a tremendous display of strength, gorilla pressing him up and COMPLETELY THROWING HIM INTO THE CROWD. Cataldi’s sheer mass crushes several of the front row attendees’ spines like paper mache. Thank christ they signed waivers.
• As Kapler easily tosses Bayless out of the ring and intimidates Hakstol into eliminating himself, Mike Mamula IMPRESSIVELY strolls out from the back. God he looks so impressive, doesn’t he? He’s a can’t miss and the spot on odds favorite winner of the Rumble. He hops onto the ring apron, standing toe to toe with Kapler, the two behemoths staring each other down as the anticipation rises for this true clash of titans. Mamula rears back to throw the first punch, slips on a puddle of sweat on the ring, and completely snaps his femur into three pieces. My god. I don’t think I will ever get his haunting, piercing screams out of my memory. He truly disappointed the city once again and the crowd gave him a hearty round of boos as he attempted to give a thumbs up as he was wheeled out of the arena in a stretcher.
• Bruiser Flint comes out of the back in a full Drexel basketball kit and hesitates as Kapler flexes mid-ring. He waits the full two minutes between competitors, and only makes his way to the ring as several mental asylum attendants wheel the mentally imbalanced former Mayor Street to the ring. The attendants warily unstrap Street’s strait jacket and dump in the ring. Flint attempts to communicate with the clearly insane Street, begging to team up with him to take down Kapler. Street seems to understand and extends his hand for a truce, which Flint accepts, but the former mayor pulls in the coach and clamps his teeth down onto his nose, biting furiously down on cartilage and bone, sending blood spewing into the crowd. Flint screams in agony as Street tackles him out of the ring, eliminating both, as the mental asylum attendants struggle to contain Street in a giant net.
• Fly Eagles Fly belts over the speakers as a puzzled crowd watches a man in an Eagles jersey make his way to the ring, his face hidden underneath an official Eagles underdog mask. He hesitates to enter the ring as Kapler flexes….but he pulls a baseball bat out from underneath his jersey and ducks a Kapler clothesline, sending the musclehead bouncing off the ropes as he slams the bat into his chiseled midsection. He boots the doubled over Kapler in the stomach and gives him a Skull Crushing Finale with the bat wrapped around his neck…and then tosses Kapler out for the tremendous upset victory.
• Tommy Dreamer exits the back and makes his way down the aisle, as chants of ECW ECW ECW echo through the arena. He wields his own kendo stick and snaps the masked man’s bat in two…and delivers a vicious DDT to the stranger, staggering him greatly. Hearing the chants from the crowd, he grips the mask in his hand, rips it off the stranger’s head….and staggers back in shock.
OH MY GOD, IT’S MIKE TROUT. MIKE TROUT IS HERE, HE’S IN PHILADELPHIA, WEARING EAGLES GREEN AS THE CROWD EXPLODES.
Taking advantage of the distraction, Trout pokes Dreamer in the eye with his thumb, dazing the professional wrestling veteran. He tosses Dreamer against the ropes and delivers a big boot….and then delivers a leg drop across the burly wrestler’s neck. Trout motions to the crowd and tosses Dreamer over the ropes for the victory!
• Trout waits for the referee to hand him the belt, but the refs all stay at ringside….as he argues for his prize, the still eligible Paul Jolovitz crawls out from under the ring….MY GOD, HE WAS NEVER ELIMINATED, HE’S STILL ELIGIBLE. HE CRAWLS INTO THE RING AS THE CROWD GOES INTO A FERVOR AND SPINS TROUT AROUND AND DELIVERS A SERIES OF LEFTS AND RIGHTS, DAZING THE SOUTH JERSEY LEGEND….HE COULD DO IT, MY GOD HE COULD DO IT, HE COULD CAPTURE THE BELT FOR THE GREATEST UPSET IN COGGIN TOBOGGAN ROYAL RUMBLE HISTORY.
Jolovitz bounces off the ropes and sprints for the knockout, clothesline blow……BUT THE STILL BRAWLING WRIGHT AND GARGANO SPILL INTO THE RING, COMING OUT OF THE CROWD, KNOCKING JOLOVITZ TO THE GROUND, SAVING TROUT.
Seizing the moment, Trout knees Gargano in the head, and throws him and Wright into Jolovitz, knocking the underdog over the rope for the championship victory.
The Coggin Toboggan CEO comes out and delivers the belt to Trout, and informs him that due to his championship, he is now contractually required to void his contract with the Angels and sign with the Philadelphia Phillies. It’s tough, but fair.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR 2018 COGGIN TOBOGGAN ALL-PHILADELPHIA ROYAL RUMBLE CHAMPION!