I get it, Minnesotans, I really do. You want to come to City of Brotherly love this weekend, take in some culture, maybe see what all the fuss is about with these cheesesteaks, and you want to cheer on your Vikings in a polite, but slightly rowdy, manner.
It SOUNDS like a great weekend, but what will you do when you’re face to face with one of nature’s most relentless killing machines, an Eagles fan with a bone to pick?
Sure, they may seem cute and harmless when they’re doing their little E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chant all afternoon, but when they’re bearing down on you with the broken shards of an Old Crow whiskey bottle, do you know what to do to increase your odds of survival?
Throwing cheese curds or whatever garbage it is you people eat up in Minnesota won’t help you.
Remember, Eagles fans can smell fear. If you reek of it (which you likely will), you stand little chance. The first step in survival is knowing what to do to increase your odds of getting out of their with your life.
How to survive an Eagles fan attack:
1. Carry Eagles fan pepper spray. Experts recommend that outside fans in Eagles country carry with them Eagles fan pepper spray. UDAP pepper spray is a highly concentrated capsaicin spray that creates a large cloud. This stuff will usually stop a Eagles fan in his tracks, unless he’s been huffing glue at a tailgate for hours before the game.
2. Don’t run. When you run, the Eagles fan thinks you’re prey and will continue chasing you, so stand your ground. And don’t think you can outrun an Eagles fan, they are fast. They can reach speeds of 5 mph for sustained times of up to 10 seconds.
3. Drop to the ground in the fetal position and cover the back of your neck with your hands. If you don’t have pepper spray or the Eagles fan continues to charge even after the spray, this is your next best defense. Hit the ground immediately and curl into the fetal position.
4. Play dead. Eagles fans will stop attacking when they feel there’s no longer a threat. If they think you’re dead, they won’t think you’re threatening. Once the fan is done tossing you around and leaves, continue to play dead. Eagles fans are known for waiting around to see if their victim will get back up. If you do, you’re going to get your wallet taken off you as well and solo cup of warm dip spit poured down your back.
Coggin Toboggan disclaimer: These are not fool-proof steps towards surviving an Eagles fan attack. These fans are wild, dignified, powerful creatures and you are trespassing on their territory. You are a guest in their home. Philadelphia is NOT Minnesota. Please don’t think you can talk your way out of a situation by being polite or using “reason.” This will not work. I am one of them, so I know.
And let’s be honest with each other. They’re the best fanbase in the country…they won’t REALLY attack you, but damnit, it won’t be all that fun of a time for you if you go to the game. Do you really want to be screamed at for three hours? You’re not going to “take over the stadium,” you will be hopelessly outnumbered. Resistance is futile.
You know what? Just don’t come at all. For the love of god, you people are already putting out disclaimers in your local news warning people about coming to Philadelphia. You’re a weak, weak fan base. We can make jokes all we want about Philadelphia fans, but they at least have some pride and would NEVER put out this nonsense on their nightly news:
The myth of the violent Eagles fan is GREATLY overblown, but you guys really are soft. You have no chance of surviving this city, please don’t come. We don’t need any more bad press.
YOU’RE WEAK AND PHILADELPHIA WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. GO EAGLES.