2017 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

2258_-_logo_royal_rumble_wwe-jpegThis Sunday the WWE is hosting the best pay-per-view it puts on every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts. For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

Last year, we decided to hold our own back lot ALL-PHILADELPHIA Royal Rumble, which resulted in some shocking moments, about 45 concussions and three pending lawsuits against this blog.

It was an all out slobber knocker, but when the methamphetamine dust finally settled in the ring, the Philadelphia Phanatic had punched his ticket and won the inaugural event.

It was such a success that we’re hosting it again this year and opening it up to EVERYONE in Philadelphia. Last year we limited the event to just media, bloggers and coaches in the city of brotherly love, but this year it’s going to be unchained and unfettered.

Dangerous? You bet! A waste of everyone’s time? Of course!

But to hell with it, let’s do it all again for 2017. We’ve identified 25 competitors, written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2017 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble.

(If you want to get caught up on the action from last year, you can read the story here.)

The Venue

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Yet again the event couldn’t be held anywhere else other than the original ECW Arena at 2300 S. Swanson Street in South Philly. Last year’s event featured 35 arrests for public intoxication, 12 for public urination, 9 for the sale of illicit drugs and 43 unwanted pregnancies, a new arena record. Lets keep it clean out there this year, folks, and maybe keep the stabbings down to a minimum this Rumble, we’re not animals.

The Belt

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The Coggin Toboggan World Championship belt! MY GOODNESS, IT’S BEAUTIFUL!  PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE WWF PLATES ON THE SIDE. Who shall be throwing fists to procure this beauty?

THE ENTRANTS

1) Sam Hinkie (Entrance Theme: White and Nerdy)

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Could it have been anyone else? He’s cool, he’s white, he’s the savior of Philadelphia, it’s Sam Hinkie! He’ll have a target on his back the size of Joel Embiid’s shoes with all the hate he receives in this city from blowhard, old school journalists, but his love of analytics should give him an inside track to the rest of the competition’s weaknesses.

Trademark Maneuver: Diving headbutt off the shoulders of Jahlil Okafor.

2) Ron Hextall (Entrance theme: Sweet Child O’ Mine performed by Slash…get it?)

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Oh sweet Jesus, this Royal Rumble just got a whole lot more surly and a whole lot more drunk…it’s Ron Hextall! The former Flyers-great and now Flyers GM is looking to make a name for himself in the squared circle. His patented goalie stick has been BANNED from the ring by the Coggin Toboggan commissioner, so what new tricks will old Ron have up his sleeve?

Trademark Maneuver: Empty bottle of Jack Daniels smash over the head followed up by a slash to the hamstrings.

3) Bryan (with a Y) Colangelo (Entrance Theme: Stock Ticker)

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Every Rumble needs its villain, and looks like we got our first…it’s Bryan (with a Y) Colangelo! Arch nemesis of Sam Hinkie after Colangelo’s father weaseled his way into the 76ers organization and made them hire his dunderheaded son. Will likely spend the entirety of the Rumble thinking of ways to mortgage the competition’s bright future with a lopsided trade.

Trademark Maneuver: Drafting Andrea Bargnani with the number one overall pick in the NBA, disappointing his father.

4) Howie Roseman (Entrance Theme: Hotel California by The Eagles)

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Howie Roseman! My god, what a pasty nerd! Thankfully the Rumble is being held indoors this year or he would burst into flames after being after being exposed to the sun. Will likely be disappointed when he can’t trade Eric Rowe to the Patriots for a better spot in next year’s rumble.

Trademark Maneuver: Slide rule to the back of the kneecaps.

5) Cecily Tynan (Entrance Theme: It’s Raining Men by the Weather Girls)

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Cecily Tynan! The forecast for this Rumble calls for a touch of class, with a 65% chance of sexiness on the horizon. Don’t let this beauty fool you, she’s a ruthless competitor who will stop at nothing to win. Once snapped Jim Gardner’s femur like a twig when she felt he wasn’t giving his all during a three-legged race at the 6-ABC annual company picnic.

Trademark Maneuver: Tornado DDT.

6) and 7) Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff (Entrance Theme: Nightmare on My Street by Will Smith)

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(Left: Will Smith)

Will “The Fresh Prince” Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff! The first tag-team of the evening, the famed Philadelphia duo arrive on the scene in the wake of their new hit TV show “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air,” a regular fish out of water sitcom in which, get this, the street smart Smith moves from the hood of Philadelphia to live with his hoity toity auntie and uncle in Bel Air! COMEDY GOLD!

Trademark Maneuver: A Philadelphia Cream Cheese Sandwich mushed in the face, followed by a Super Kick-plex.

8) and 9) Bill Matz and Steph Driver (Entrance Theme: A Report to the Shareholders/Kill Your Masters by Run the Jewels)

Bill Matz (@billadelphia1) and Steph Driver (@stephaliciousD)! Literally the ONLY TWO on Twitter who requested to appear in the 2017 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. We had a number of suggestions from people about who should be in it, but these two actually requested to throw down. The co-hosts of Yelling About Sports on WildFire Radio, I know literally NOTHING about them except for a few interactions on Twitter. May god have mercy on your souls.

Trademark Maneuver: The Doomsday Device.

10) Bobby Hoying (Entrance Theme: Your Cheatin’ Heart by Hank Williams Sr.)

Bobby Hoying

YEEEEEEEE HA! Kick up your boots and drops those wet panties, ladies, Bobby Hoying is back in town! Last seen fleeing the premises after welching on a bet during the 2016 Wing Bowl, Hoying is back in the city limits and keeping one eye out for Johnny Law and another eye out for the ladies with daddy issues. Heard a big shipment of fine Colombian yeyo was making it’s way into the Delaware Valley and was looking to make one final score before settling down and turning legit.

Trademark Maneuver: Acid Drop from the top turnbuckle.

 11) Chris Pronger (Blinded by the Light by Manfred Mann)

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Chris Pronger! Business is picking up now, baby! Last seen writhing around the ice after taking a stick to the eye at the Wells Fargo Center in 2011, Pronger contacted the Toboggan because he believed he had one last championship run in him. Still refuses to wear a visor during action, which may be to his detriment. He still has that old Pronger mean streak to him, however. A Toboggan intern asked him how he took his coffee, and Pronger plucked out that hapless unpaid college student’s eye with his bare hand and squished it in his fist for daring to speak to him before he had been spoken to. I don’t think anyone will ever forget the tortured screams of that young man for the rest of our lives. Great stuff!

Trademark Maneuver: Sharp stick to the ribs and a concussive elbow to the jaw when the referee isn’t looking.

12) Paul Jolovitz (Entrance Theme: Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus)

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Paul Jolovitz! The ONLY returning competitor from last year’s Rumble! Gonna be real honest with this one, he’s only in it again because I still laugh at his Twitter avatar (above) and the idea of him coming out to the Rumble to Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus tickles me pink. Give em’ hell, Jolly! I just want to say good luck, we’re all counting on you.

Trademark Maneuver: Repeating German Suplexes from the 4:30 a.m. show slot on WIP.

13) Kevin Negandhi (Entrance Theme: T for Temple U!)

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Kevin Negandhi! ESPN Sportscenter anchor, Temple University alum and all around Philly guy. Has sculpted an impressive physique from helping to move the bloated, living-dead corpse of Chris Berman off the set of NFL Countdown every Sunday night for the past 20 weeks of the football season. His allegiance to Temple University may prove to be his undoing, however, when he comes face to face with a later competitor….

Trademark Maneuver: Impeccable diction while he tunes up the band for a Super Kick.

14) John Chaney (Entrance Theme: Do That Stuff by Parliament Funkadelic)

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John Chaney! It was fate, Negandhi, that you be confronted on the field of battle by your greatest hero, the greatest coach in Philadelphia history, John Chaney. The imposing figure is well into his 80s, but still casts an intimidating shadow across the field of competitors. Just ask John Calipari, who still won’t step foot in Philadelphia after Chaney threatened to kill him at a press conference in 1994. Never reached a Final Four, so you know he’s still pissed and looking to cave in some skulls.

Trademark Maneuver: 5 a.m. practice before class.

15) The St. Joseph’s University Hawk (Surfin’ Bird by The Ramones)

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The Saint Joseph’s University Hawk! Flapping it’s stupid wings into the hearts of nobody. By far the best part of the Hawk is the sweet entrance music he gets to come into. By the way, is there a dumber tradition in college sports? Just let the stupid Hawk stop flapping his “wings” for two seconds. I want my mascots to be mischievous and capering, not nightmare inducing bird creatures that flop around on a basketball court for hours nonstop. But I’m sure the Hawk will have a sporting chance in the Rumble and won’t be eliminated immediately by John Chaney (spoiler alert).

Trademark Maneuver: Flapping…so, so much flapping.

16) M. Night Shyamalan (Skulls by the Misfits)

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M. Night Shyamalan! Famed Philadelphia director and 76ers superfan, Shyamalan can finally show his face back in the city after directing/writing two semi-decent movies after a long, long string of turds. What the fuck were you thinking with The Happening? Plants that kill people?! Give me a break.

Trademark Maneuver: HE’S BEEN DEAD THIS ENTIRE TIME

 17) Matt Klentak (Entrance Theme: High Hopes by Harry Kalas)

Matt Klentak

Matt Klentak! Every other Philadelphia GM dared to enter the rumble, so nerdlinger Klentak decided it was in his best interest to cast his lot and join the fray. Dozens of analytics experts declared he had no shot, but Klentak decided to go with his gut and throw some fists. Vegas currently has Klentak as the odds on favorite to be the first to curl up into a ball in the corner of the ring and burst into tears.

Trademark Maneuver: Ducking under the bottom ropes and hiding underneath the ring.

18) Rasheed Wallace (Entrance Theme: Baby I like it Raw by ODB)

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Rasheed Wallace! Simon Gratz alum and son of Philadelphia, the imbalanced Wallace is likely to get several technical fouls during the course of the Rumble for arguing with officials. Ball don’t lie, and neither does a steel chair caving in an opponent’s skull, am I right Sheed?

Trademark Maneuver: Being thrown out of close basketball games for staring.

19) Big Shot (Entrance Theme: I Wear my Sunglasses at Night by Corey Hart)

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Big Shot! Everyone’s favorite Philadelphia Phanatic ripoff that dominated the hardwood at the Spectrum until he was cast aside in 1996 in favorite of a rabbit that enjoys hip hop music or something. FUN FACT: He, Charles Barkley and Hersey Hawkins used to hit up titty bars after home games and do cocaine until the wee hours of the morning. Oh that Big Shot! Fun for the whole family!

Trademark Maneuver: Shiv to the ribs of mouthy strippers.

20) Dave Babych (Entrance Theme: Mustache Ride)

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Dave Babych! My god just look at that mustache, it’s glorious. The ex-Flyer actually sued the franchise for putting his health at risk, but he lost his case when the judge presiding over the hearing declared that a man with such an impressive, full, richly bodied piece of facial hair could not sue due to ill-health.

Trademark Maneuver: Mustache comb to the eye.

21) Bear Daniel (Entrance Theme: Who Let the Dogs Out? by the Baha Men)

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Bear Daniel! BARK BARK! Good Boy! This fearsome beast is the sweet dog of Eagles backup quarterback Chase Daniel. Probably had more of an impact on the season than Chase himself, Bear is a very good pupper.

Trademark Maneuver: Puppy eyes to lull you into a false sense of security, then a vicious bite to the jugular.

22) The Wife (Entrance Theme: Badlands by Bruce Springsteen)

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The Wife, aka Mrs. Coggin Toboggan! The wife of Coggin Toboggan CEO demanded to be included in the Rumble by threat of divorce. Did we give in? OF COURSE WE DID! But this isn’t a Title IX move, no sir. First chance we get she’s getting powerbombed through a table.

Trademark Maneuver: Enjoying her cat’s company more than her husband’s.

23) David Coggin (Entrance Theme: War Pigs by Black Sabbath)

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I’ve had it with this stupid fucking website dragging my name through the mud. I played for the Phillies for three seasons and nobody remembers me outside of this hacky website that is read by no one. I have kids….they don’t need to read this garbage. If I win, I’m shutting this stupid website down once and for all. It’s all getting deleted and I can’t wait to dance on its grave. YOU’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

24) The Editor (Entrance Theme: Eat It by Weird Al)

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I didn’t want to take a spot in the Rumble, but I always knew this day would come, Coggin. I sensed your presence and couldn’t outrun my destiny. There can be only one. YOU THINK I’M GOING TO LET YOU RUIN THIS FOR ME? THIS FAILED BLOG IS MY BABY. THINK AGAIN, I GOT A LOT OF JUICE LEFT, I GOT TOO MUCH IN THE TANK!

Trademark Maneuver: Not living up to expectations and disappointing everyone.

25) Joel “The Process” Embiid accompanied to the ring by Dario “The Homie” Saric (Entrance Theme: The Game by Motorhead)

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Woah woah woah, hold on a second. I thought we all agreed that no current athletes would be able to compete in the All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble?

We did, but are you going to tell Jo-Jo he can’t compete?

….No…are you?

….Nope.

Well then, it’s settled. Joel, you’re in you marvelous son of a bitch!

Trademark Maneuver: Big boot into a jackknife powerbomb.

Match Highlights

• Sam Hinkie is the first entrant to walk down the ramp and enter the squared circle, steely eyed and determined, a 76ers towel tucked into the waist of his basketball shorts. Ron Hextall is greeted by the crowd next, wielding a sharpened, orange goalie stick on his shoulder as he points at Hinkie, slashing his throat with the weapon. Prior to the bell, Hinkie motions to ring announcer Les Bowen for a microphone.

“Let me just say, Ron. Today is your lucky day. I’ve studied the field, I’ve looked long and hard at myself in the mirror and how I trained…and this is not my year,” Hinkie said. The bell rings, signifying the start of the match, and Hinkie feigns like he’s about to lock up with Hextall…and instead steps over the top rope and jumps to the floor, eliminating himself.

“You’ve got to Trust the Process. What do you do when you don’t have a chance at the championship? You tank, baby. I’m declaring myself ELIGIBLE for next year’s event, and as first out in the 2017 Rumble, I’m automatically guaranteed to be the LAST IN for next year’s rumble. Hinkie out, bitches!” He screams, dropping the microphone. Coggin Toboggan rule makers frantically flip through their Royal Rumble packets, realizing there is nothing in the rules that allow for tanking, and all shake their heads as they come to the realization that Hinkie just jobbed the system and put himself in a fantastic position to win next year’s rumble. hexy

• Hextall sits on the top-turnbuckle, looking at his imaginary watch as the clock ticks down to zero, sending Bryan Colangelo careening through the curtains. Several Toboggan interns have to point Colangelo in the correct direction of the ring, as his father Jerry Colangelo is once again disappointed by his spawn. When he steps into the ring, however, something in the blank faced stooge snaps and he lets out a fearsome scream, charging at Hextall and powerslamming him into one of the turnbuckles. Just seconds before he is flipped over the top rope, Hextall is able to slash Colangelo in the back of the leg with his hockey stick, sending the crazed man child to his knees before the goalie stick gets swept out of the ring.

• As Hextall struggles against the Colangelo onslaught, Howie Roseman sprints to the squared circle, clotheslining Colangelo from behind as all three come together and trade blows. All three stop for a moment as “It’s Raining Men” blares through the house PA system, sending a confident Cecily Tynan to the ring. Perhaps not checking their male privilege, all three turn their backs on the weather woman, which will prove to be a serious mistake.

• In a highlight that will be replayed for years to come, Tynan (in high heels, mind you) charges at all three of the wrestlers, clubbing them in the back of their heads with a mighty forearm. In a display of tremendous strength, Tynan stacks Hextall and Roseman across her shoulders, Attitude Adjusting both over the ropes for a SURPRISING double elimination. She turns her attention to Colangelo, who is begging for mercy…before he delivers a cheap shot jab to Tynan’s surgically reconstructed knee, hobbling her greatly.

• Out next are Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff, both sprinting to the ring and performing simultaneous suplexes on Tynan and Colangelo, beat boxing the entire time and complaining that parents just don’t understand to the delight of the Rumble crowd.

• As the beat down continues, Twitter darlings Bill Matz and Steph Driver of Yelling about Sports on Wildfire Radio saunter to the ring, soaking up the adulation from the frenzied crowd before sliding into the ring. Smith taps Jazzy Jeff on the shoulder, pointing to the second tag team in the Rumble, and all four square up to each other, staring, nose to nose before rearing back, trading blow after blow as the ECW arena goes insane.

• The twangy voice of Hank Williams Sr. fills the arena and a loud YEEEEEEE HAAAAAA comes from behind the curtain, and Bobby Hoying explodes out to the ramp, sprinting down to ringside. Jazzy Jeff and Smith turn around to a cloud of cocaine blown directly into their faces by Hoying, blinding both of them, as Matz and Driver take advantage and double dropkick the aged rappers over the top rope for two more eliminations.

• Matz and Driver stomp away on Colangelo in one corner of the ring, while Hoying drags Tynan to the top rope and delivers a vicious acid drop to the middle of the ring. Chris Pronger enters next and boots Hoying directly in the stomach, staving off an imminent elimination of a down and out Tynan.

• As the action unfurls in the ring, Teenage Dirtbag plays throughout the arena….but Paul Jolovitz does not walk out of the back. A camera quickly cuts to the back stage, and Coggin Toboggan CEO is standing over an unconscious Jolovitz, as he addresses an attacker just off camera.

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Who is this masked man?

“I’ve got no 12th entrant now because of you, you son of a bitch! Well guess what, you’re the 12th entrant, get out there you piece of garbage, you just bought yourself a ticket into this fight!” he screams.

A masked wrestler wearing a suit saunters out through the curtain, his mystery an identity to the crowd. The ladies in the audience swoon as he steps out of his three piece suit, leaving his mask on.  He climbs to the top turnbuckle and introduces himself to the competition with a devastating cross body suicide dive to the six other wrestlers, sending all of them crashing to the canvas. Matz and Driver stagger up, trying to clear the cobwebs, and the masked man double clothesline BOTH out of the ring at the same time, ending their Rumble.

• The drums pipe up and the pride of Temple University, Kevin Negandi, strolls out to the ring, taking his time like the seasoned veteran he is. He rolls under the ropes and superkicks the masked man from behind. He catches Colangelo with a boot to the stomach and rakes him in the back viciously, and then turns his attention to Pronger and DDTs him into the second turnbuckle. He relaxes in the corner of the ring as he watches Hoying really wrench in a sleeper on the fading Tynan, but his eyes bolt open in fear as a LIVE George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic welcome legendary Temple University basketball coach John Chaney to the fray.

• Chaney and Negandi meet in the center of the ring, with Negandi clearly torn between his love for Temple University, his love for John Chaney, and his desire to capture the Coggin Toboggan championship belt. Chaney makes the decision easier for him as he scoops Negandi up, UNBELIEVABLE RAW POWER FOR AN 85 YEAR OLD MAN, and drops his back onto his outstretched knee for a vicious back breaker.

• Out next is the St. Joseph’s University Hawk, flapping its stupid wings all the way down to the ring. The mascot jumps into the ring and begins pecking Chaney and Negandi in the back, halting the beat down by Chaney as he helps Negandi to his feet to stare at the Hawk. The Hawk stares back, his majestic wings flapping up and down rhythmically, as Chaney and Negandi share a look and deliver simultaneous super kicks to the mascots face, sending him tumbling back over the top rope for another elimination. Both men hug, sharing a warm embrace, and double suplex Hoying directly out of the ring for another elimination. The incensed Hoying sets up a table at ringside and another on top of it, before being restrained by Coggin Toboggan officials as he tried to re-enter the fray and get revenge on the men who eliminated him. I wonder if those tables will come into play later on during the match…..

• A gong rings out and the lights go down in the arena…and when they come back M. Night Shyamalan is standing in the middle of the ring. He quickly pokes Pronger in his bad eye with his thumb and summarily dumps the NHL Hall of Famer out of the ring as he writhes in pain. He grabs both Neghandi and Chaney by their heads and delivers a double DDT to both, picking both up and chucking them over the top ropes for his third elimination. The masked man gets on his knees in front of Shyamalan and begs for mercy, and just prior to Shyamalan dropping an elbow on his skull the lights go out again…and when they come back on the corpse of M. Night Shyamalan is in a coffin at ringside and a coroner in attendance proclaims he has been dead for more than a week! WHAT A TWIST!

• Klentak is out next. As he walks past the coffin, Shyamalan’s hand reaches out and grasps the terrified GMs shirt collar and drags the poor man into the oak casket, slamming the lid shut. Officials struggle to open the lid of the shaking, rattling casket…and when they finally do manage to open the receptacle neither Shyamalan or Klentak are anywhere to be seen. WHAT A TWIST!

• Rasheed Wallace is out next to a huge cheer from the Simon Gratz support section in the crowd, joining Tynan, Colangelo, and the masked man. Like the true veteran he is, Wallace takes his sweet time to get into the ring, producing a sweat band from his back pocket and affixing it firmly around his head. After what seems like minutes, Wallace steps over the top rope just as Big Shot sprints from the back and delivers a vicious running bulldog to the unaware Wallace, knocking him out cold. Big Shot runs rampant through the competitors before finally slapping a bear hug on the stunned Colangelo…before he can toss the limp Colangelo out of the ring, A FURRY HAND FORCES ITS WAY UP OUT OF THE RING CANVAS, AND HIP HOP THE RABBIT EMERGES FROM A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, THROWING HAYMAKERS AT BIG SHOT BEFORE TACKLING THE AGED MASCOT AND SENDING THE DUO OVER THE TOP ROPE.

• The action is halted for a minute as Toboggan interns patch up and repair the ring, bringing in Dave Babych and Bear Daniel to the fray during the wait. The bell is again tolled and all six competitors stand in the middle of the ring, punching anything that moves. Babych, perhaps realizing Bear Daniel is a 10 pound Pomeranian dog, picks up the pupper and punts him out of the ring, sending him flying through the air to land safely in a popcorn vendors tray of delicious popcorn.

• The estrogen in the ring skyrockets as the second female competitor sprints from the back into the squared circle. Yes, the diminutive wife is anything but when it comes to the fight, raking at the eyes of Babych and grabbing him by his handlebar mustache and yanking him out of the ring for her first elimination. In a story as old as time, the two women in the ring, Tynan and the wife immediately take a disliking to each other and go at it in the center of the ring, headbutting each other viciously, sending both crashing down on their backs. Taking advantage of Wallace ogling the two heavily panting women, the masked man low blows the near 7-footer, sending him staggering to the ropes, where Colangelo finishes him off with a Stinger Splash, barely able to cling to the ropes as Wallace is eliminated.

• The arena is awash with boos as David Coggin emerges from the back, wearing a specialized jersey with the Coggin Toboggan logo crossed out, shouting angrily at the crowd to “go back to their shanties.” Before he can even reach the ring, CEO and President sprints from the back with a 10-foot ladder in hand, smashing the ungrateful former athlete in the head, sending him sprawling under the ropes to the middle of the ring. He sets up the ladder in the middle of the ring as the buzz increases throughout the arena, dragging Coggin up the rungs of the ladder until they’re both at the top. Coggin awakens and throws several desperate punches, trading blows with the originator of the unpopular Philadelphia sports blog. Sensing neither are paying attention, and completely turning her back on her marriage vows, she pushes the ladder over, sending both Coggin and the President crashing through the two wooden tables set up at ringside. The delirious crowd breaks out in a “HOLY SHIT” chant as the two competitors writhe in pain on the floor. The President raises his fist in triumph, as the blog is safe for another year, however, from the evil clutches of David Coggin.

• The final competitor emerges from behind the curtain to by FAR the loudest chant of the night. Joel Embiid, accompanied to the ring by Dario Saric, is serenaded with chants of “TRUST THE PROCESS” from the Philadelphia faithful, as the remaining competitors stop fighting and look in awe at the 7-footer. Embiid steps over the ropes, sending Tynan, the wife and Colangelo running towards him as the three valiantly try to beat the giant down, successfully getting him to his knees before Embiid sends Colangelo flying with a vicious big boot. He grabs the ladies by their throats, double choke-slamming each to the  mat, before picking their unconscious bodies up from the ring canvas and placing them delicately to the floor below, leaving only three remaining competitors.

• Embiid stalks the masked man, who holds out his hands, begging the giant to take mercy. He reaches behind his head and starts to untie the mask, teasing his unveiling, as he slowly takes off the mask to reveal….

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IT’S HINKIE, IT’S HINKIE! SAM HINKIE BY GOD IT’S THE MAN HIMSELF! A smile slowly spreads across Embiid’s face, as he and the man that drafted him bump fists and stand over the prone body of Colangelo. Hinkie makes a throat slashing gesture to Embiid, who puts Colangelo’s head in between his legs and hoists him up for a MASSIVE jackknife powerbomb. Hinkie motions for another, as Embiid takes the unconscious Colangelo up for another ride, powerbombing him clear out of the ring.

Hinkie and Embiid both stand by the ropes, yelling at Colangelo on the floor below them. Hinkie embraces Embiid and then raises the giant’s hand in the air in celebration of his assured victory in the Rumble, his master plan all along…

UNTIL HE RUSSIAN LEG SWEEPS THE SURPRISED EMBIID, DAZING THE GIANT. THE ENRAGED EMBIID CHARGES HINKIE, WHO USES JOJO’S OWN MOMENTUM AGAINST HIM, DROP TOE HOLDING HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR BELOW, SENDING THE ARENA INTO A FRENZY AND SECURING HIS 2017 ALL-PHILADELPHIA ROYAL RUMBLE VICTORY.

A stunned and battered President hands Hinkie the championship belt, but he motions for Les Bowen to hand him a microphone so he can address the crowd.

He stands over the stunned Embiid, still at ringside, and simply says….

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“Never trust the process.”

MIC DROP.

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