Ryne Sandberg

Vin Scully rips into Phillies with dulcet, soothing tones

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He’s real tired of the Phillies shit.

Philadelphia, PA – Vin Scully, a legend in broadcasting, eloquently ripped the Phillies play into shreds last night, almost as if he was offended the worst team in baseball had dared desecrate the game he has devoted over six decades of his life.

“It’s time for Dodger baseball! Hi, everybody, and a very pleasant good evening to you, wherever you may be. Tonight our beloved Dodgers will take on the Philadelphia Phillies, an affront to everything we love about this grand old game, in first of a four game series,” Scully said to open the game.

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Interim manager Pete Mackanin strengths/weaknesses

Philadelphia Phillies'  Pete Mackanin during photo day, Wednesday, Feb. 24, 2010 in Clearwater, Fla.  (AP Photo/Eric Gay)

Third-base coach Pete Mackanin has found himself thrust into the limelight this week, as he was named interim manager for the Philadelphia Phillies and will likely finish out the rest of the year after Ryne Sandberg stepped down last week.

Casual fans might not know too much about the former third-base coach, so The Coggin Toboggan has gathered several strengths and weaknesses of the newest manager of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Strengths:

– Will be able to let teammates know exactly where they can find third base is in just about every stadium.

– His experience as a former bench coach will give him intimate knowledge of the literal BEST seat in the house for the Phillies dugout. Will be able to now pass down his wisdom to young athletes.

– His horn-rimmed glasses game is strong, second to only Chicago Cubs manager Joe Maddon.

– His slick backed, grey hair will likely drive the ladies of Philadelphia wild, a definite upgrade over Sandberg.

– Has promised to teach Cole Hamels how to pitch overhand on one of his days off.

Weaknesses:

– Has actually never seen an entire game. Left in the seventh inning of every single game he’s ever coached to “beat the traffic.”

– Coached the Montreal Expos from 1997 to 2000.

– Has yet to reveal to organization he has had two glass eyes since 2009.

– Has the full backing and support of Ruben Amaro Jr.

– Was once described as a “belly itcher” by an opposing athlete, has yet to get over it.

Ryne Sandberg finds employment as a Philadelphia waste management employee

The newest member of the Philadelphia waste management division.

The newest member of the Philadelphia waste management division.

Philadelphia, PA – After resigning in stunning fashion last Friday, baseball hall of famer Ryne Sandberg reportedly was hired by the city as a seasonal waste management employee.

He began his route this morning as part of a three man garbage crew with a 35 block radius in South Philadelphia. The ex-manager’s duties include hoisting garbage cans up to his shoulder and disposing of the detritus into the back of the garbage trucks in a timely and efficient manner.

After one day on the job, Sandberg described it as “the most fulfilling and enjoyable job I’ve had in the past two years.”

“It’s amazing how great this job can be. I’ve forgotten how nice it is to wake up in the morning and not dread going to work,” Sandberg said in mid trash can dump, garbage juice trickling down from the can onto his bare neck.

Sandberg said it’s been a “joy” to sift through thrown away baby diapers to reach the recyclables a careless Philadelphia citizen had mixed in with his or her smelly garbage.

“The other day I found a really sweet radio that wasn’t even broken. My boss, Hank (Machinelli) let me keep it. More than Amaro gave me in two years, cheap bastard,” Sandberg said, fecal matter smeared over his face and jumpsuit.

As of press time, Sandberg has reportedly signed a three-year deal with the city of Philadelphia, leading 95% of the remainign Phillies employees to experience pangs of jealousy.

Free-agent Phillippe Aumont vows revenge against Phillies organization

(above) Some loser.

(above) Some loser.

Philadelphia, PA – The last piece to the Cliff Lee trade has been released from the Phillies organization, as relief pitcher Phillippe Aumont did not accept an assignment to the minors and has become a free agent.

Aumont represented the last piece of the Cliff Lee in 2009. The reliever was none to pleased to be released and let Manager Ryne Sandberg know it yesterday when he stormed into the skipper’s office.

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Ken Giles explains reason for blowup: I’m on the Phillies

Ken-GilesPhiladelphia, PA – After a blowup on the mound and in the dugout during Friday nights game with the Pirates, Ken Giles explained his heated argument with several of the Phillies coaches.

“It’s not a big deal. It’s just, I’m on the Phillies, it’s nothing out of the ordinary,” Giles explained to reporters. “I have these freak outs all the time. I just feel badly that this happened on the field. I usually blow up in the clubhouse or in the privacy of my own home.”

Giles went on to explain most of the members of the roster have their own separate freak outs with their frustration with being on one of the worst teams in baseball. It has become so commonplace, he said, management doesn’t even fine or punish players for berating coaches and executives.

When asked for more details, Giles said Chase Utley has broken about 87 bats in the locker room this season alone and wrestled Ryne Sandberg to the ground and rubbed pine tar all over his face when the skipper told Utley he would be sitting a few games.

“Everyone does it. I’m disappointed in myself for doing it in public. I should have waited until the game ended and really laid in that little weasel Larry Bowa. He is the worst. It’s a great way to blow off steam when you realize you’re on this horrid team and Ruben Amaro is going to botch any trade you may be involved in.”

As of press time, Giles had reportedly gotten in Bowa’s face and was spitting sunflower seeds into the bench coaches hair.

Bartolo Colon ejected for suspiciously delicious foreign substance on arm during yesterday’s start

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Bartolo eats because he is unhappy, and unhappy because he eats. It’s a vicious cycle.

New York, NY – Bartolo Colon, starting pitcher for the New York Mets, was ejected from his start after Philadelphia Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg alerted home plate umpire Larry Vanover to a strange substance on the pitchers forearm.

Upon closer inspection, Vanover found the substance was blue cheese dressing. He was able to confirm the substance’s presence even though Colon frantically tried to lick the condiment off of his forearm before the umpire could reach the pitcher’s mound.

Through a brief search, Vanover also found several buffalo wings stowed away under Colon’s cap. As he left the field, several pieces of celery fell from his pockets and a number of wet naps could be seen sticking out of the back pocket of his uniform.

A closeup of the embattled and rotund pitcher showed his face was smeared with hot sauceĀ and several pieces of chicken were stuck in the folds of his neck fat.

“Frankly, there’s no place for it in baseball. We fully expect Bartolo to be suspended and we will be sending him to an emergency Weight Watchers meeting as soon as possible,” New York Mets manager Terry Collins told the media after the game was concluded.

Colon was not available to take media questions after the game, as he said he had some pressing matters to attend to at the clubhouse buffet

Brian Williams: Coaching the Phillies were the best years of my life

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Brian Williams, possible Phillies coach from 2005 to 2013.

Philadelphia, PA – Brian Williams, lead anchor of NBC Nighty news, appeared on CSN’s Philly Sports Night Thursday evening and proclaimed his time as the head coach of the Philadelphia Phillies, in which he led them to their first World Series championship in almost 30 years, were the best years of his life.

“Sure I’ve had a fabulous news career. I’ve reported on some great stories, had some harrowing moments in Iraq, but the best years of my career were from 2005 to 2013 when I moonlighted as head coach for the Philadelphia Phillies.”

Despite confused looks from host Michael Barkann and special guest Frank Seravalli, Williams trudged on and said he harbored no ill-will towards the Phillies organization after he was replaced by Ryne Sandberg midway through the 2013 season.

“It was tough, but those eight years were just a magical time in this city for Phillies baseball,” Williams said. “I will never forget that run in 2008 when I personally helped this team reach, and win, the World Series championship.”

Despite Barkann desperately trying to change the direction of the conversation, Williams continued and dug himself an even bigger hole when he recounted a story from the 2008 NLCS against the Los Angeles Dodgers.

“It was game 4 of the NLCS, we were tied 5-5 in the bottom of the eighth inning after Shane Victorino had just hit a two-run home run. I knew we needed a spark, Jonathan Broxton was throwing some real heat, so I made the call and inserted myself into the game as a pinch hitter,” Williams said. “I clobbered a two-run home run to put us ahead 7-5. I was the first player manager to ever hit a home run in the NLCS. What a magical moment.”

Williams went on and said he pitched a “lights out” 9th inning to secure the save and victory for the Phillies.

Despite video evidence proving Williams did not hit a home run, record a save, or even coach the Phillies during any of the years he claimed, the embattled news reporter claimed the Phillies were in talks to bring him back for the 2015 season to fill a vacant announcer position the organization was trying to fill.

“Before Harry Kalas passed away, he called me and told me that I was a much better announcer than he would ever be and he would be honored if I took over his seat one day,” Williams proclaimed to a horrified Barkann.

As of press time, Charlie Manuel was seen stalking through the CSN offices with a fungo bat, claiming he just wanted to have a “friendly chat” with “that lying son-of-a-gun Williams.”