Philadelphia, PA – Tragedy has struck Wing Bowl 24, as the Wingettes in attendance at the annual Philadelphia eating event have violently revolted against the show and are participating in an all out riot due to the lack of cocaine available, according to a Coggin Toboggan source.
The Wingettes reportedly fashioned crude molotov cocktails out of PJ Whelihan’s wing sauce and have been lobbing them into the crowd and the stage of competitive eaters, badly burning thousands in attendance and likely killing hundreds.
Tensions had been rising all morning, with several fist fights breaking out between Wingettes and eaters, forcing the competition to pause several times. Typically high on cocaine at this point in time, the Wingettes had reportedly been crashing one by one and were furious that more eight-balls were not available.
Angelo Cataldi, host of the Morning Show and creator of Wing Bowl, reportedly used the house microphone to address the rowdy women, and an anonymous Wingette hurled the first of what would become many incendiary devices, covering Cataldi in fire.
“It was horrible, just horrible. It was all just a blur of lower back tattoos, nose rings, and fatherless, white trash young women screaming for more cocaine, not caring who got in their way. I’ve been to Vietnam, and this is so much worse,” the Toboggan source said.
He survived the atrocities by hiding under the corpse of Bill “El Wingador” Simmons, who had been torn limb from limb by several Wingettes who remembered he had been jailed last year for cocaine possession.
“They had no idea if he even had any on him. It was just horrible.”
At press time, Philadelphia SWAT teams had surrounded the Center and were debating their next move.
The Toboggan will provide more information as it’s available.