New England Patriots

Nation spends morning dry heaving into bucket

giphyAbout 99% of the population spent this morning huddled up next to a bucket, eyes closed, hair hanging dangerously close to the fetid liquid in said bucket, dry heaving mercilessly as their bodies had no more matter to expel from their wasted bodies.

Stomachs heaved and heads were put back into said bucket as the nation recalled the 25 point comeback pulled off by the Patriots in arguably the greatest Super Bowl ever played in the history of the NFL, cementing Brady and Belichick as the greatest coach and quarterback duo of all time.

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Talk about a real Deflategate! Tom Brady delayed to Super Bowl LI due to flat tire

tom-brady-ten-years-10-21-15Houston, Texas –┬áSometimes the truth is definitely stranger than fiction!

Tom Brady experienced another “Deflategate” this afternoon as he drove down I-45 to NRG stadium and his Lexus blew a tire, delaying the star quarterback’s arrival to the stadium by several minutes.

Brady’s black Lexus reportedly careened into the guard rail before coming to a rest on the shoulder of the highway.

Guess that tire was a little under-inflated, am I right! Hope Roger Goodell doesn’t find out his tire was under the suggested PSI or his car may get suspended for the rest of the season!

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Howie Roseman clarifies reason for Eric Rowe trade: “I didn’t like his jerk-off face”

102813-howie-roseman-600Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman commented on his controversial decision to trade cornerback Eric Rowe to the New England Patriots prior to the start of the 2016-2017 season this morning during an appearance on the 94 WIP Morning Show with Angelo Cataldi.

Roseman noted he felt as if he should give the fans an explanation of why Rowe, a second year cornerback that has found success with the Super Bowl bound Patriots, was traded for a 2018 4th round draft pick.

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Exciting weekend of football let down by Patriots/Seahawks nightcap

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Yuck.

A nation of football fans were treated to a spectacular weekend of professional and college match ups, as the #2, #3 and #4 nationally ranked college teams lost in nail biting fashion and the NFL hosted several of the finest games its seen all season.

However, the vaunted Patriots vs. Seahawks Sunday nightcap didn’t live up to fan expectations.

In a national survey, fans who stayed up to watch the 31-24 Seahawks victory felt disappointed that they didn’t witness a career ending Tom Brady injury or a stadium collapse that enveloped both teams under tons of rubble, concrete and rebar.

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Amidst heavy criticism, Andy Reid fondly looks back on gigantic childhood

citerdpKansas City, Mo – A pensive, self-reflective Andy Reid sat back Sunday afternoon, a day after the Chiefs season came to a close in a playoff game against the Patriots, and openly wondered if the hard work put into each season was worth the criticism and brow beating a head coach is put through year in and year out.

After being lambasted for the Chiefs final, lackadaisical drive while down two scores, Reid sat back and yearned for the simpler days of his freakishly gigantic childhood.

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Kelly says Eagles saving DeMarco Murray for playoffs, can’t keep straight face

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Foxborough, Mass – Following the improbable 35-28 victory over the mighty New England Patriots, Chip Kelly had to answer questions following the win on why he decided to limit or even outright bench running back DeMarco Murray for nearly the entire second half.

When asked head on why Murray sat in favor of veteran Darren Sproles and relative unknown Kenjon Barner in the biggest game of the year, keen observers noticed a faint smile creep up on the corners of Kelly’s mouth.

“We’re…umm….saving him for the playoffs. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Kelly said.

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Las Vegas odds makers have Patriots as slight 56-point favorite over Eagles

philadelphia_eagles_logo_4008Las Vegas, Nevada – Following a flurry of late money bet on Philadelphia, Las Vegas sport books currently have the injury riddled Patriots as a slight 56-point favorite over the Eagles during this weekends game.

“The Patriots are banged up right now and coming off of their first loss. We certainly took that into account when we set the line for this game. We think it’s a fair line,” said Caesars Bookmaker Todd Fuhrman.

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