New England Patriots

Exciting weekend of football let down by Patriots/Seahawks nightcap

b9316053153z-1_20150129190850_000_g529qj3gd-1-0

Yuck.

A nation of football fans were treated to a spectacular weekend of professional and college match ups, as the #2, #3 and #4 nationally ranked college teams lost in nail biting fashion and the NFL hosted several of the finest games its seen all season.

However, the vaunted Patriots vs. Seahawks Sunday nightcap didn’t live up to fan expectations.

In a national survey, fans who stayed up to watch the 31-24 Seahawks victory felt disappointed that they didn’t witness a career ending Tom Brady injury or a stadium collapse that enveloped both teams under tons of rubble, concrete and rebar.

(more…)

Amidst heavy criticism, Andy Reid fondly looks back on gigantic childhood

citerdpKansas City, Mo – A pensive, self-reflective Andy Reid sat back Sunday afternoon, a day after the Chiefs season came to a close in a playoff game against the Patriots, and openly wondered if the hard work put into each season was worth the criticism and brow beating a head coach is put through year in and year out.

After being lambasted for the Chiefs final, lackadaisical drive while down two scores, Reid sat back and yearned for the simpler days of his freakishly gigantic childhood.

(more…)

Kelly says Eagles saving DeMarco Murray for playoffs, can’t keep straight face

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Foxborough, Mass – Following the improbable 35-28 victory over the mighty New England Patriots, Chip Kelly had to answer questions following the win on why he decided to limit or even outright bench running back DeMarco Murray for nearly the entire second half.

When asked head on why Murray sat in favor of veteran Darren Sproles and relative unknown Kenjon Barner in the biggest game of the year, keen observers noticed a faint smile creep up on the corners of Kelly’s mouth.

“We’re…umm….saving him for the playoffs. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Kelly said.

(more…)

Las Vegas odds makers have Patriots as slight 56-point favorite over Eagles

philadelphia_eagles_logo_4008Las Vegas, Nevada – Following a flurry of late money bet on Philadelphia, Las Vegas sport books currently have the injury riddled Patriots as a slight 56-point favorite over the Eagles during this weekends game.

“The Patriots are banged up right now and coming off of their first loss. We certainly took that into account when we set the line for this game. We think it’s a fair line,” said Caesars Bookmaker Todd Fuhrman.

(more…)

Wes Welker: ‘I should be playing for the St. Louie Hams’

ap292887376178St. Louis, MO – Current free-agent wide receiver Wes Welker, who enjoyed many fine years with the Patriots and Broncos before suffering several severe concussions, worked out for the St. Louis Rams today in hopes of rejuvenating his stalled career.

The 34-year-old wide receiver has worked out for several teams this year and the last, having not played a game in the NFL since 2014.

He continues to express disbelief that he is not employed by an NFL team, who may be wary of signing the once elite receiver due to his history of concussions.

“I strongly believe I should still be in the National Federation Football League. The doctors say my brain function may not do too good, but I can still catch that dogskin with the best of them. Just give me a chance and I can lead this organization in catching feet, I tell you,” He told several assembled reporters at the Rams practice facility.

(more…)

Patriots forced to release Donovan McNabb puking blooper reel

mcnabbPhiladelphia, PA – After ESPN released a massive, hard hitting story on Tuesday afternoon detailing the scope of the New England Patriots alleged efforts to cheat from 2000 to 2007, illegal videos taped by Patriots employees have started to surface as the investigation digs deeper.

Despite multiple fan and player accounts accusing the Patriots of stealing Eagles signals during the 2004 Super Bowl, no such videos or evidence have yet to surface.

However, a Kraft Productions video tape of the Eagles during the Super Bowl did surface yesterday and has brought the city down to its core.

Entitled, “Donovan McNabb Super Bowl Puke-a-Rama,” the two-and-a-half minute, professionally edited video shows new angles confirming the Eagles quarterback puking during the fourth quarter of the Eagles comeback attempt.

(more…)

Bill Belichick fully expects Aaron Hernandez to report for training camp

Fully expected to be available next season.

Fully expected to be available next season.

Boston, MASS – Despite former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez being found guilty of murder in the first degree this morning, head coach Bill Belichick said he expects the tight end to be accounted for this summer when the Patriots begin their 2015 training camp.

“Good, I’m glad that’s over with. Now that this trial nonsense is over with, I fully expect Aaron to be with us at training camp on time. Who wants to tell me different?” Belichick said, glowering as he spoke to Coggin reporters.

“He’s had two years of rest, it’s time for him to get back on the football field and do something that really matters. I’ll be happy when this distraction is over. He’s a young man that has made a mistake or two, but we won’t hold it against him.”

Hernandez, of course, was found guilty this morning by a jury of his peers for the murder of Odin Lloyd after an altercation at a nightclub. He faces an automatic sentence of life imprisonment with no parole.

Belichick said he was happy the ordeal was over with and New England could now refocus its thoughts on something of actual importance with real-world implications.

“We’re beginning our title defense in 2015-2016. We need his ability to stretch the field and give us a valuable two tight end set that no defense will be able to match. Sure he might have some rough edges, but I can’t imagine he won’t be with us next season. This is what really matters,” he said.

When told that Hernandez is also facing an upcoming trial for charges of double murder, Belichick said he would allow for it only if it didn’t interfere with mini camp training sessions.

The ladies have spoken!

Easy there Tom, kids go on this blog!

Easy there Tom, kids go on this blog!

Ladies, we heard you loud and clear at The Coggin Toboggan. Thanks for participating in our first ever Smooch Off poll between Tom Crean, University of Indiana mens head basketball coach, and Bill Belichik, head coach of the New England Patriots.

Bill put up a good fight, but the ladies cast their support behind Tom Crean smooching his son after an Indiana basketball game! And what’s not to like, am I right? That slicked back hair, the tender kiss, what lucky lady would not want to find themselves with Crean and his son!

Better luck next year, Bill. Maybe if you show a bit more passion with your daughter you might win the second annual Smooch Off poll at the CT!

Crean declined to comment on his victory and promptly blocked us on Twitter. Ooooh he’s a firey one!

Who is the better smoocher?

Ladies, we’ve heard you loud and clear at the CT. You want more content catering to female interests! Of course you do, how could you not?

Well we think this poll is right up your alley. Tell us your opinions on who is the better kisser between superhunks Bill Belichick and Tom Crean. Both head coaches are showcasing their smooching skills in these pictures, so who is better??

Who kisses their respective child on the mouth better? Bill Belichick kissing his daughter after Sunday’s Super Bowl victory, or Tom Crean kissing his son after a University of Indiana basketball game?

Let us know!

10177513_10153026860096271_8287233002162532187_ntom-crean

Julian Edelman on possibly playing through a concussion: “Hamburger.”

img25017957

Julian Edelman, experiencing a moment of clarity at Super Bowl XLIX before descending back into a dark haze.

Phoenix, Arizona – One day after Super Bowl XLIX, new controversies have arisen in the NFL following what looked like New England Patriot’s wide receiver Julian Edelman receiving a concussion early in the fourth quarter of the biggest football game of the year.

Edelman was cleared to return to action by an independent neurologist, but critics of the NFL say Edelman had no business being on the field after he appeared woozy and disoriented on the sidelines after suffering a big hit.

Edelman responded to questions on his possible injury Monday afternoon.

“Hamburger,” the glassy eyed Edelman told several AP reporters. “Ripened hamburgers on the vine morning, noon and night. Monkey wrenches tidal plains.”

Edelman then drooled on himself for 45 seconds until a reporter snapped her fingers in his face, bringing him out of his daze. His stunted eyes focused on her for about a minute, before he stuffed a handful of his beard in his mouth.

“It was a big hit, I’ll give you that, but I’ve been in worst kite accidents before, and I’ll be there again, believe me,” Edelman droned on, as the reporters awkwardly glanced at each other. “Just point me in the direction of that pool and I’ll be there to take a dip.”

As the reporters moved away from the cross-eyed wide receiver, reports stated that he followed them around the Phoenix complex for several minutes, despite their quickened pace to separate themselves from the athlete.

“Guys, guys! Wait a second, I’ve got to tell you a big secret,” he said, stopping the reporters. He then proceeded to not speak for 10 minutes, his fractured brain desperately trying to make sense of the situation.

Luckily, the reporters were able to make their escape when a paper cup struck Edelman in the head and rendered him unconscious for 25 minutes.