The Eagles won Super Bowl LII. They won the Super Bowl. FUCKING FINALLY, they won the Super Bowl.
Last night I posted a heartfelt story about the win, about watching the game with my dad, my brother, my wife and wishing my other brother had been with us (instead of watching it in the city) to celebrate in our joy.
But that’s not us, right? That’s not The Coggin Toboggan. We have a “no hugging, no learning” rule like Seinfeld, but I figured we could at least break it for one night after a once in a lifetime moment.
Let’s get back to basics. Let’s get mean again, let’s get childish, let’s get back to our ROOTS as the most hated blog in Philadelphia.
Everyone in the franchise is thanking everyone for the Super Bowl win. God. Their family members. Belichick for inexplicably benching his start cornerback for no reason. It’s exhausting.
Who shouldn’t be thanked? Who deserves to be ridiculed and chastised for doing absolutely nothing for the franchise or the city? Here’s a running list of all those in franchise history who should NOT be thanked following last night’s Super Bowl victory:
- Byron Maxwell – The poster boy of the dream team. What a loser. Stole millions from the franchise, couldn’t cover, and mis-tackled his way out of town. Good riddance.
- Freddie Mitchell – No mediocre wide receiver has stretched more popularity out of one play than Freddie “4th and 26” Mitchell. We don’t need 4th and 26 anymore. We now have the “Philly Special.” Beat it, Freddie.
- Chip Kelly – Go make shitty smoothies and micromanage another roster in hell, you fat bastard.
- Danny Watkins – Thanks for nothing, fire boy.
- Nnamdi Asomugha – Another garbage cornerback. You’re not going to survive in Philadelphia when your skin is so paper thin that you eat lunch alone in your car. What a baby.
- Dhani Jones – The king of the hated air guitar celebration (until Donovan McNabb air-guitared his way out of town in 2010). Seemed to focus more on his horrible bow-ties than covering anyone on the field.
- L.J. Smith – If he had caught that fake field goal attempt for a touchdown against the Bucs in his rookie season he wouldn’t be on the list. But guess what, he dropped it, setting fan expectations for the rest of his mediocre career.
- Jerome McDougle – The Eagles traded UP to select this stiff?
- James Thrash – How was this loser McNabb’s #1 receiver for THREE SEASONS?! He stinks, and I don’t like him.
- Mike McMahon – Fuck Rutgers, fuck Mike McMahon.
- N.D. Kalu – You had one move, N.D., and it was usually you falling down in front of a tackle.
- Hank Baskett – You were a world-record high jumper in college, but you were so pathetic on the field the Eagles never ran a successful fade to you in the endzone. How did corners 6-inches shorter than you consistently out-jump you every single time? I guess you were just preparing for your big moment in the spotlight when you couldn’t field an onside kick and you lost the Super Bowl for the Colts.
- Jeremy Bloom – You gave up on your Olympic dreams to focus squarely on being a failure at football.
- Greg Lewis – After Alshon Jeffery caught a touchdown yesterday, the one highlight of your career went up in smoke.
- Matt McCoy – Another great Andy Reid linebacker draft pick. Played scared 100% of the time. Shares a name with Seinfeld bit-part actor Matt McCoy, aka Lloyd Braun, which is a disgrace to the greatest sitcom ever made.
- Sav Rocca – Australian loser.
- Reno Mahe – When Reno passes away, his obituary will simply say, “Averaged 3-yards a punt return despite wasting a roster spot for what seemed like decades on many forgettable Eagles teams.”
- Riley Cooper – Racist prick fuck. Probably would have won a Super Bowl the first time around with Nick Foles if you had caught that wide open pass in the 4th quarter. YOU SUCK.
- Levon Kirkland – The Land Monster himself. He couldn’t have done us all a favor and eaten himself out of the league BEFORE losing us the NFC Championship in 2002?
- Blaine Bishop – I forgot this man even existed on this planet. God damn you, Pro-Football-Reference, for reminding me of this LOSERS existence.
- Al Harris – “Pass interference, #31, defense.” Easily the highlight of Al’s career for me is the time I saw him at the old Diamond Diner in Cherry Hill wearing a fur coat.
- Jason Babin (from @99mothertrucker on Twitter) – “I loathe Jason Babin. Super selfish, me me guy.”
This is a running list. Who did we miss? Let us know on Twitter and we’ll add them.