Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that discarded banana peels are excellent sources of potassium and I’m an excellent football analyst.
You may ask yourself, HEY, how in the world can a possum be good at analyzing football? Well, it’s a simple answer. I love to skulk around people’s homes here on Maple Avenue and when I’m not snout deep in a discarded baby diaper I’m peeping into windows and watching football! What a game. The brutality, the excitement, the wide open fields a lucky possum could scamper through while eating peanut shells and living his life to the fullest….but I digress.
And boy oh boy, where I live is Eagles country so I’ve seen more Eagles games in my life than I’ve eaten moldy pieces of bread, which let me tell you, is quite a lot. I have the intestinal parasites to prove it.
So I’ll be here, each Friday, giving my professional opinion on the upcoming Eagles game and letting you, the fair reader, know what to expect each week.
Eagles (0-0) at Falcons (0-0)
Point spread: Eagles -3
It’s opening week and the Eagles are coming into the season with a new quarterback, Sam Bradford, after getting rid of my BOY Nick Foles in the offseason. I wasn’t a huge fan of this at first, but after watching the third preseason game while simultaneously defending my garbage can home from a swarm of fire ants, I fell in love. Such poise, such accuracy, my god if he can stay healthy this team could be unstoppable this year.
His poise reminds me of an actual fight I had with a falcon several months ago. Nasty bird, it attempted to infiltrate the hidden stash of filth encrusted orange rinds I keep for special occasions. It was a hell of a scrap and I took a few slashes to my beautiful, hairless tail, but I sent that piece of shit bird back to his momma with a few well placed eye rakes and menacing hisses.
If the Eagles can take one lesson away from my fight with an ACTUAL Falcon, it’s this: A few shots to the chops of this soft team should make them crumble faster than a housewife shooing away a squirrel from a pie cooling on the windowsill.
If the Eagles improved secondary can put a clamp down on the high flying Falcons receiver Julio Jones, I have to admit they stand a good chance of winning and covering the spread. I can’t see the Falcons having much of an impact on the ground against the Eagles vaunted from seven, so much like the Anderson’s trying to bury their dog last year in the dead of winter, I don’t think they’ll get too deep and there will be some crying children in Atlanta Monday night.
Funny story, the dog that died actually ATE 10 of the 15 possums I sired last year, so I’m not too sad to see him leave this earth. They should have buried him any closer to hell if you ask me.
See everyone next week if the garbagemen don’t hit me with a lead pipe!
Prediction: 31-17 and the Eagles get the victory.