Pope agrees to bless Sam Bradford’s knees, perform last rites

esq-pope-style-1213-xlPhiladelphia, PA – After being delivered a petition signed by thousands of Philadelphia sports fans, Pope Francis agreed to bless the knees of oft-injured Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford.

The Pope agreed to bless Bradford’s knees in a display of good humor with the ravenous sports city and its fans, who are understandably nervous going into this year’s season with the shaky Bradford.

The Pope also agreed to perform the last rites on Bradford, claiming it would likely save him time.

“I’ve seen Sam play the past few years and I’ve seen him in training camp. Let’s just say I’m covering all of my bases during my trip to the city,” the Pope said. “Who knows the next time I’ll be back in Philadelphia? Besides, I have a feeling I’ll be seeing Mr. Bradford very, very soon, if you catch my drift.

The Pope claimed he was “just taking every precaution” and hoped the city enjoyed the first four weeks of the season. When asked to go into more details, he just said he was “going on a hunch” and nodded skywards.

“Look, I don’t want to make two trips. I only have so many frequent flyer miles saved up,” he said.

As of press time, Pope Francis said fans should keep an eye on StubHub sometime around mid-October if they wanted to score tickets to “the funeral of the football season.”

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