Harry Kalas

Chase Utley really fucks the Phillies the right way

Los Angeles Dodgers v Houston Astros

The man.

Los Angeles, Calif. – Chase Utley, a man of few words who lets his actions do the talking, really fucked the Phillies the right way last night in front of thousands of Dodgers fans and Phillies fans on television.

Not known for his flashy style, the gritty second baseman lashed a home run to right field in his first game against his old team. While it may have been tempting to flaunt his success and rub his good fortune in the face of the franchise that traded him away, Utley simply kept his head down while he fucked the Phillies long and deep.

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Did Melania Trump plagiarize from other sources as well? Our researchers say yes

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Melania Trump at the Republican National Convention. (Photo Credit: New York Post photograph Chad Rachman)

Last night, millions watching the Republican National Convention saw potential first-lady Melania Trump deliver a powerful speech to the delegates that brought on thunderous applause for her husband, and Republican candidate for the president, Donald Trump.

But the keen eared among the viewers knew they had heard parts of her speech before. Several portions of Melania’s speech were extremely close to an address Michelle Obama gave at the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

Side-by-side comparisons of the transcripts of both speeches show Melania following Obama’s speech nearly word-for-word at portions.

Melania: Because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.

Michelle Obama: Because we want our children — and all children in this nation — to know that the only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.

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Heeding Philadelphia’s call, Pope Francis condemns Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell

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Pope Francis has had it up to HERE with Ruben Amaro Jr.’s nonsense.

Philadelphia, PA – Pope Francis gained a few more followers in the city of brotherly love today, as heĀ endorsed a Vatican referendum condemning Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell.

Pope Francis, who is scheduled to visit Philadelphia in September, said he heard the citizens of Philadelphia loud and clear.

“I have heard the prayers of the thousands of Philadelphians, and I am not deaf,” Francis said during a recent general audience in Rome. “You want him to burn for eternity in hell, than it shall be so.”

Francis waved both hands at the audience as he was greeted with raucous cheers. He most certainly endeared himself to Philadelphians who prayed on bended knee day and night this past off season for Amaro Jr. to finally meet his maker and be cast into the foulest depths of the afterlife.

Francis gave his blessing to those who wished ill will towards Amaro Jr., citing the once mighty Philadelphia Phillies fall from grace as “reason enough” to wish someone’s soul to roast on the coals of hell for all time.

“I too am disappointed Amaro Jr. traded Cliff Lee and got nothing in return in 2010. I understand the Phillies could have had both pitchers all year, ultimately guaranteeing at least another World Series appearance. It’s a tragedy,” Francis said. “He truly wasted what could have been a glorious few years for the Philadelphia Phillies. And for this, yes, he does deserve to rot in hell.”

Francis promised he would make the decision official during his September visit. He urged all Philadelphians to bring various Ruben Amaro Jr. pictures and paraphernalia to the ceremony, promising it would be one to remember.

“To make up for his tomfoolery, I have also decided to nominate Harry Kalas for sainthood. Lord knows he did more for this city than Rube ever did,” Francis declared.