Democratic National Convention

Bernie Sanders: Thank you for keeping Mike Missanelli away from me during the DNC

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Sanders bringing down the house at the DNC.

Philadelphia, PA – An energized Bernie Sanders appeared at the Democratic National Convention this afternoon and congratulated the city on hosting a world class event, while also having the foresight to ban blowhard and Philadelphia embarrassment Mike Missanelli from city limits for the duration.

Sanders noted that if he even caught whiff that Missanelli was trying to re-enter the city during the DNC, he would hunt him down and run him over with his campaign bus.

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Mike Missanelli bound, gagged, dumped at city limits prior to the start of the DNC

20091224_fm400Philadelphia, PA – Fanatic midday host Mike Missanelli was reported as missing this morning by 97.5 FM management, after two well-dressed hired goons threw a sack over his head while he was walking into the radio station and tossed him into the back of a nondescript utility van.

After a nearly 35 minute drive, in which the host was tossed around the back of the van as it took several sharp turns at high speed, he was unceremoniously dumped out of the back of the van by the city workers.

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In wake of DNC announcement, city forces cancellation of 2016 Phillies season

democratic-national-conventionPhiladelphia, PA – On the heels of the announcement that the Democratic National Convention will be held in Philadelphia 2016, city officials announced a massive cleanup of the city would commence, with the goal of eliminating Philadelphia’s worst blights before being thrust into the national spotlight.

As part of improving the city’s image and making it less embarrassing, Mayor Michael Nutter revealed the city has officially cancelled the Philadelphia Phillies 2016 season.

“We want to put our best foot forward when the leaders of the Democratic party come to our fair city next year. While we do understand this might be a disappointment for the dozens of Phillies fans throughout the area, we feel this will be what’s best for business,” Nutter said.

A similar decision was made in 2000 when the Republican National Convention was held in Philadelphia. Admiral Wilson Boulevard, a gateway into the city from New Jersey, went through a beautification process and the varied strip clubs and hourly rate motels were shuttered and closed.

“Just like in 2000 when we didn’t want some of the most powerful politicians in the country driving past lewd and embarrassing businesses when they came into Philadelphia, we don’t want the leaders of America driving past Citizens Bank Park and seeing the dreck and affronts to human decency taking place their throughout the summer,” Nutter said.

Nutter said politicians such as Hillary Clinton and Cory Booker do not need to see that nonsense during their stay in Philadelphia.

“This is supposed to be a nice visit for these politicians, not a brutal test of will the Phillies put us through each and every horrific year,” he said.

In addition to the cancellation of the season, Nutter said Ruben Amaro Jr. will be forced to spend the entirety of the DNC in a bomb shelter below city hall.