Philadelphia, PA – Fanatic midday host Mike Missanelli was reported as missing this morning by 97.5 FM management, after two well-dressed hired goons threw a sack over his head while he was walking into the radio station and tossed him into the back of a nondescript utility van.
After a nearly 35 minute drive, in which the host was tossed around the back of the van as it took several sharp turns at high speed, he was unceremoniously dumped out of the back of the van by the city workers.
“You stay out of the Philadelphia for the next week, you hear me sports boy? Dis here is da Democratic National Convention, lots of fine, civilized folks going to be in the city for this weekend, and we don’t need you yucking it up on air with your general trivia baloney. You’ve made quite a few enemies in city hall,” one of the goons said, delivering a swift kick to Missanelli’s ribs. “You’re an embarrassment to the city and you’ll stay away if you know what’s good for you.”
“Your city rights have been revoked. See you next week, chowder head,” the second employee said, before taking Missanelli’s cell phone and smashing it over a rock.
The disoriented and disheveled Missanelli was able to struggle out of the burlap sack and ripped off the duct tape covering his mouth, only to see the nondescript utility van drive away, kicking up rocks and dirt into his face as it did so.
At press time, a fourth buzzard had begun circling over Missanelli’s head as silently sat on a rock and wondered when he would have to start eating his shoes.