Philadelphia, PA – Yesterday, early visitors to Citizen’s Bank Park were not alone, as Chase Utley’s bat cracked through the stadium as he took part in an extra batting session several hours before the Phillies afternoon game was scheduled to begin.
It’s a testament to Utley’s spirit, who is working hard to ensure he gets healthy just in time to completely tarnish his legacy in the final stretch of the season.
“That’s the plan. Hopefully I’ll make some minor league rehab appearances next week and be back with the club in two weeks. From then on, I plan to languish away on the bench behind the more effective younger second baseman, making fans depressed at how my career is ending,” Utley said. “It should be great.”
Utley said he won’t come out and say he should be starting when he’s healthy, but has crafted several passive aggressive statements he will make to the media. Nothing outright offensive, but just snarky enough to make the fans and organization wish he had just decided to retire, and then feel guilty for harboring such feelings.
The most successful and popular second baseman in Phillies history will flail at pitches he once handled with ease, both routine double plays and have mental lapses on the base paths when he does actually manage to get on base.
“It’s going to be a wild ride. I cannot wait to play so poorly the organization is forced to sit me the entire month of September because I am so inept. Also, I vow to Philadelphia I will try to play several more seasons on another team, just to make sure there are pictures of me in another uniform to haunt Philadelphia for many years to come,” he said.
As of press time, Utley was crafting a several page statement on why the organization should have traded him before the season.