Camden County

I forgot to mention I’m running for Camden County Freeholder, didn’t I?

Well, it’s election day and I forgot to mention that I’m running for Camden Country Freeholder. CRIPES.

I had this idea in August. I really wanted to give back to the lovely county I live in, I wanted to roll up my sleeves and toss out the FAT CATS that have run this county for far too long.

I had posters printed up. Thousands upon THOUSANDS of them. They’re sitting in my backyard shed. I didn’t put a single one up. They’re completely useless and cost me $5,000 to print. God damnit.

I never even bothered to find out what a Freeholder is. It seems like that would have been first on my list, but I’m a jump first, look later kind of candidate. It’s one of my finest qualities.

I meant to look it up, I really did, but just never got around to it. The 76ers are pretty good this year, I got distracted. Can you blame me?

All I know is I would have made a great Freeholder. A kickass Freeholder, even. I can only assume I would have been given a gavel and a robe after my victory. Maybe I’m thinking of a judge?

I guess I’ll never find out.

I had this entire platform planned around everyone in Camden County receiving a free pizza every Friday night. Free Pizza Fridays would have been a reality under my steady hand, for only a nominal county tax increase of $1.50 per every $100 of assessed property value and the discontinuation of the county police force.

Sure, that may seem excessive, but on the other hand… pizza. You can’t argue with the results.