Well, it’s election day and I forgot to mention that I’m running for Camden Country Freeholder. CRIPES.
I had this idea in August. I really wanted to give back to the lovely county I live in, I wanted to roll up my sleeves and toss out the FAT CATS that have run this county for far too long.
I had posters printed up. Thousands upon THOUSANDS of them. They’re sitting in my backyard shed. I didn’t put a single one up. They’re completely useless and cost me $5,000 to print. God damnit.
I never even bothered to find out what a Freeholder is. It seems like that would have been first on my list, but I’m a jump first, look later kind of candidate. It’s one of my finest qualities.
I meant to look it up, I really did, but just never got around to it. The 76ers are pretty good this year, I got distracted. Can you blame me?
All I know is I would have made a great Freeholder. A kickass Freeholder, even. I can only assume I would have been given a gavel and a robe after my victory. Maybe I’m thinking of a judge?
I guess I’ll never find out.
I had this entire platform planned around everyone in Camden County receiving a free pizza every Friday night. Free Pizza Fridays would have been a reality under my steady hand, for only a nominal county tax increase of $1.50 per every $100 of assessed property value and the discontinuation of the county police force.
Sure, that may seem excessive, but on the other hand…..free pizza. You can’t argue with the results.
I even had a slogan. A really good one. But now nobody will hear it because I spent the last four months watching TV and staring out my windows instead of politicking and getting my name out there.
Do you want to hear it anyways?
“Camden County is going downhill, but it’s faster on a Toboggan. Vote for Coggin!”
That’s a winner.
I had so many ideas for the county. You have no idea how many slush funds I had planned for my term. They were going to be the biggest, slushiest funds since the Teapot Dome Scandal.
But now it’s all for naught, because I completely spaced on doing any type of campaigning or publicity for my run at all.
I was going to line my coffers with your hard earned shillings, residents of Camden County, and you would have loved me for it.
No. NO. You know what? IT’S NOT TOO LATE. Last I checked, we live in a Democracy, do we not? GOD DAMNIT, WE DO, EVEN BETTER.
Do you live in South Jersey? Good. Do you live in Camden County? EVEN BETTER. Write in The Coggin Toboggan as your next Camden County Freeholder and lets bring about a new age of prosperity in this county the likes of which you slobs have never seen before.
We’ve got a real grassroots thing going here.
Can you feel it? That’s change…it’s in the air….and we’re going downhill fast on a Toboggan.
VOTE FOR COGGIN.