With the launch of the Philadelphia Athletic today, a new subscription based Philadelphia sports website that puts all of its material behind a paywall, it got us thinking. Are people willing to pay money for top-notch sports content in this city?

We’re banking on it, BECAUSE DADDYS GOT TO EAT. I’ve been living on catfood for the past year.

You people have been freeloading long enough. It’s time to put some money in our g-string and pay the piper. You people have picked my bones clean for LONG ENOUGH. You think it’s easy coming up with this hard-nosed, factual, original content every damned day (every other day….once a week….ok, once every month) for your amusement? It’s hard work people, I LOSE SLEEP OVER THIS NONSENSE.

I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU PENNY PINCHERS. Open up the wallet and lets see what a subscription can get you with the Coggin Toboggan. Prices after the jump.

Rookie package ($1.99 a month): No new content, but an oral agreement between myself and the subscriber to not call in the middle of the night and make lewd remarks to whoever answers the phone. GREAT VALUE!

Veteran package ($6.99 a month): 100% access to all of our PREMIUM-BASED content culled from the finest corners of the dark web. Interested in the fine art of home meth making? We’ve got you covered with our “Hobbyists Club” appearing every Monday.

All-Star package ($15.99 a month): Everything included in the veteran package, but also a homemade “coupon” book delivered to your doorstep once a month. Coupons include a “15 minute sensual back massage (happy ending mandatory)” and the popular “20 minute toe-sucking session” courtesy of the Coggin Toboggan CEO and President.

Championship package ($20.99 a month): Anything and everything, you just name it big boy ::wink::

Ultimate package (one time fee of $500): I’ll take down the website completely for $500 and we’ll never speak of this abortion ever again.

Give me your money. GIMME GIMME GIMME. Unfortunately, we do not accept credit cards at this time. Please put your subscription money into a nondescript paper bag with your name, address, and package you wish to subscribe to and tape it behind the second pylon of the Ben Franklin Bridge. Walk away immediately. When you heard a shotgun blast, that’s the sign that it’s safe to to return and pick up your subscription code.