Before I start mocking the INSANE reactions to the Jon Dorenbos trade that so many decided to share on Twitter, it needs to be said that Dorenbos seemed like an insanely nice guy. His incredibly sad childhood and his determination to better himself through football and magic are inspirational and should PROBABLY be made into a movie one day (the Dorenbos role played by Miles Teller, obviously). Anyone who met him seemed to really enjoy him and had nothing but great things to say about him.

But let’s all calm down for just a second. He’s old, he’s a long snapper, and his younger long snapping replacement played well in his absence last year. When was the last time a GM actually traded a long snapper and got a draft pick for him? The answer? NEVER (I have no idea, but I’m too lazy to actually research this blatant assumption).

If he wasn’t a magician and hadn’t appeared on America’s Got Talent last year (which was awesome) nobody would have cared. Did anyone care when Mike Bartrum retired? YOU DID NOT.

On the bright side, he’s going to play in New Orleans, where the average resident thinks magic is real. BUSINESS WILL BE A BOOMING.

Let’s delve into the Twitter swamp. Did your asinine tweet make the cut? Let’s take a look after the jump.

Please listen to this ELO classic to really get in the mood.

 

So, what did everyone think about the trade on Twitter?

Mike Bartrum is rolling over in his grave, Michelle. How dare you. Pull it together and save the crying gif for the next time you overreact to a minor Eagles transaction.

You’re including trading a long snapper among the MANY poor decisions the Eagles have made in the past 8 years? This is up there for you with the Eagles not re-signing Dawkins in 2012? YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN ::SLAP:: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

That’s because they didn’t have another long snapper on the roster when he went down, Virgil. Can I call you Virgil? It’s not as if they traded him and are planning on not filling his position. Thanks for taking time out of carrying Ted DiBiase’s Million Dollar Belt around to share your opinion on social media.

Wait, you left the country for 12 hours and already came back? What kind of scam are you running here? Forgot about Dorenbos…nobody leaves the country and comes back in 12 hours unless they’re planning an international hit on a political figure or are ferrying loads of drugs to sell on the streets. I’M ON TO YOU, YOU WON’T BE PUSHING YOUR PILLS ON OUR YOUTHS ON MY WATCH.

He’s not dead, Alex. And no, we’re not crying.

I’m not touching this one.

In the words of Bill Munny from Unforgiven, “Deserves got nothing to do with it.” This is the same type of fan that would FREAK OUT and demand Dorenbos be run out of town if he sailed a snap over Donnie Jones’s head in a preseason game.

Classless asshole.

Jon, you will be missed.