Jon Dorenbos

Jon Dorenbos is traded and Eagles Twitter vomits all over itself

jon-dorenbosBefore I start mocking the INSANE reactions to the Jon Dorenbos trade that so many decided to share on Twitter, it needs to be said that Dorenbos seemed like an insanely nice guy. His incredibly sad childhood and his determination to better himself through football and magic are inspirational and should PROBABLY be made into a movie one day (the Dorenbos role played by Miles Teller, obviously). Anyone who met him seemed to really enjoy him and had nothing but great things to say about him.

But let’s all calm down for just a second. He’s old, he’s a long snapper, and his younger long snapping replacement played well in his absence last year. When was the last time a GM actually traded a long snapper and got a draft pick for him? The answer? NEVER (I have no idea, but I’m too lazy to actually research this blatant assumption).

If he wasn’t a magician and hadn’t appeared on America’s Got Talent last year (which was awesome) nobody would have cared. Did anyone care when Mike Bartrum retired? YOU DID NOT.

On the bright side, he’s going to play in New Orleans, where the average resident thinks magic is real. BUSINESS WILL BE A BOOMING.

Let’s delve into the Twitter swamp. Did your asinine tweet make the cut? Let’s take a look after the jump.

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Jon Dorenbos attempts to make Nick Cannon seem talented in most difficult magic trick of all
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Jon Dorenbos on America’s Got Talent pulled off his most unbelievable trick yet.

New York City, NY – Jon Dorenbos’s run in America’s Got Talent came to an end last night, as the long snapper turned magician finished third overall in NBC’s popular reality show.

His final trick, however, was perhaps his greatest and most mind-blowing accomplishment throughout his time on the show.

“Nick, I want you to think of what you’d rather be doing right now in your career. Just think of it, write it down on this piece of paper, and then put it into your pocket,” Dorenbos told the host of America’s Got Talent.

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Jon Dorenbos to showcase mastery of dark arts tonight on America’s Got Talent
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He will punish the wicked and make man pay for his hubris.

LAS VEGAS, Nev. – Tonight on NBC, Eagles long-snapper Jon Dorenbos, a master of the arcane, dark arts, will showcase his ethereal skills on the popular reality show America’s Got Talent, and brutally punish the nonbelievers of his malevolent sorcery.

In a 30-second teaser for tonight’s AGT, currently in its 11th season on NBC, Dorenbos is briefly shown on stage wearing a dark robe, his eyes rolled into the back of his head, body convulsing wildly as the lights of the studio flicker ominously.

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Eagles scouts frustrated at unexplained disappeance of long snapper replacements
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Magic Man or occult specialist…you decide.

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Eagles are currently auditioning several replacements for longtime long snapper Jon Dorenbos after the veteran’s rough game this past Sunday. Chip Kelly criticized Dorenbos for two inaccurate snaps that led to a missed 32-yard field goal and a blocked punt.

However, scouts and front office officials are having a difficult time assessing the replacements, as each one has mysteriously disappeared from the practice field before their tryouts were completed.

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