Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Eagles are currently auditioning several replacements for longtime long snapper Jon Dorenbos after the veteran’s rough game this past Sunday. Chip Kelly criticized Dorenbos for two inaccurate snaps that led to a missed 32-yard field goal and a blocked punt.
However, scouts and front office officials are having a difficult time assessing the replacements, as each one has mysteriously disappeared from the practice field before their tryouts were completed.
“I don’t get it. I was standing there and watching one of the guys taking a few snaps and all of a sudden a great cloud of smoke appeared to almost swallow him whole…and then the next minute he was gone. We heard sinister cackling throughout the facility, but it was all over in the blink of an eye. What the hell?” said Chris Shea, director of scouting.
It was the fourth possible replacement for Dorenbos to mysterious disappear in the span of two hours. Two other candidates reportedly clutched at their heads and were “dragged down” into the earth by an unseen force, their screeched voices crying out for mercy the entire time.
A third was enveloped by a grey mist and reemerged across the field with no hands, tears of blood running down his cheeks as he spoke in the tongue of a long forgotten world.
Since the criticism of Dorenbos was leaked to the media, Occult and/or black magic incidents in the NovaCare Complex have increased by more than 200%. Reports have been coming in of a disembodied voice echoing through the halls of the practice facility.
“It said something like, ‘I have banished those poor souls that may replace me to the Land of Moz, where they will toil and suffer for the rest of eternity.’ No idea what that’s about, but we can’t even get guys in here to tryout anymore. I guess Jon is our man moving forward,” Shea said.
At press time, Dorenbos was entertaining a group of teammates with several new card tricks, but did offer a comment to the assembled media.
“Nobody shall take away what Dorenbos the Great has achieved. All those who wish to try can do so at their own risk and will surely suffer the horrific consequences….and is THIS YOUR CARD?!” He said, pulling the ace of spades out of the front pocket of a delighted Les Bown.